I understand, IP, that it's so hard to feel good about him when you don't know if he is lying or not, but maybe since he has insisted he is telling the truth, you should just make up your mind to believe him. My H will also just plod along as though things are perfectly normal, though he will occasionally make some reference to our situation, and I will look at him, wondering just what the heck is going through that head of his.
Hey, Alimari, if I didn't know better, I would think your ex-friend was my sister, the crazy one who likes to go after other women's men. The one who once told my sister she could have her boyfriend, and anyone of her sister's boyfriends. She even tried to get my H to say she was prettier than me. She is the type to call and tell lies like your ex friend. She will play people off against each other, and call one to lie about something one said, and then call the other one to tell what they said. She thrives on conflict, and even recently called my H and ordered him to do something for her. And she said all the H's have hit on her. I wonder if we all know someone like this??
So, IP, she could be saying these things because she knows you will see them, and knowing how some women (even some policewomen) who work with my H are, I don't doubt for a minute she could make stuff up to get at you, and cause conflict in your M. Some women can't truly be friends with a man without seeing something more in it, imagining that he wants more, and trying to make it happen however they can.
You are a strong lady, stronger than a nut like her, so chin up, girl.
Some women can't truly be friends with a man without seeing something more in it, imagining that he wants more, and trying to make it happen however they can.
Sad but true.... how pathetic. IP you are way better than some crazy *B*. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing~ God bless....
I understand, IP, that it's so hard to feel good about him when you don't know if he is lying or not, but maybe since he has insisted he is telling the truth, you should just make up your mind to believe him
Yes perhaps you're right, I have started to think this myself but my heart doesn't seem to want to follow at the moment if you know what I mean. Its like this letter has made me think "actually you've really hurt me by doing this, this, this and so on thinking of all the things he did last year" I know its not fair on him to think like that and I shouldn't be but it is as though this letter has brought all the other pains I was burying away to the surface. Yuk.
I have also been thinking as you say that the crazy W could have just done it deliberately to hurt me because she is jealous me and H got back together or something. If that is the case I think it is such an evil thing to do. To knowingly write such things and deliver it knowing she could possibly cause our M to break up again.
It has been a really hard day again today. I am so tired as S keeps waking in the night a couple of times every night and I'm not sleeping right because of all this. H didn't want to talk about any of it and even snapped at me when I went to pick him up from work for no reason. I started to bite back but then (and this showed me how much I've changed) I took a deep breath and said "look, actually, I hadn't done anything wrong when you snapped at me first and then I've snapped back so actually I'm not continuing this until you decide to change your attitude." Nothing more was said and then just before he goes to bed he came up to me and said he was sorry for snapping and it was unprovoked and he shouldn't have done it!!!!!!"
He's gone to bed now with me still trying to make some sense of all this and wondering what I even think anymore.
Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Yes it is sad that some women can't just be friends with a man. Actually though that is the one thing that makes me think he is probably telling the truth. He had a couple of female friends when we met and has always said he doesn't see the difference between having male friends and female friends and has maintained that philosophy throughout the whole time he was texting her. So maybe my H is just niaive about how some women work and can attach themselves to guys who are just being friendly because like my H they don't see it as any different to a male friend. I said over and over when we were separated that just because he says he has no feelings for her doesn;t mean she has none for him. Maybe I was right all along. Does it make sense that I feel that even if he is telling the truth I still feel betrayed by the fact that he got so friendly with a W that she fell in love with him and I also feel betrayed that he didn't tell her to never contact him again after he got the letter?? I hate all my thoughts right now they all seem so negative.
I see a pattern here, so many men who want to look good to the ow 'til the bitter end (the ow my H was seeing thinks his divorce was final, her never rectify her)
It's a pride thing I guess, which they dont' understand hurts us a lot. Hugs hon, hope you are taking care of yourself and filling up with PMA)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm afraid my PMA is non existent, I feel as heartbroken as the day he left. I think it is over for good this time because I was the only one who fought for it before and I have no fight left and he certainly isn't prepared to fight for us.
Yet again yesterday he doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks I have been "punishing" him all week and doesn't think it is right. Then when I ask him how he feels about me and what he wants to happen to us he says he doesn't know because his head is all mashed in from this week. I said are you saying you don't know if you love me and he again said I don't know my head is mashed. I said that if you love someone then that love should be able to last more than a week of grief over something. At one point he even had the audacity to say at least I didn't get constant grief from her!!! I said how dare you compare me to her in any way, and I thought you weren't having a R with her. He said he hadn't had a R with her so I said well obviously she didn't give you grief then, you don't give people grief when you're trying to get into bed with them - the grief comes a lot later. At one point he was going to walk out the house but he calmed down.
