Thanks to everyone for stopping by. I'm in somewhat of a quandry...and maybe you guys have some insight. You see, I've been in a strange place the last couple of days. I think I've had to cut off some of my feelings in order to deal with the A. Now, I'm feeling rather apathetic about everything...don't feel those deep feelings like I was. It's making me uncomfortable and empty. Is this a natural progression to this crap, then those feelings will come back? Honestly, I think I'd rather feel the pain more if that meant I'd be able to "feel" more.
I get this picture in my head of cutting out a piece of my heart...the bad part that had to be changed to change the dynamics of my R...as well as trying to remove the pain of the A. However, I think some of the good ended up getting cut out at the same time.
I don't like this feeling... Any insights would be much appreciated.
I understand your feelings though I arrived at them differently (h left) I eventually stopped looking at h as a man I "wanted" to be with...he was the father of my children...when he first came home there were some nights when I would sit on the couch while he was here and wonder what I was doing?? why was saving this m so important to me..had a thought that perhaps I was feeling then like he had felt before he left (only diff being I didn't have an ongoing ea to leave for).
I don't think it is wrong or bad to be feeling the way you are..it sounds like a bit of detachment and there is nothing wrong with it...infact it may be your key to finding a happy healthy fullfilling r with your w.
I think that what may have happend in our r's is that we stopped looking at our spouses as people and held them in a seperate class than all others..they were our love, our life our someone special...fact is they are just people no different than any others...they have faults they have strengths and it is only when we take off those rose colored glasses that we used to view them from and see them for the regular people they are that we can begin to accept them and learn to appreciate them for them and not hoping they live up to the them that we hold in our hearts.
it's time for both of us to let go of the past and start to view our spouses for the adults they've become and not the kids we met years ago.
LL trying to learn as she goes and wishes she were as confident as she posts on others threads!!
makea good day for you jethro, you truly are a great man!!
Hi - hope you don't mind me ducking in here. I'm coming over from the MLC thread as my H and I appear to be working on things.
But I was feeling exactly these types of emotions and wondering if anyone else was too. We've worked so hard to get our spouses back and now they are, for the most part, and we wonder why we were fighting so hard, in a way.
I just don't feel the intensity of emotion right now and I've got people pushing on me in all kinds of directions. Everyone wanting me to feel what they feel I should feel and telling me that I don't understand my feelings. It's very difficult.
It is not helped by the fact that I am at home living with family right now and my H is very far away, so our communications are complicated by that.
Sorry for the thread hijack, but it's nice to know that others share my feelings. Best of luck to everyone.
Jethro -- I personally think that experiencing a gamut of feelings -- including the ABSENCE of them -- is normal and to be expected. There are parts of our emotions that we shut down in order to deal with the A., there are parts of us that we shut down for self-preservation, and there are parts that we shut down (least for me) that just don't seem that **important** in the larger scheme of things anymore (these are mostly the "pick your battles" parts -- bad stuff, that is -- who gives a crap that H. doesn't replace the paper towels when ones mind is busy dealing with H's affair? I don't think I'll ever really care about the paper towels again!).
You mentioned a few posts back feeling scared -- and you were wondering about that given the recent positive steps forward in your sitch. I have experienced a lot of fear in my own sitch in the face of very positive and loving responses from my H. For me, it's a combination of a bunch of things -- feeling as though his responses are not "real" (just MORE of the same lies I suffered through during A), feeling as though now that he was BACK that I would have to address the feeling that I didn't KNOW how to fix MY role in the pre-A and OUR role in the A. and perhaps MOST terrifying, facing the fact that I had hit the top of my comfort level for intimacy....what I mean by this is, that while my M. was very troubled both before, during and after the A., I had a certain comfort zone of my own tolerance for trust and intimacy -- once things started settling out a bit, I realized that I was going to have to get into my "discomfort zone" and take a leap of trust, a leap into scary intimacy, etc.
Sometimes I'm still there. Sometimes, I'm back in my comfort zone by virtue of H. doing something that puts me back on the alert, and sometimes, I put myself back into my comfort zone thru my own anxieties and fears (sounds weird that anxiety and fear could put you into a "comfort" zone --- but, it can for me!)
I read something the other day that suggested that sometimes having things be miserable can be preferable to things being good because at least with the former, you know where things stand, while with the latter, things can "get worse".
There are days when I look at my H. and I am so filled with love it startles me. And there are days when I feel a self-preserving deadness of apathy. Sometimes it's on the same day!
Keep taking good care of yourself. I think that this is just a new phase of DB'ing for you.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks so much for your insights LL, lizbeth, and Sage. This lack of feeling is a burden I don't particular want to have...
Quoting LL:I was feeling then like he had felt before he left.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Quoting LL:I don't think it is wrong or bad to be feeling the way you are..it sounds like a bit of detachment and there is nothing wrong with it...infact it may be your key to finding a happy healthy fullfilling r with your w.
At first I thought it was detachment, but I don't know. I kind of feel this way with my kids too. I hate that!
