Jethro, I would agree. I think your comments to your W were very clear and she showed she was listening to you. Those are things to work with. Good luck!
Quote: I hate this crap...I guess I need to stop being a wimp and deal with it...
you are in no shape or form a wimp...a wimp would have given up all together and filed for d..a wimp would not face his feelings or fears or own up to them...a wimp would not put in the major effort needed to make a succesfull marriage...YOU are not a wimp!! (maybe my h is???)
oooeee jethro, I bet my H feels just like you. You could ask her to call you every hour. I wouldn't mind if my H asked me to do that. I would like to be open about my ex-OM. I mean, shining the light on the boogey man makes it hard for him to be sneaky. I would suggest not being condescending. Just state your fear as if it were scientific and ask (don't demand or tell) her to call you every hour. How hard would that be? Even give her change for the payphone. When she calls, thank her for calling and wish her good luck.
Quoting jethro: I do feel a bit better, however, I kind of tried to tell myself that the emptiness will pass...and it pretty much has.
Your getting the hang of it... Most of the time the thing to do is to do ... NOTHING. Just ride it out for a while and most times it will pass. The time to concern yourself with it is when it shapes up into a continuing pattern, then its time to make a change.
Time has been flowing well for you lately and the momentum is still drawing you closer together, so there's no reason to stir the pot sorta speak.
In time, your R will develop to the point where OM will be only a footnote in her book and then it will not be an issue if he shows up in her presence. At that point you will need to let it go entirely, then any coincidental contact will have no effect at all on her.
Thanks much everyone. Been very busy at work, so getting to the boards is difficult these days.
Quoting Sage:Your post reminded me of an article on trust from Yoga Journal.
Thanks very much, Sage. I only got an opportunity to read part of it, but I definitely plan on reading the whole article. Gotta love the Yoga stuff.
Quoting lizbeth:I think your comments to your W were very clear and she showed she was listening to you.
Thanks, lizbeth. Yeah, she does seem to be really listening these days... Today I mentioned that I felt we were doing okay, but the last week or so I've felt like we've drifted a bit. I mentioned that I thought we needed more time together. She agreed. Jeez...when one's WAS agrees to spend more time with you, something's gotta be working.
Quoting LL:you are in no shape or form a wimp
Thanks, LL.
Quoting charcoal:You could ask her to call you every hour. I wouldn't mind if my H asked me to do that. I would like to be open about my ex-OM. I mean, shining the light on the boogey man makes it hard for him to be sneaky. I would suggest not being condescending.
Nice of you to stop by, Charcoal. Well, let me see... My W actually does call me just to check in on me and, obviously enough, to let me know she's not fooling around. She did this last night and I thanked her. In terms of being open about OM. Well, she's done that too. But you know what, sometimes I would rather not hear about OM and not put a face or personality to him. I prefer him to be a spectre...not a real human. To do this, it's better that I get little information about him. I like to think of him as inconsequential... Does that make sense?
Quoting KAW:Most of the time the thing to do is to do ... NOTHING. Just ride it out for a while and most times it will pass.
Yes, I've kind of gathered that. It does freak me out, though. Problem is, when I feel this way, I get upset, kind of go back to the old Jethro. Then...the old habits/patterns start coming up. I'm doing my best to try and avoid that. And, at least now I recognize them! I mentioned it to my W today that last weekend I was in a funk, and, as a result, some of the old habits come up. She said she noticed and it makes her wonder if I really am going to stay with these changes. I said I am. She said that it's only natural she feel that way because who I am is someone new and she's not used to me being that way yet... I guess she's still on guard... Interesting...
In any case, thanks to everyone. I VERY much appreciate the support.
Quoting jethro: Problem is, when I feel this way, I get upset, kind of go back to the old Jethro. Then...the old habits/patterns start coming up. I'm doing my best to try and avoid that. And, at least now I recognize them! I mentioned it to my W today that last weekend I was in a funk, and, as a result, some of the old habits come up. She said she noticed and it makes her wonder if I really am going to stay with these changes. I said I am. She said that it's only natural she feel that way because who I am is someone new and she's not used to me being that way yet... I guess she's still on guard... Interesting... jethro
The feeling as though I've regressed to old patterns when upset is the hardest part for me....I try to cut myself some slack when it happens, though, partly because I AM trying hard and partly because beating myself up for a slipup never helps.
I AM noticing, though, that it takes me longer to get into bad habits than before AND I snap out of them more quickly. Same seems to be true for H.
Finally, all this DB'ing has made me better at the "I'm standing back and watching myself do 'more of the same'...what can I learn from this for next time?"
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I don't know if this is true for you, but for me, recognizing that what I'm doing is a BAD habit...is a big thing. Before this past year, I thought what I was doing was the way I was supposed to do it.
In times of stress, everyone is bound to slip back into a pattern that they are comfortable with. It helps us deal with the stress.
The fact that you recognize what you are doing and also recognize that it's not constructive is wonderful!
I totally hear you on NOT wanting to hear about the OM. I don't want to talk to my H about mine (ex-OM) either. It is my goal, when i'm wishing for OM, to seek H instead. Hopefully, after I do this for awhile, OM will only be a spectre, a distant memory, you know?
