Quoting jethro: It's great...like we're connecting. I think she feels it too. I can sense it from the tone of her voice and stuff. I WANT MORE DAYS LIKE THIS!
ITS WHAT WE ALL WANT, EACH AND EVERYONE OF US!!! Its great that now the two of you are starting believe you can obtain it.
Hello all. Thanks for stopping by LL, KAW, Floyd, RJJ, Abby, and PMA2002. BTW, PMA, I assume your note is some reference to the Beverly Hillbillies? I know very little about that show. My screen name is actually based on Jethro Tull...an excellent band...
So, interesting things are afoot in the Jethro household these days. I decided to take Thursday and Friday off because there's little to do at work and lots of honey-dos (and jethro-dos) at home.
Anyway, Thursday my W and I get into a really big R talk. It all began when I asked her to participate in an exercise that's in "After the Affair," where we each rate (from 1 to 5) our most important needs. Needs include affection, conversation, sex, household stuff, financial support, etc....there's about 10...simliar to "5 Love Languages." I wanted to do this exercise so I could better identify her needs and log those credits into her "love bank." Well, instead of using one of the 10 choices, she added her own #1 need! Can anyone guess what it is? "To continue respecting the fact that she needs space." This is her #1! This comes before anything at all on the list! Unfortunately, I got irritated, which didn't go over too well. So that didn't start things off very well.
Then she got irritated with me because my #1 was sex. Well, of course right now it's sex, W, because that's pretty much all I've gotten from you this last year. Maybe if I had gotten some of the other stuff on my list it wouldn't be so important! This I explained to her as my justification. Next was affection, though.
She went on to justify hers as me giving her time at home alone, continue to support her need to get out, etc. I'm sorry, but this bugs because we're supposed to be working on us...not running away at every opportunity. Fortunately, over some debate we both began to understand each person's position. At least her #2 was conversation...that one's easy...
So, overall, she pretty much rated that she was satisfied in all 1-5 areas of her survey when it came to me doing these things for her. This also bugged because I was hoping for some good information to use to rack up those love units. I guess I'm perfect... Naturally, mine was a bit more harsh. She wasn't defensive though, and said she'd try and meet some of those needs.
Literally, with distractions, it takes us hours to get through this survey because we dragged all sorts of other crap into our talk. Not too bad, but it was there. I wasn't the best DBer by any means, but I think I did okay considering. She was pretty good too, so I have to give credit where credit is due. At one point she even said, "Aren't you saying stuff that it says not to say in the book (After the Affair) because it doesn't help when having these conversations?" I stopped myself and just had to agree with her and move on. She was right.
We get through all of this stuff and I'm feeling awful. I ask her how she feels and she's fine. I think my feelings had something to do with knowing she had plans to go our Karaoking with my sister that night. Not to the bar where she met OM, but another one. It's the first girl's night out since I found out about the A, so I was on my toes a bit. She knew I was uncomfortable and I told her so when she asked. She kept trying to reassure me. So, to highlight the evening she said a few both nice and interesting things: - "OM is not half the man you are." I asked why she said this. "At 33 you have come to a certain place that he's nowhere near at 47." A bit of a cryptic answer, but I knew what she meant. I was a good PMA booster. - "It's over with the OM." Of course, I've heard that before, but she can never say it enough sometimes. - "I will never have an A again because the stress is overwhelming. My stress is a little better these days, but it's so bad that I'm worried it's going to really affect my health somehow." This worried me, so I suggested medication temporarily. She doesn't want to do that, but if it gets her over the hump who cares? - She talked about OM a little, which was very wierd. She told me certain things like, his personality and beliefs are similar to mine. I had to stop that one because his beliefs ARE NOT similar to mine. I was not happy about hearing I'm similar to this scum, but she just said that she thought it was interesting that she was attracted to someone with a similar personality. Whatever... She also went on to say some negative things about OM, which I was very happy to hear. It was quite strange hearing these things, but it didn't really bother me, except for the similarity thing.
We decided not to talk about any of this crap on Friday because we were both burned out. At the end of the day it was a good talk. She never went singing because the other bar didn't have it on Thursday. My sister came over in the evening to visit a little, then left. My W and I talked some more...mostly it was the conversation about OM that I previously mentioned.
In the end it was good. Today was also good. She's being a little wierd tonight, but she's probably sick of me. Oh well...
I have a lot of catching up to do tonight on other threads.