Quoting LL:is only when we take off those rose colored glasses that we used to view them from and see them for the regular people they are that we can begin to accept them and learn to appreciate them for them and not hoping they live up to the them that we hold in our hearts.
Maybe this is it. I have always kind of put my W on that pedestal because of how I've felt about her over the years. I feel like such a fool now. A fool that has had a brutal dose of reality.
Thanks much LL...
Quoting lizbeth:We've worked so hard to get our spouses back and now they are, for the most part, and we wonder why we were fighting so hard, in a way.
I just don't feel the intensity of emotion right now.
Yup, lizbeth, have to agree. I've worked hard and I'm tired. I feel like riding it out a bit and letting my W really work. Well, in a way, she is...I see it every day, so I can't complain. But sometimes I feel so toasted...mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Quoting Sage:There are parts of our emotions that we shut down in order to deal with the A., there are parts of us that we shut down for self-preservation, and there are parts that we shut down (least for me) that just don't seem that **important** in the larger scheme of things anymore
Yes, I completely agree with you. I really don't care about the small, petty stuff anymore. It's so meaningless. In terms of the gamut of feelings...yes, sometimes I'm attracted to my W and othertimes I'm repelled.
I've been a real treat to be around all weekend. My W kind of asks me what's wrong, but I tell her she doesn't want to know, so she shouldn't ask. She makes comments to me like, "Why the about-face? I thought things were going well." My response, "I don't think you realize the irrepairable damage you have done to our R. I'm trying to work through it. I've been feeling pretty good lately, but I can't every day. I'm human. So please don't say those things to me anymore."
Well, it got her attention and I don't think she'll be making those comments any longer. I was nice, but firm. And yes, I used the term, "irrepairable" because with some things it is. The trust will NEVER be totally repaired and my innocence/ignorance will NEVER be what it was. Our R will forevermore be slightly tainted and my thoughts about the human spirit slightly jaded.
Also, I haven't gotten an ILY since the big one last week, but that's okay. Hopefully, one will come along soon enough.
Quote: And yes, I used the term, "irrepairable" because with some things it is. The trust will NEVER be totally repaired and my innocence/ignorance will NEVER be what it was. Our R will forevermore be slightly tainted and my thoughts about the human spirit slightly jaded.
B-Jethro, the trust has to be repaired for you to get past this. That is what makes this so hard. And you have heard the phrase, "Never say never".
I dont think it will go away completely. But w/time the pain will dim, you wont think about it everyday, and you will trust her.
You have to trust her or it will not work. You wont be happy and then she in turn will become unhappy. Trust is that leap of faith that you just have to do - of course when you are ready.
I am sorry you are in such a bad place right now (((Jethro))). But I think you have on your jaded glasses right now. Give yourself time to heal and quit picking at the wound. Abby
For me, last weekend was a bit rough, but with each successive day I'm feeling a bit better...not as moody.
Hi again,
I wanted to respond to this on your thread. And I caught up on your thread as well.
Wow. I can really relate to what you've been feeling lately. I get those feelings in waves too.
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one!
I'm also glad to see that you are begining to feel better. Can you pinpoint what you did that contributed to the rise in your PMA?
For me, I looked in the mirror, saw my reflection looked pretty and realized that my outside didn't match up with my inside. And I liked feeling pretty better than I did feeling sad. Things started up from there. But they didn't get totally turned around until I had posted my post, had a positive response from KAW, and did an activity that I'd been looking forward to for a week.
I have to remind myself to focus on the solution, not the problem.
Well, I really have nothing really new to report. I do feel a bit better, however, I kind of tried to tell myself that the emptiness will pass...and it pretty much has.
Last night my W and I were in bed and I said that I didn't really feel connected to her...but lately I had...just not the last couple of days. She said, "I feel pretty good." So, I guess that's a sign that it's me, huh? I think this empty feeling I've had has gotten the best of me and I need to really pull myself out of it. It also didn't help that my W was a bit pissy yesterday...one of those hairy kid days. She was okay with me, just a little frustrated in general...not very positive.
My W is in a singing competition tonight, of which I cannot attend (due to no babysitter). I really want to go--one, because I want to support her; and two, because I'm paranoid OM may show. The latter is unlikely, but possible. She's going with a couple of friends. The bar is located very close to OM too. I've expressed my concern to her and she's being understanding about it. I just feel extreme anxiety over her going (because, as I've said before, OM is part of Karaoke culture my W is involved with).
She gave me her word that nothing would happen, that she doesn't want to put herself in that position again, and asked what could she say to ease my mind. I said that there was really nothing she could say...that she has lied to me so much already, and we have to pretty much start over for me to trust her again. Her response was that she thinks "trust" is just something I need to decide to have...that time won't really make much difference. I said, "There are two kinds of trust. The first is a blanket trust that I have to have in order for our R to move forward. The other is the deeper trust that I'm having a hard time with. The only thing that will change that is for you to consistently show that you care about our R." She responded that what I said made sense and she understands. So, at least I got my point across.
I hate this crap...I guess I need to stop being a wimp and deal with it...
