D -- I'm glad you popped in; I've been thinking of you and hoping things have been ok - or at least better than your last post here.
I'm doing ok. This past week has been not as strong as the ones before, but I am getting through it. I had a really good yesterday: I wrote a few pages starting my novel and they read well. I'm also getting some good support from friends. H hasn't been a problem or hasn't changed towards me; I'm just down with thoughts.
I hope you have good luck with your interviews. I hate job searching!
It's been a melancholy couple days. I am thinking about what I want and don't want in a relationship, and I'm coming to terms with the idea that there are things that happened - dynamics in dealing with stress, anxiety, etc. - between H&me that I do not want any more. I recognize much of it was my own responses to H's innate avoidance of confrontation, but I also know that if H cannot change his method of avoiding confrontation, I cannot go back to that.
I think I am finally beginning to look at self-need, beginning to break what was often a co-dependent life. Just as H has emotionally divorced himself from our marriage, I'm feeling the same. When I say that, it's not that I don't want us to come together again, it's just the absolute realization that I cannot be in the marriage relationship we had; we will have to begin again if we are going to be together.
Scary? You bet. I feel willing to say that I will be the one to file if nothing changes and I know we have to move on. I can't believe I write that, but I think it's healthy, really. I am now able to work on how I responded to different actions, work on changing my responses and anxieties and thus hopefully be able to move along - with or without H.
All that said, last night H&I talked briefly, and what he said he's working on with his C made me hopeful that he'll be able to change his own responses to life. My friend says I make too many excuses for H; she's probably right, but I still love this man and I don't want him miserable ... said even though he has made me miserable now.
D- I hope your tests and job search are going better than your last post. Tell me what else is up.
Sunday is dawning grey, so I'm going to keep busy and try not to brood.
Wow.. how are you feeling this week? I understand what you're saying. I hope I eventually get there, if that makes sense? It sounds healthy. I think that's why.
Well, I bombed Friday, BUT that agency just called and is faxing my resume to a real estate office in town. I say in town, cuz EVERYTHING seems to be in the next county over (where DH works)... and NOTHING "up here", so a short commute would be nice.
I'm off to go "professional clothes" shopping.
I felt really pretty in my interview dress.. LOL!!