Quote: Then she got irritated with me because my #1 was sex.
I hate to say it but this would probably be pretty high on my list right now too. I think her problem is she did that w/OM and is not ready yet. Dont worry too much about it.
Quote: At one point she even said, "Aren't you saying stuff that it says not to say in the book (After the Affair) because it doesn't help when having these conversations?" I stopped myself and just had to agree with her and move on. She was right.
Wow. She is learning better than you! Good for her. Instead of getting mad about it she is able to turn you around. That sounds great to me.
Quote: She talked about OM a little, which was very wierd. She told me certain things like, his personality and beliefs are similar to mine. I had to stop that one because his beliefs ARE NOT similar to mine. I was not happy about hearing I'm similar to this scum, but she just said that she thought it was interesting that she was attracted to someone with a similar personality.
You know these SAMS will try to justify their behavior. She wants to think that she didnt make a huge mistake just a mistake. Dont let it get to you b/c the statement before that she contridicts herself by saying
Quote: "OM is not half the man you are."
IMHO I think you need to slow down abit. Patience. You will get there but it will take time. I think that is why she is still crying for breathing space. Just tell yourself this is the beginning of the marthon; you have got to pace yourself. (((Jethro))) Abby
stopping by quickly (don't have alot of time dd just woke up from nap)
things seem to be going well but it seems to me that in a short amount of time you and w have been having alot of r talks. this can be good but it can also end up being overload.
maybe it would be best to for now at least try to just focus on enjoying eachother...doing nice things together like you did the other night going to dinner...or even better the other night when w went to bed early and you had a nice conversation. seems like maybe the activities in the books are not something to work on right now...or pace them out...once a month type thing with time set aside for it (noticed you said there were interuptions during the activity and that is not a good thing)
do have to run as I hear dd calling....maaameeee? maameee?? oh gotta love um...just had a snow ball fight with s (3) and h is napping on the couch in "cave".
HI, patience....if #1 is space...then I think you should honor that..and don't get mad at me, while I too miss the sex(10 months) is that really number 1, you have alot of things to work on and of course anger and hurt to deal with..give her the space she needs, leave her alone for awhile. work on some things for you. Sue
Good stuff all around. You and W are well along into the reconnecting process, and she seems like a willing participant. It's easy to want to speed things along and get back to where you used to be. I agree with LL...too many OR talks might cause some overload. Maybe take your foot off the gas and hit the brakes for a bit.
Hey guys. Thanks for visiting. Well, consensus says that I need to chill out. Honestly guys, it's not that bad. She's open to the discussions and I don't feel as though we have them all that often...you just hear about them because that's mostly what I post about.
Quoting Abby:I hate to say it but this would probably be pretty high on my list right now too. I think her problem is she did that w/OM and is not ready yet. Dont worry too much about it.
A cruel reality, Abby, is that she was more sexually "active" with me during her A because I think it turned her on. Things have tapered off a bit.
Quoting hoping:don't get mad at me, while I too miss the sex(10 months) is that really number 1?
Well, it's number 1 for a reason, Sue. Basically, sex is the ONLY thing I've gotten from my W for the last year and a half. She was totally closed off from me in pretty much all other ways. Therefore, I was minimally having my needs met this way...and have come to "rely" on it in some cases. I know that as some of my different needs are met (oh...like general affection, caring, tenderness, etc.), I'll be less focused on sex. This is what I tried to explain to my W...with very little success. So, really, it's a temporary #1. Does this make sense?
The rest of my weekend was much like any other family--time with the kids, chores, having people over for dinner, etc. It was nice having Thursday and Friday off. Nothing really new to report...just keeping it together. Yesterday I went out of my way to do those "acts of service" for my W. I replaced the vacuum cleaner bag, vacuumed the house, tidied up, washed dishes, cleaned the stove, and helped cook dinner. On Friday I fixed a couple of sinks and installed a new dimmer switch for the light in our dining room. I've been a busy jethro.
So, all in all, it was a good weekend...had some nice time with my W and the kids. Nothing earth shattering... My thoughts about her A are dimming a little. I don't obsess over it as much...still hurts often, however. It does show me that over time I'll gradually feel better. Problem is, the paranoia still exists about future A possibilities. I assume this will also dim...
This I explained to her as my justification. Next was affection, though. 
Naturally, mine was a bit more harsh. She wasn't defensive though, and said she'd try and meet some of those needs.
Oh well...