I'm afraid my PMA is non existent, I feel as heartbroken as the day he left. I think it is over for good this time because I was the only one who fought for it before and I have no fight left and he certainly isn't prepared to fight for us.
Yet again yesterday he doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks I have been "punishing" him all week and doesn't think it is right. Then when I ask him how he feels about me and what he wants to happen to us he says he doesn't know because his head is all mashed in from this week. I said are you saying you don't know if you love me and he again said I don't know my head is mashed. I said that if you love someone then that love should be able to last more than a week of grief over something. At one point he even had the audacity to say at least I didn't get constant grief from her!!! I said how dare you compare me to her in any way, and I thought you weren't having a R with her. He said he hadn't had a R with her so I said well obviously she didn't give you grief then, you don't give people grief when you're trying to get into bed with them - the grief comes a lot later. At one point he was going to walk out the house but he calmed down.
After about an hour and a half I decided I was just doing what I always used to do and decided to stop it. I got into bed and asked if he wanted us to make up or it carry on. He put an arm round me but said nothing. This morning he said nothing then went to work. He popped back in for something and said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I said I just want to know if he loves me. He said he had told me that and that I said it wasn't good enough!?!?! WTH??? He didn't say that at all.
I am so fed up of being in pain. Right now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my entire life marrying him. He is just so inadequate when it really counts. He's fine doing the love stuff when everything is going well but when its not that's it, he doesn't want to know and I am left feeling unloved. I feel exactly the same as I did 8 months before the bomb when I just felt he didn't love me anymore because he never cared when I was upset. I feel like I've married a child, not a grown man. Yes I know the whole Mars, Venus stuff but really he is soooo imature when it comes to dealing with love and relationships. He has never had a R until me. Boy am I paying for being the first one. He doesn't understand why I feel like I feel about the letter. I said he won't do because he's never been jealous of anything. He says he'd just believe me if the tables were turned. He resents me for making him feel like its his fault the letter came because he talked to her!!! Errr, yeah it is your fault the letter came.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I love him still and can't really imagine being without him but I just feel deep down that he is never going to be able to give me the feeling of security and love I need him to, and I will resent him and ruin our lives for both of us just like before.
