Husband, I'm glad to hear about your plans for Friday night. I think it's important that you start to enjoy yourself alone. If you start to make some connections, even better.
I think you suffer partly because you hover around the R too much. You're watching it too closely, "waiting for the water to boil."
Our situations force us to be independent again (or for the first time). Make sure you do things that would be enjoyable for you, rather than just to be busy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I know you are right. I am just so content with being a stay at home guy. I know I can get back into it but Right now I really have to force my self to go out. I already find myself making excuses why I can't. I know I'm just a big chicken
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Close relations are all well and good, but occasionally you need your space, too. It doesn't mean anything is about to change; it just means you have a life along with your life as part of a couple.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband, Don't be so hard on yourself. Resistance is part of the change process. All of my GAL activities (dancing, writing) involve resistance. Every time I go to a lesson, a dance venue, a writing group, I initially have excuses as to why I shouldn't go.
We learn and grow by identifying what our insecurities are, ignoring them, and moving forward in spite of them. Feel the fear and do it any way, advises Susan Jeffers in her book.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Husband, You can give her the test and see what happens. Her response will give you information regarding her stance on the R.
Why are you feeling a need to administer this test at this time? I think it's probably too early to be doing Piecing-type activities, but an occassional risk is OK too. It can serve as a trial ballon.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
As for this test. The day that I did this test with my W and small group is the day I was told about the A. What a kick in the nuts that was. I learned that morning that my W LL's are words of affirmation and acts of service.... Well I have not had many opportunities to do either. I agree with CL this is a risky move and will probably come across as pursueing. A better approach is to ask her one set of questions a day in a subtle way. I would not let her know what you are up to.... Actually come to think of it a better way would be to implement each LL and see if or how she reacts. You did the gift thing and that did not seem make her feel loved....maybe it did but from what you posted you did not recieve much of a reaction. Try implementing a different LL each week and see the responce that you get from her. Overtime you should be able to determine her LL(s).
For all those who care to know mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither of them I get from my W.
Cl It is not really a "test". But it will help me know what my W may be looking for. I could give her all of the gifts in the world. But if she is the kind of person that would like Quality time instead of gifts I would be wasting my time. I have not taken it yet. Some of us really don't know what we want from our spouses we just know something is missing.
ERC.
I too was wondering if it is too soon. In the book it says that fulfilling the "emotional Love tank" can be done and gaining that emotional level can be obtained even it the spouse does not participate. You are filling there need. I guess it's kind of what the OM did unknowingly.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Don't give her the test. By giving her the test you are telling her "i can change", "i can be a better husband". And her response is going to be "its too late".
I hate to be blunt, but in all honesty she has a reason to be angry/indifferent towards you if you can't figure out what she needs. She probably has told you 100 times what she needs to feel loved. She just won't spell it out to you like "my love language is acts of service".
What does your wife complain about the most/what does your wife respond to the most?
What she complains about was the thing was what made it clear to me my wifes were Quality Time, and Acts of Service. Both of which i did not fill her tank for. I can still hear her saying "you never listen to me", and "i need you to get up with the girls at night"
I am doing my best to make this happen now, and honestly they are my 180s, but its late for me. I have seen the positives in my situation from it, but until my wifes A ends, i'm not sure there is any room for me in her heart.
