So often we hear that DB is like an endurance race. The difference is that we have no idea how long this race is, an we have absolutely no control over whether we will finish or not. Maybe it's more like a endurance race where we are tied to a partner, a three-legged endurance race, and we don't know how strong or dedicated our partner is.
Like a race, we start off fast and strong...full of hope and promise. Then as we put miles behind us, as we climb hill after hill and see nothing ahead but more hills, we can become discouraged. Our partner drags us down or stumbles or becomes distracted. We get so tied doing all the work and pulling all the weight. We need the support of the cheering crowds along the road to spur us on. They can tell us...sometimes even better than we ourselves...how we are doing. That's what the people on the BB are for.
Quote: I know I have a lot to be thankful for...it's just hard seeing it for what it is sometimes...seeing it through the haze of the pain I often times feel.
Sometimes we are standing so close to a situation, we can't see the big picture. We need other perspectives. Believe me, I'm not one who believes in giving false hope. That really screwed up my attempts at DBing...I became addicted to the "atta boys" and "pats on the back". You and your wife have made a hell of a lot of progress since October. A good, positive start. Remember that it's just a start. There is much more to come. Suck it up, grab your second wind, and settle in for the long haul. Take encouragement from the people here urging you on. Whether you believe it or not, your sitch gives a lot of hope to others.
Quote: I'm off for home and will turn on the DB switch.
I don't know what to advice (my own situation is so bad). But I feel that you are lucky in the sense that your wife is TALKING to you, giving you reassuring comments. My H is not. Maybe men are less wordy. He hates talking.
My H's actions are sometime encouraging. He is less withdrawn. But things he says kills me... kicks me right back to the starting point.
ok. It's only been 2 weeks since I moved back. It's a short ime. But I already feel these 'hills' every other day. Robbie is right. It's is indeed an endurance race. My friends/family thinks I will never get there without his sincere involvement.
Get on with our lives.. as Michelle says. I am seriously considering going to a dating agency. Even if I meet creepy people, it will help me to heal and become stronger, no matter what the outcome is. Perhaps I am scared of jumping off a boat into the deep blue sea. Perhaps I need a boat to jump to .... I feel like a bitch making these comments. But I do feel incrediby helpless.
We don't have any children. Neither do we have any finanicial ties. We are totally independent in that respect. Divorce for us can be done in 1/2 a day. Very easy indeed. Perhaps I should give him credit for staying with me even though it is just the GUILT, & even without kids .......
Sometimes you take the words right out of my mouth. I know exactly how you feel.
I also had my first dream about the A about a week ago. It was horrible, but I woke up alone with nobody to help comfort me. Mine was almost the same, I found out about multiple men. In my dream I pretty much lost it. Not a good dream.
Anyway, I hope today is a better day for you. I know its up and down day by day, so today should be a good one (hopefully).
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Quoting jethro: it's amazing how we talk on the BB about such severely abnormal behavior as "normal." You know, everyday conversation... I know it's negative, but it's like we've lowered the bar on humanity or something...to accept this behavior and try and make it work with these people.
The nature of this support board is such, that it is commonplace to have these discussion, and when something is commonplace it gives the appearance of being normal But the behavior on an individual level is not normal. We certainly don't expect our spouses to carry on with such behavior as part of their norm.
On the other hand, it appears commonplace for a person to experience a period of self doubt during their lifetime which can cause a person to lose themselves. Where a distorted view can lead them to believe that such inappropriate behavior is not so inappropriate. Usually, with the right kind of caring support, the person can find their way back.
Now the question is, should the mistakes a person has made when they lost their way but now is found, continue to devast the remainder of their lives and those that love them? Because they stumble, do we insist the fall flat on their face or reach out a hand in support? Which will make you feel better? Knowing you can lend the support the less unfortunate need to regain a chance at having a fullfilling life or that you would turn your back on them because it pains you to much that they have fallen? This is why forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, because in the end you have to answer, "Which kind of person do I want to be?"
