Thanks, Bliss, for the support and encouragement. I have been feeling really together for a couple weeks, but this week has been hard. I know that the ups and downs are for a long time, and I also know I need to be patient; if anything will turn around between H&me, it will only be after a long separation; and I know it's very possible neither of us will hold out. Still, I wish I could shake the blues.
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is he chasing someone else, or is someone else chasing him?
Sara --
At this point, neither. He has insisted that he's not involved with anyone - and I have decided not to pursue whether he's lying to me or not. I know that if he's got anyone else, she's having a pisspoor time of it b/c he's either with our boys or working - and there's no place in this tiny town that he and she could go easily w/o being seen - and no one has seen him with anyone. To top it off, he's currently certain that he is incapable of having any real relationship with a woman - and he seems more depressed that way than anything.
As for someone pursuing him - that's possible but there's no sign of him reciprocating. To put it bluntly, he's just not seeming to be interested in anything like that. I'm not saying he won't after a while, but there's no sign that there is any chasing of any kind going on right now.
Imp - as always, thanks for the thoughts. I keep thinking that somehow I'll know when enough's enough.
Ok, so today there's no understanding gained. I haven't completely lost all ground covered, but I'm close. I have to come up with a strategy of what to do on days when I'm feeling way too vulnerable and then I'm alone (boys off with friends and friends off with spouses and other friends)!
I have nothing constructive to add here. I wish this was easier.
Thanks for the call offer; I'll give it a try. I ended up just getting to bed b/f I did too much damage, and this morning I woke up and wrote three pages of my novel. Maybe distressing days are good for my creativity!
And I have had a better day today.
I talked to a friend today who told me how this spring, four years after her divorce, her college boyfriend contacted her, told her he had loved her all these years and was now divorced. Long story short: they are now madly in love and dating. So, even though this current process isn't over, there are interesting stories of possibilities abounding.
Hmmm... Just yesterday I looked up the email address of an old college boyfriend. I haven't sent a message but I thought of doing it, just for kicks. I am so bad! For all I know he could be married or in the priesthood. But you never know.
I was talking to my dearest friend today. We have been best friends since 1st grade and she was my maid of honor and I was her matron of honor. She said that she honestly believes that my H has loved me and been happy all these years. She thinks he had a mental breakdown and there isn't really anything I could have done about it. She said that she is sure I will find someone again someday, and maybe it will be someone who is excited about life. (H was never excited about anything.) I told her that first I have to get myself to a point where I will never be afraid of feeling alone like this again.
I am glad you are feeling better today. I find myself cycling more. I can go up and down multiple times in one day. I dread this weekend. I always get down when the kids are gone. I need to try to keep busier.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
So do I. One thing I came away from last night deciding is that I have to have a strategy for when I know I'll be downward spiraling. I went to see my c today, and she agreed. I've decided that when things are beginning to look bad, I need to go for a walk and just try to breathe and focus on the feelings. Once I can focus on the feelings, I can dispell them. Good plan; now to see if I can keep it.
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Just yesterday I looked up the email address of an old college boyfriend. I haven't sent a message but I thought of doing it, just for kicks. I am so bad! For all I know he could be married or in the priesthood. But you never know.
Garrison Keillor has a great Lake Wobegone story about a woman who starts conversing over the internet with an old boyfriend. I listened to it around Valentine's Day when all of this was so fresh, and I just cried. Now, it might be more poignant than sad, I don't know. What you are describing, though, fits his story.
I was cycling now too as I'm feeling better. Like I said b/f, I managed to write a good beginning to my (someday) novel and that as well as talking with a few important people today have helped me to climb out of the dumps.
Hang in there, friend. We will both find our ways to less loneliness and more centering.
At my last class reunion, the wife of a friend said something about running into my ex. I looked at her like she was a Martian (no way she would know my ex-wife). She said no, I saw old GF. This is the GF I broke up with when I had met my wife. To make a long story short, I met the old GF, had a couple conversations and knew why she was an ex GF. She would have picked up with me right where we left off.
You know, Imp, I'd be in the same place. I don't have anyone from my past who I wish I had done things differently with. I have one friend who I'd love to have a fling with, but I know he'd never make husband material for me - and he's married now, so that's a door closed.
Still, I think it's romantic and fun when people who do have those possibilities connect again. A faculty friend of my dad's reconnected with and married a woman who was an ex-student (and had been a favorite babysitter for me and my sibs), and they are really happy now.
