Well, I really have nothing really new to report. I do feel a bit better, however, I kind of tried to tell myself that the emptiness will pass...and it pretty much has.
Last night my W and I were in bed and I said that I didn't really feel connected to her...but lately I had...just not the last couple of days. She said, "I feel pretty good." So, I guess that's a sign that it's me, huh? I think this empty feeling I've had has gotten the best of me and I need to really pull myself out of it. It also didn't help that my W was a bit pissy yesterday...one of those hairy kid days. She was okay with me, just a little frustrated in general...not very positive.
My W is in a singing competition tonight, of which I cannot attend (due to no babysitter). I really want to go--one, because I want to support her; and two, because I'm paranoid OM may show. The latter is unlikely, but possible. She's going with a couple of friends. The bar is located very close to OM too. I've expressed my concern to her and she's being understanding about it. I just feel extreme anxiety over her going (because, as I've said before, OM is part of Karaoke culture my W is involved with).
She gave me her word that nothing would happen, that she doesn't want to put herself in that position again, and asked what could she say to ease my mind. I said that there was really nothing she could say...that she has lied to me so much already, and we have to pretty much start over for me to trust her again. Her response was that she thinks "trust" is just something I need to decide to have...that time won't really make much difference. I said, "There are two kinds of trust. The first is a blanket trust that I have to have in order for our R to move forward. The other is the deeper trust that I'm having a hard time with. The only thing that will change that is for you to consistently show that you care about our R." She responded that what I said made sense and she understands. So, at least I got my point across.
I hate this crap...I guess I need to stop being a wimp and deal with it...
