Vacillations of a WAW Come Home II

[lostlove]

Well, it's number 1 for a reason, Sue. Basically, sex is the ONLY thing I've gotten from my W for the last year and a half. She was totally closed off from me in pretty much all other ways. Therefore, I was minimally having my needs met this way...and have come to "rely" on it in some cases. I know that as some of my different needs are met (oh...like general affection, caring, tenderness, etc.), I'll be less focused on sex. This is what I tried to explain to my W...with very little success. So, really, it's a temporary #1. Does this make sense?

but because it is something that was there and is still there even if to a lesser degree...would it not make sense to put the other needs ahead of it? I only say this since it seems you did/do have a problem with the fact that this need was being filled even during the "bad" times, so then perhaps since that need was being filled why not focus on some other parts of the r for "intimacy" and let the "sex" take a back seat.

glad to hear your feeling better about the a, the pain will fade with time.

LL

[Floyd101]

Jethro,

I understand you having sex as #1 right now, because that is the only form of affection that you have been given for a while. All of the other stuff might not feel like affection. But I also agree with LL that if your W would start kissing you every day when you got home from work, wouldnt that make you feel great too? I think that those little things will take over the sex thing soon, very soon, as long as she starts giving a little bit in the areas that you need it. I honestly think that the only thing that you need right now is reassurance, and I think that if she showed you she was thinking of you, you would feel more comfortable.

I was going to throw in some Jethro Lyrics, but thought that Locomotive Breath would be a bad choice.

I did put Aqualung in, just for you. Havent listened to it for a while. Who else can turn the flute into a rock instrument? Only Ian Anderson.

[jethro]

Hey LL and Owen.

I only say this since it seems you did/do have a problem with the fact that this need was being filled even during the "bad" times, so then perhaps since that need was being filled why not focus on some other parts of the r for "intimacy" and let the "sex" take a back seat.

Hmmm...you've got a good point, LL. Problem is, this is what I know. I don't know what else to say, as the well has been dry for some time on so many of the other fronts. Yes, it's getting better. Yes, she's showing me more affection, paying more attention to me, etc. I guess what I really want I cannot have--for her to tell me she loves me...give me those verbal sweet-talking messages--so I try and find comfort in other ways because I have no other choice. In other words, she's not prepared to give me X, so I have to ask for Y until things seem better. I DO KNOW that my list will change over time. This is very difficult to explain...

I think that those little things will take over the sex thing soon, very soon, as long as she starts giving a little bit in the areas that you need it. I honestly think that the only thing that you need right now is reassurance, and I think that if she showed you she was thinking of you, you would feel more comfortable.

You hit it on the head, Owen. But what is "reassurance?" Reassurance that she won't have an A? Reassurance that she's here to work it out? Reassurance that she knows she loves me deep down and will find that love again? I need lots of reassurances, but I'm not getting all of them. I understand, too. The pain is still fresh, she's still unconvinced, she tells me it's day by day... I want more, but can't expect it. So, I'm back to patience, right?

I find that I can understand her feelings better when she's talking about other people in similar circumstances. I told her about Umbrella...since we talk on the phone sometimes. She said, "I empathize with each of them." Well, I guess that's better than her saying, she's all for U's W, but still... Also, remember that guy I called and told about DR when he was having M problems (one of the Karaoke husbands who has a WAW)? My W talked to his W this morning and she's lonely now that she's in her own apartment...and OM does not feel the same way about her as she does about him. So now, she's trying to work it out with her H, but she's on the fence. So, she and my W are having this conversation and I was so glad that my W heard that this gal is unhappy about living alone. So, this gal asked my W how she and I were doing (doesn't know about the A, but knows we're having troubles). My W said she's not going out as much and staying more at home to work on our M. In my opinion, this was a good conversation for both of them. Each was coming from the same WAW scenario, but each did something different--gal isn't happy living alone, and my W is focusing on the M and going out less. The universe works in strange ways. Funny thing, gal doesn't know that I have talked to her H...