Please don't take offense as I not trying to take a direct line of questioning at you jethro, but as rhetorical questions we each need to reflect on.
Robbie, your analogy is pretty good. It is a race, marathon, or triathalon...(give me my oxygen tank and a liter of Gatorade)... Without Michele's books and everyone's encouragement on this BB, I probably would have given in to the pain and given up. And yes, I have a hard time seeing the big picture. Every day is a challenge.
MsSad, I'm sorry you're feeling as though you need to contact a dating service. Yes, my W does give me reassuring words, but remember, she ended the A about four months ago (at least the physical part). Your H has just recently done it. The wounds are still entirely too fresh...for both of you.
Hey Floyd, good to hear from you. I can't help but think I'm you so many months ahead. You know what I mean?
KAW, always a pleasure, my friend. I take no offense to your rhetorical comments/questions. Believe me, all that you have said has entered my mind at one time or another. I'm constantly "meditating" on my situation...trying to find peace with it. Peace for me is forgiveness in recognizing that my W is in pain and has made a mistake that she regrets. Peace for me is pushing those images out of my head with her and the OM. Peace would be knowing that she feels about me the way she thinks she should feel about her H. The first two things are achievable. The last, I'm not so sure about. This is what really keeps me up at night. I know, detach, I have no control. For now, it comes down to one thing: I will not be responsible for inflicting on my children the kind of pain she has inflicted upon me...by splitting up or by giving up. Time, patience, and forgiveness...none of which are easy...
Quoting jethro: Such profound and philosophical responses...
Jethro,
It's true! I am feeling a little out of my league here, with nothing much intelligent to offer (see the title of my latest thread ). Anyway, I can still give hugs! {{{{{{{{{{Jethro}}}}}}}}}}}}
Well, nothing big has been happening the last couple of days. Pretty much biz as usual in the Jethro household. Gotta love those "regular" days, right LL?
Yesterday evening went rather nicely. I went to Yoga, mellowed out, and came home afterwards. My D was asleep, but my boy was still awake. He wanted to play for me the new song he learned at his piano lesson. He's quite the prodigy...first day he learned it he can play it...blows me away! Well, he's got music in his blood--FIL and MIL were in band when they were pregnant with W. FIL has recording studio (we've made some CDs), FIL plays a few instuments and sings, MIL sings and was a concert pianist, W sings and plays a little piano, and I play guitar (no singing please). Kid's got it in his blood and I'm so proud!
Anyway, we put my S to bed and W goes to bed herself. Huh!?!? It was kind of early. I went into the bedroom and she was just laying in the covers. I said, "You're in bed already?" She responded, "It sounded cozy." So, I sat on the bed and we talked for a good hour about this and that...a REALLY nice talk.
At one point, the discussion of my mother came up. My W gets annoyed with my mom because she's very tense...hence the reason I have a history of that myself, I'm sure. So, my W says, "I want to surround myself with people that are doing stuff like what we're doing." (meaning, all of the self-discovery stuff). I was very happy to hear her say "we" in this context. Then she recounted a conversation she had with my mom the other day that annoyed her. I simply told her that it's unimportant to get so riled up about this stuff...that it's only our egos that allow us to feel like we need vindication, etc. Guys, I was good and not "fixing." Her response was, "Okay, Zen Buddhist Master! I can't believe I'm hearing you say all this stuff that I've been reading about!" She was good natured about it. Chock one up for Jethro!!!
This morning I told her that I enjoyed our talk last night and she said she did too. I feel like, for whatever reason, we gained some intimacy last night...and I feel the positive afteraffects of it today (even on the telephone). It's great...like we're connecting. I think she feels it too. I can sense it from the tone of her voice and stuff. I WANT MORE DAYS LIKE THIS!
). Anyway, I can still give hugs! {{{{{{{{{{Jethro}}}}}}}}}}}}
