As I said, the Retrouvaille marital retreat weekend really helped us. But I know exactly what you mean about never trusting him. I still go through his wallet, the papers on his dresser, his briefcase,his car, and his cellphone records periodically. We have been wounded, we will heal, but not without a scar. And I believe you are right, he dumped this on you. Now he feels better, and you feel bad. One night I got really angry about it with my husband and told him I wanted to have an affair and hurt him the way he hurt me. But I had decided to control myself, and I won't do it.
Retrouvaille teaches that forgiveness is a decision, and trust is a decision. We trust and forgive because we decide to do so, and we keep making that decision every day.
They say that marriage is like a building supported by four columns -- love, commitment, forgiveness, and trust. Of course our problem is the building is falling down because the pillar of trust has been shattered, and forgiveness is not holding strong either. That's why we must make the decision to forgive (him, not her), and decide to actively love and commit. This will hold the building up. But you also need to know that your husband is making the same decisions to forgive, to trust, to commit, and to love. If you can do this just in talking together, that is good. If you need to see a marriage counselor to do this, then that's what you need. Some people have recommitment ceremonies. One of the couples from the weekend bought new wedding rings and are having another wedding.
We are older and wiser now, we go into this with much more knowledge than we did the first time. You need a lot of reassurance from your husband. He should not just be sleeping peacefully. He should be helping you work through this.
