I'm tired. Sleeping on the couch isn't working so great. (warning; whining alert). With a knee injury like mine, it helps to lie flat on your back with the leg 'relaxed' and extended. Sleeping on a couch that is about a foot too short just doesn't let that happen. Just not getting a heck of a lot of sleep.

I was thinking about the support W is getting from her church and specifically the worship team she is part of. In all fairness, I really don't know if they would be as supportive if they knew the whole story.

Last night she came home at 3AM after going to a bar with her single/divorced friends..., after worship team practice. I still can't see how that all goes together, I really can't.

I woke up at 1AM when my youngest daughter was crying. D6 wanted her mom, it was then that I realized W wasn't home. W got home at 3AM, we had a 10 minute discussion about this, and I'm sure it will be relayed as more mental/emotional abuse by me. I kept her up all night...., again. What she leaves out is, she comes in at 3AM reeking of booze, I am foolish enough to think that if I tell her how dangerous this behavior is, she will snap out of it, so yes, she doesn't get to go right to bed, yes, I did keep her up for 10 more minutes, but at 3AM what difference does 10 minutes make? Yet, I am most certain she is not telling her support network why she is really up at 3AM. She will leave that part out, and let them know that she couldn't go to sleep because I "just had to talk". I really wish she would tell them what that "talk" was. Tell them that I let her know next time, (over a dozen next times at this point but who's counting?), call me, please don't drive. Yes, all God's people, the Evil Ogre that is me has kept her up again, once again flexing my well developed mental and emotional abuse muscles..., oh and not to mention my finally tuned control freak and manipulation skillz in order to withold sleep from her in the hopes of?
Avoiding the pain and suffering of a DUI/DWI charge. Not to mention, (but I will since I'm controlling and manipulative), the danger to other drivers and my W in doing this stupid act. I was calm, I was collected. I simply said, "listen, call me, call someone, but don't drive like this, ever".

That was pretty much my entire side of the conversation.

Her response in so many words was, "I'm fine, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not having this conversation. This is just like you to think something bad about this". I'm sorry. I thought something bad might come of DRIVING DRUNK!!! Her defense of this senseless act went on for approximately 15 minutes. During this time, I'm putting my D6 back in her bed, getting my 'bed' ready again and shutting out the lights. W was walking behind me during this time, letting me know just how "fine" she is. Yes, belligerence and the inability to shutup.., that wouldn't have anything to do with the incredibly strong smell of an alcoholic beverage? No, of course not because she is fine and did nothing wrong.

I finally said, "look, I'm just worried something bad could happen." I kissed her on her forehead and laid down. She walked upstairs to bed.

Maybe if they did hear that side of it, they wouldn't be so supportive? I don't know. I'm done with that church. I will find a safe place for me this week. I walk through those doors knowing I'm judged and condemned, I don't want to feel that way any longer.

God help me, days like this I just want to walk away. Do I really want or deserve to be with someone like this?