Why do these things happen IV

[789]

Well I broke all the DB principle in one night. I went over to my wifes place and we talked for about 45-60 minutes.
I pretty much laid it all out for her, my feelings about how son is taking what is going on, was my biggest, she confirmed that she see's this also, but is also at a lose for what to do but keep up good spirits around him.

I also put out the pain I am feeling, starting from the abuse as a teenager, my first divorce, not being available to either of my sons as any good dad should be, the alcohol I used to hide any and all feelings from myself and others, and not being the husband that I should and could have been.

I basically said that thru-out my life I have never really had a family, my parents are still together 41 years later, but in all reality we were not a family. My first marriage should have never happened and I realize that, we also never really had a family. With my current wife I wish I helped make us a family and realize that I have not and I apologized for that also. It has not been since I stopped drinking and also being seperated that I ever really thought about it, family is important, family is what I want in my life. She actually confirmed that she also believed that I have never had a real family, she knows how my parents are and she knows my xwife.

I would say she was only semi-responsive to all I had to say, I told her that I did not come over looking for answers, that I was not trying to push her away or back, but that I am holding so much inside myself that I had to let it out, for that she actually seemed to care and understand

I screwed up and told her not to lead me on, but at the same time don't drag it out when she knows that it is over for good in her mind.She let me know that she does not know what she wants, she knows that at the moment it is not me and not sure if it ever will be. She also let me know that she was not moving towards divorce but at the same time does not want to give me hope. She also let me know that she is also lonely during this time. She did give me a hug as I was leaving.

I know, I totally blew it tonight by going over, but for my own sanity, I had to do this. I kept my anger towards her under control, did not weep or cry. I did show emotions though. I just told her all this and probably parts I am leaving out. No matter what happens, I released alot of stress today. I think I can now stop worrying about it, I always thought in the past I was leaving out things to tell her, I know it was less that an hour but I can talk alot and fast, but I got it all out. Now with knowing, right or wrong, I have said it all, I know I can do no more for now and probably not for a long time, but I have done and said it. I will continue to get better at detaching, I will get better at not showing bad/sad feelings around her. Next relationship talking comes from her, I am zipping my lips around her and losing the key in her back pocket.

Tired of reading yet, well I am tired of typing.