Vacillations of a WAW Come Home II

[sage]

Jethro -- I personally think that experiencing a gamut of feelings -- including the ABSENCE of them -- is normal and to be expected. There are parts of our emotions that we shut down in order to deal with the A., there are parts of us that we shut down for self-preservation, and there are parts that we shut down (least for me) that just don't seem that **important** in the larger scheme of things anymore (these are mostly the "pick your battles" parts -- bad stuff, that is -- who gives a crap that H. doesn't replace the paper towels when ones mind is busy dealing with H's affair? I don't think I'll ever really care about the paper towels again!).

You mentioned a few posts back feeling scared -- and you were wondering about that given the recent positive steps forward in your sitch. I have experienced a lot of fear in my own sitch in the face of very positive and loving responses from my H. For me, it's a combination of a bunch of things -- feeling as though his responses are not "real" (just MORE of the same lies I suffered through during A), feeling as though now that he was BACK that I would have to address the feeling that I didn't KNOW how to fix MY role in the pre-A and OUR role in the A. and perhaps MOST terrifying, facing the fact that I had hit the top of my comfort level for intimacy....what I mean by this is, that while my M. was very troubled both before, during and after the A., I had a certain comfort zone of my own tolerance for trust and intimacy -- once things started settling out a bit, I realized that I was going to have to get into my "discomfort zone" and take a leap of trust, a leap into scary intimacy, etc.

Sometimes I'm still there. Sometimes, I'm back in my comfort zone by virtue of H. doing something that puts me back on the alert, and sometimes, I put myself back into my comfort zone thru my own anxieties and fears (sounds weird that anxiety and fear could put you into a "comfort" zone --- but, it can for me!)

I read something the other day that suggested that sometimes having things be miserable can be preferable to things being good because at least with the former, you know where things stand, while with the latter, things can "get worse".

There are days when I look at my H. and I am so filled with love it startles me. And there are days when I feel a self-preserving deadness of apathy. Sometimes it's on the same day!

Keep taking good care of yourself. I think that this is just a new phase of DB'ing for you.

Sage