Anyway, onward and upward...

jethro

[Floyd101]

Jethro,

I think that conversation was good between the two WAW's. Good for you for giving that guy DR. I am sure that it helped him out a lot. I remember you saying that you did that for him, I am glad it is working out for him.

Rassurance is all of those things that you mentioned. A little is better than none, and I think that she will start to give you those reassurances a little at a time.

[lostlove]

Problem is, this is what I know.

yes, this is what you know, but is that really true?? you know that you feel loved when your w is sexual with you but do you know that she is loving you when she has sex with you?? if you keep in mind that everybody has their own way of expressing "love" and "feelings of care" and all that mumbo, then perhaps you will be better able to put that focus elsewhere.

I too know sex as a means of expressing "love" so when h isn't giving it to me I take it as his not loving me etc...does me no good to think this way as it only serves to get me into trouble and our r into trouble. "sex" is not his way...and the more I learn to "know" that, the better able I am to "feel" loved by him when I can look over what it is that I "think" makes me feel loved and see how he shows love. is he showing me in his way? yes. am I hearing all the things I want to hear? no. am I getting all the physical attention I want? no, but I've decided that instead of resenting h for it and feeling down about it, I accept that it does not mean he doesn't love me, just means he's tired and not as ambitious as I when it comes to that.

LL did I make any sense??

[hoping]

jethro..it does make sense..and until you brought it up I hadn't thought too much about it..as I was thinking about our past 2 years when all these changes were slowly starting and the distancing was beginning, our sex was good..we have always connected there, even after 24 yrs!..so I guess I see your point, as h and I have never beeen close in other areas the sex was all I got..I was devastated when it all ended last March..almost as much as our m being in real trouble..now while I sure miss it, I am seeing that there can be so much more to a r then the "sex".
So thank you for bringing up a very private part of a r...one more great thing about all the friends I have met..opening up subjects and ideas to get us thinking about all sorts of different things.I feel like I have matured and am learning for the first time in my life what a true r between two people should be.
Sorry I rambled on your thread..I am just so excited about "things"
Sue

[Umbrella24]

I told her about Umbrella...since we talk on the phone sometimes. She said, "I empathize with each of them." Well, I guess that's better than her saying, she's all for U's W, but still...

Egads, now I've got your W upset with me too? Actually, I can't believe I used the word "egads".

Seiously jethro, keep plugging away. I looks like the pain is slowly subsiding, for both of you. And while she hasn't acutally said ILY, she is showing it in many many ways. Don't lose sight of that. She will say it, probably when you least expect it.

[jethro]

Hey all. I am stirring the pot here on the sex issue I see...

Floyd, yes, I agree the discussion between the two WAWs was beneficial to each of them. Of course, my W is a little further along in the healing process, but nonetheless, it's good that she hears it ain't so great on the living alone side.

LL, you're tough...really pinning me down on this one. I feel as though I'm not making my point very well. Maybe it's because I don't have a very good one?!?! Basically, it comes down to the fact that sex now helps me feel connected to her. This will evolve over time when I begin to connect with her in different ways. For now, sex is a means to an end...a way to keep me going, so to speak, while the other connections begin to flourish.

Sue, you can ramble any time you please. No worries. I fully agree that, "there can be so much more to a r than the 'sex.'" I have had this some years back and am excitedly anticipating the reconnection to these things.

Hey Jim! My W's not upset with you. She just "feels" for each of you guys. Yes, I'm waiting for the infamous ILY, but I don't expect to hear it for some time yet. It's okay...I can wait. Other things do seem to be coming along nicely, so it makes it easier to wait.

Until next time...

jethro

[lostlove]

LL

[Umbrella24]

Oh, I get it now. I misinterpreted what she said. Don't worry, I was just faking being upset. Sometimes I forget that mock surprise doesn't convey well on a BB.