I talked to the W again today. Some good things and bad things came out of the conversation.
Good stuff: She is going to visit a lawyer, but she cannot afford to get a D right now. I have time. She told me what she thinks my problem is, Sexual Addiction. I looked it up, and I do have three of the seven symptoms. Actual sex not being one of them. I have agreed to get counseling and am currently waiting on a call from a T. I told her about my fear of being able to be honest with her because she would leave me. She had nothing to say but she did listen.
Bad stuff: She is going to visit a lawyer. That means she is serious about leaving me. Even with me getting counseling, she is not committed to staying. She told her mom she just can't take it anymore.
She asked me if I was getting the counseling for her. I told her I was getting it for me and US. She said you shouldn't be getting it for us because there may not be an us. I said I was still going to get it for me and us. I asked her just to give me a chance to be honest with her about any and everything without the threat of her leaving. I felt that I have never had that. Every time we had an argument, she has threaten to leave me. That's why I just keep the peace and don't say anything.
I said now that we have a new counselor that is getting to the problem and giving us goals, we have a chance. We have never had that. We were each given what our problem was in the marriage this time. Hers is communication, mine is trust. Solution based therapy was going to have us on the road to recovery. We had one setback and she is ready to quit again. I don't see it as fair. I guess what I see doesn't matter right now.
She left with the kids to go over to her mother's house. She said she would be back sometime tonight. I think I am done talking to her about things. I believe I have said all I can say. Hopefully she will say she will continue with the counseling.
The mistake you made was telling her that the C was for you and her. You only need to work on you now and not worry about her. You can only control you!
So what if she went to see a L today, that doesn't mean anything, I know it's scary and hard but just be patient. What she need to see from you is that you are making these changes for you and only you. There are no guarantees that she will get back with you, but making changes will make you a better person with or without her. I know you want it to be with her, right? So you need to get to work on you!
You have to remember that our WAS's don't think that they have a problem: hence the "for us?!" comment that she made. In her mind the us is hanging by a thread, do it for you. Work on you!
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Yeah, i realized afterwards that it was a mistake in saying it was for us. I am making the change for me, but it is also for us. I actually feel okay now. I know it's a rollercoaster, but right now I fell as though i am at the first climb.
I was just reading the thread of 30andLost. I need to try to get to where he is.
I may have just realized where her sudden need for a divorce came from. I believe she has found someone else. To me, that actually makes me feel better because I know it's not anything I have done, she just finds it easier to put it on me. While I will have difficulty dealing with this latest revelation, I can now know that I have been doing things to get myself better and it wasn't enough for her.
I realize my mistakes have contributed greatly to our marital demise. I could feel better if she were to tell me about the problems she has brought the to M, but I have to leave my pride aside and know that I will never get that. I feel as though God has brought me to this place for a reason. And if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it.
All my faith is in God right now to take care of the kids, the W, and me.
She can't be intimate with me. So she is looking for something/someone that can meet her sexual needs.
I don't want the D. But I don't know if she is going to change her mind this time. She seems so resolute.
Don't let that sway YOUR decisions. You DON'T file, unless you WANT the D. My W was deadset on getting a D. She filed day 1 of our separation (Mar 31). Since then, she has waited around, we've had two meetings (zero contact otherwise), she hasn't moved on the D at all. She's even thinking about giving us another chance right now. And she was PISSED! She said she couldn't trust me, like your W told you. I think they're projecting their own self-doubt onto us (they don't trust themselves, they know they're doing something untrustworthy, etc.) So I just work on showing her I'm trustworthy. That's all I can do, it's all you can do for your W. Grow your own faith, your own character, your own trust in God, or whatever you believe in. That shows through - telling her you're trustworthy doesn't work, as you've surely noticed.
Good Luck!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Hanging up the phone when I come in the room quickly. Shutting down the computer when I appear in the room. Just the obvious stuff. Gone all day and not answering the cell. Stuff like that.
JR,
I just read this e-book that member ShesGreat sent me. It is just as good as DB and DR. I have already put some of the things in action and my W looked at me all puzzling. All I have been doing is acting happy. I will continue trying these things. This PMA really works. I may have a backslide but right now, I FEEL GOOD.
I just read this e-book that member ShesGreat sent me. It is just as good as DB and DR. I have already put some of the things in action and my W looked at me all puzzling. All I have been doing is acting happy. I will continue trying these things. This PMA really works. I may have a backslide but right now, I FEEL GOOD.
Thanks ShesGreat.
No problem! just keep it up, I know it's going to be hard, but the things that you want bad enough are.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Went to T last night by myself. Told him the same thing I had told the last two Ts. He wants to try to get her to back to couples counseling. I said not right now. She wants nothing to do with therapy right now. She wants out. He said that I know my situation better than he does and if I don't think it's time, then don't do it. But as soon as she seems to soften a bit, go for it. I am hesitant to do that. I will continue to just go by myself and let her say what she wants to do and validate.
