Well I broke all the DB principle in one night. I went over to my wifes place and we talked for about 45-60 minutes. I pretty much laid it all out for her, my feelings about how son is taking what is going on, was my biggest, she confirmed that she see's this also, but is also at a lose for what to do but keep up good spirits around him.
I also put out the pain I am feeling, starting from the abuse as a teenager, my first divorce, not being available to either of my sons as any good dad should be, the alcohol I used to hide any and all feelings from myself and others, and not being the husband that I should and could have been.
I basically said that thru-out my life I have never really had a family, my parents are still together 41 years later, but in all reality we were not a family. My first marriage should have never happened and I realize that, we also never really had a family. With my current wife I wish I helped make us a family and realize that I have not and I apologized for that also. It has not been since I stopped drinking and also being seperated that I ever really thought about it, family is important, family is what I want in my life. She actually confirmed that she also believed that I have never had a real family, she knows how my parents are and she knows my xwife.
I would say she was only semi-responsive to all I had to say, I told her that I did not come over looking for answers, that I was not trying to push her away or back, but that I am holding so much inside myself that I had to let it out, for that she actually seemed to care and understand
I screwed up and told her not to lead me on, but at the same time don't drag it out when she knows that it is over for good in her mind.She let me know that she does not know what she wants, she knows that at the moment it is not me and not sure if it ever will be. She also let me know that she was not moving towards divorce but at the same time does not want to give me hope. She also let me know that she is also lonely during this time. She did give me a hug as I was leaving.
I know, I totally blew it tonight by going over, but for my own sanity, I had to do this. I kept my anger towards her under control, did not weep or cry. I did show emotions though. I just told her all this and probably parts I am leaving out. No matter what happens, I released alot of stress today. I think I can now stop worrying about it, I always thought in the past I was leaving out things to tell her, I know it was less that an hour but I can talk alot and fast, but I got it all out. Now with knowing, right or wrong, I have said it all, I know I can do no more for now and probably not for a long time, but I have done and said it. I will continue to get better at detaching, I will get better at not showing bad/sad feelings around her. Next relationship talking comes from her, I am zipping my lips around her and losing the key in her back pocket.
Tired of reading yet, well I am tired of typing.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Well after a nice sleep, I feel great. I am so not worried about what I did last nite. I feel ready to move on without her and really do not care which way she moves. I am starting today as me, a father of my kids, and a whole world out here to explore.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I think the WAW's need to do some of the work too, at some point. Sometime in all this, they have to let us know what's going on in their head! It's completely unfair (and I know life isn't fair) for them to say they don't know what they want. YES THEY DO! They want a happy family life, they want a loving husband, they want to feel loved, they want to enjoy life, they are just like the rest of us! We all want to be happy. They either take one more chance on their family now or blow it up and go try somewhere else! Why do they think someone else would be able to make them happy?
We as the LBS's have to discover their love languages, treat them how they deserve to be treated, give up all selfishness (no, not to be a doormat, that's not giving up selfishness) and forgive each other and BE HAPPY! It's really not that hard.
789, I think your W is closer than you think, how long have you been separated? About the same as me I think. Maybe you need to do what Jazz did and pull away a little. Make her miss you. With you there (or on the phone, or whatever) all the time, she doesn't ever miss you and miss what good you had in your relationship.
Have a GREAT day!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
It was not a mistake by what you did, sounds like today you are doing good. Keep it up.
I also do not believe it was a mistake, I do feel better today still. I actually feel proud of myself for finaly saying all the things that I have started to say before but always broke down crying or just giving up and letting it drop.
I also don't want any of you to think I have given up on my M, I have not, I just had to speak out to her wether it was good or bad to keep my sanity. I new going over last nite I could lose her forever, and I was and am still ready for that.
More to come in a second.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I think the WAW's need to do some of the work too, at some point. Sometime in all this, they have to let us know what's going on in their head!
I agree, both spouse have to do some work. As for now, I do not think she is ready to let me know what is going on her head, but that is okay now. She told me that she knows I love her, she has never had a doubt in that.
Originally Posted By: JR2007
It's completely unfair (and I know life isn't fair) for them to say they don't know what they want. YES THEY DO! They want a happy family life, they want a loving husband, they want to feel loved, they want to enjoy life, they are just like the rest of us! We all want to be happy. They either take one more chance on their family now or blow it up and go try somewhere else! Why do they think someone else would be able to make them happy?
I think she does want this happy family, but something is holding her back, time will only tell. I honestly think she is going to go out and try and see if she can find that happiness with someone else. I am actually okay with that also, when she finds out that even if she is having fun, or heck even having some sex, and finds out life as a whole is not better, I think that will be an eye opener for her, "I actually do not really want the sex part to happen.".
Originally Posted By: JR2007
We as the LBS's have to discover their love languages, treat them how they deserve to be treated, give up all selfishness (no, not to be a doormat, that's not giving up selfishness) and forgive each other and BE HAPPY! It's really not that hard.
I shall do my best on my end.
Originally Posted By: JR2007
789, I think your W is closer than you think, how long have you been separated? About the same as me I think. Maybe you need to do what Jazz did and pull away a little. Make her miss you. With you there (or on the phone, or whatever) all the time, she doesn't ever miss you and miss what good you had in your relationship.
That is to be seen, for actual seperation, first week in March, so 3+ months, but have not gone more than 1 full day without seeing each other. I agree with your last sentence, neither of us have had a chance to really miss each other and I think that is what she really needs.
More to come.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
She also let me know that she was not moving towards divorce but at the same time does not want to give me hope. She also let me know that she is also lonely during this time. She did give me a hug as I was leaving.
If she was really done, none of this would be the case. You've told her how you feel, now go dark and give her some space. It's going to take some time - took me over 7 months - but she'll eventually soften and remember the good stuff.
I agree, I think in her own way she was telling me to disappear, let her have the space. I plan on going as dark as possible with a son involved. I think at this time I need the darkness as much as she does, if not more.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