After about an hour and a half I decided I was just doing what I always used to do and decided to stop it. I got into bed and asked if he wanted us to make up or it carry on. He put an arm round me but said nothing. This morning he said nothing then went to work. He popped back in for something and said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I said I just want to know if he loves me. He said he had told me that and that I said it wasn't good enough!?!?! WTH??? He didn't say that at all.
I am so fed up of being in pain. Right now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my entire life marrying him. He is just so inadequate when it really counts. He's fine doing the love stuff when everything is going well but when its not that's it, he doesn't want to know and I am left feeling unloved. I feel exactly the same as I did 8 months before the bomb when I just felt he didn't love me anymore because he never cared when I was upset. I feel like I've married a child, not a grown man. Yes I know the whole Mars, Venus stuff but really he is soooo imature when it comes to dealing with love and relationships. He has never had a R until me. Boy am I paying for being the first one. He doesn't understand why I feel like I feel about the letter. I said he won't do because he's never been jealous of anything. He says he'd just believe me if the tables were turned. He resents me for making him feel like its his fault the letter came because he talked to her!!! Errr, yeah it is your fault the letter came.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I love him still and can't really imagine being without him but I just feel deep down that he is never going to be able to give me the feeling of security and love I need him to, and I will resent him and ruin our lives for both of us just like before.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I love him still and can't really imagine being without him but I just feel deep down that he is never going to be able to give me the feeling of security and love I need him to, and I will resent him...
Wow I could have typed this exact comment just minutes ago too. I am so, so ,VERY sorry for your pain honey... I really and truly am. Sorry do not have much advice just wanted you to know I care. God bless...
He popped back in for something and said he didn't know what I wanted him to say.
This sounds like my H - he managed to change, but it took me pointing out calmly that he was wrong then REALLY backing off to let him see where he was wrong. My attitude to my H was "well, I'm not going to tell you what to say, it's up to you to decide. Sorry but you'll have to be an adult about this". And then I left him to it.
Quote:
He says he'd just believe me if the tables were turned.
Oh, isn't your H Mr F'ing Perfect .... what a twonk.
IP - I think you're doing great in standing up for yourself here, it's very convenient for your H to blame YOU for his problems as the payoff he gets is that he doesn't have to do any kind of thinking about himself. He's essentially a bit lazy. I think this guy needs to do quite a bit of soul searching and could maybe do with some individual C sessions. If he thinks all his problems will go away if he takes up with an OW then he really is kidding himself.
Sorry IP - it sounds so much like you've saved yourself but your M.... well, it's up to your H to step up to the mark. This is a tough one as it's hands off, set your boundaries, refuse to be blamed, a bit of tough love. As a woman it's easy to step in and say "there, there, don't worry, I'll make it better, it doesnt really matter" and I think as women we are conditioned to do this. The trouble with this is that when we do this it gives the other person NO impetus to change.
My H and I used to go round in this vicious cycle. I'd be upset about something (say him being home late) and would approach him bout it, he'd get upset that he'd upset me, then I'd have to comfort him and apologise for complaining and then say what I was complaining about didn't really matter anyway!!! How NUTS is that!!!???!!!! I broke this a while back, when it got to the point when he was all "Oh I'm upset cos I've upset you" I'd say "well, yes you have upset me, what are you going to do about it" ie just stood my ground. i didn't get angry or tearful, I didn't bully or blame, just stated how I felt and left the ball in his court. I don't think my H was even AWARE he was pushing the problem back on me. He's a natural conflict avoider BUT he is learing and he realises now that his avoidance of conflict has actually CREATED more problems than it could ever solve.
So - for you and your H, I think the lines you are already working on, as is "yes you are a tw4t. What are you going to do about it cos I'm just divine, my dear" might just do him some good. Either that or I'll come round and knock seven tonnes of sheet out of him, I don't care how far away you live, your H makes me feel angry!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Yeah he makes me angry too. I texted him at 8am this morning telling him I just want to know how HE feels about me and what he wants to happen. I have heard nothing back except when he rang to ask if I wanted any money taking out while he was at the bank!! He then said I've got your text but I'm too busy to answer it. I'm sorry but I don't see how he can still be that busy 4 hours later that he can't just put yes I love you or no I don't. This silence is exactly what he did on bomb day and I'm scared. Really scared and in such a state I can't even sit still I'm in such a panic. I cannot go through all that again. I just don't know why he is being such a @>:@ when it is his friendship with another W that has caused this not something I've done.
