Crushed but moving on

[Rob1231]

Wow, looks like I have missed one hell of a post-a-thon! I'm gonna try to catch up on the convo a bit here, but let me just cut to the chase:

I agree with Scott.

One thing that struck me reading over the above was how many folks posted, in effect, Sure, I was responsible for all the bad stuff in the relationship... right up until my spouse had the affair. That was all HIS/HER choice and I had nothing to do with it. Sorry, gang - I completely understand where that's coming from - but that's wrong. The affair is PART of the relationship too. We helped create the environment - whether it was by neglect, or abuse, or whatever - that led to it. Our spouses didn't get to the point where they looked outside of our marriages without plenty of unwitting help from us.

Yeah, they pulled the trigger and did it. Yeah, that's a really horrible thing. Yeah, it's a sin if you're into that religious interpretation of things. But that choice of theirs was not made in a vacuum. It was made in the context of a marriage that was failing, and by definition we co-created that context with them. In my opinion (take it for what it's worth), we are equally responsible for this, just like every other problem in the relationship.

I think it was that realization that allowed me to really, truly forgive my wife for the affair. And I did - way back before there was any indication that she would give our marriage another chance. In fact, I firmly believe that that forgiveness, at that stage of the game, was the main thing that made my success story possible.

Now, before you jump my sh!t, I want to say that forgiveness does NOT mean saying it's OK that you did that or that didn't hurt me deeply. And it does not mean I'm going to be a doormat, either.

It does mean that I understand my part in what went wrong - EVERYTHING that went wrong - but that I'm not going to hold onto the pain and the resentment and the anger. As Scott says, that's not who I want to be.

My forgiving W also means that I am able to wait while she fixes her own problems, using my best buds Time and Patience. Even today, she's still pretty unhappy and messed up in a lot of ways. She's still waaaaay behind me in some aspects of personal growth and self-understanding. I'm not setting deadlines for her to "get it" and I'm also not saying I can do this forever. But for right now, I choose to continue hanging in there and hoping and helping where I am able.

Scott also talked about unconditional love, and got some feedback about how, yes, he should detach - but, no, he shouldn't do it lovingly. Again, I disagree. Loving detachment is what makes it possible for Scott, when it's all said and done, to look back on all of this and say "I'm sorry things didn't work out as we hoped, but no matter what path you end up taking, I can still be your friend for the sake of what we once felt and for the sake of our kids." That's not being a doormat - that's being one hell of a man.