Wasn't sure what to call this thread, so I just called it the phase I think I'm going through.
I've been reading the book Rebuilding by Fisher. Chapter 12 is called Transition and it has been really interesting. Something in it really resonated with me. It is basically about how someone transitions into adulthood. It talks a lot about how specifically some individuals are still going through that process in older years and when they live with someone who is more a parenting type, they rebel and go through that phase as an older person and the stages of that rebellion in order to create their individuality. Unfortunately they often push away their partner in the process because they blame them. It reminded me a lot of my relationship. The book Crazy Times too talks about too how a lot of affairs and marriage problems occur in relationships that have this dynamic. I think my husband and I had that dynamic. I don't think it was either of our faults, and I think you are often drawn to people the fulfill that need for you (maybe him needing someone more responsible and me needing someone less so in order to maintain the perfectionist/controlling factors in my life). At any rate, it is a dynamic that can be changed once recognized but it is one that can lead to this rebelling pattern that we see in many walk away spouses. Not saying that is the case for all walk away spouses, but I do think it sounded really fitting for my relationship.
If that "transition" period is fitting of what my H and I are going through, then the cool thing about it is that we are both growing up and gaining our individual identities through all of this and actually this process is about us both growing into adults. That is kind of exciting in a weird way. Out of fear, shock, and everything else, I have tried to control what happened in the last year, didn't give H space always, etc and I was making his actions about me and taking them personally (totally normal given the anger, pain, hurt, etc.). What would have been better would be to back off and realize that what he was/is doing was just where he's at right now, and that isn't really about me, but about him transiting and finding himself. If he comes out of that, it is pretty cool because it will mean he's grown into the man he wants to be. That man might not be someone I want to be with or that process may take years, and he may not continue his marriage during it, but either way, I do accept that it is a process and interesting. The scary part maybe right now is he seems stuck in the rebelling externally phase rather than the internal phase where you start to look at yourself and stop blaming others or acting out on others.
I recognize too, lately, that I am taking a lot of the "blame" for our marriage falling apart. It's hard when you are introspecting on it all and realizing what you did wrong, because the other person isn't doing the same (at least with you verbally) so you often seem to be taking the larger responsibility. I do really see it though as us both making mistakes, together, having a dynamic that needed tweaking, but in the end, I know he is the one that walked away and didn't come back to the table and that isn't about me. Both people have to be willing to look at themselves and the marriage and come back to working on it and in their time frame.
Just got a call from a college friend. She is having a baby this week, her 4th. Crazy how someone my age is on their 4th and I haven't begun and crazy to hear her talk about it. The grass is always greener... here I was thinking how grateful she should be for her blessings of 4 kids, and she was talking about how she can't believe she is going through the baby phase again and how she wanted to be there a year ago rather than now so the kids were closer in age since now the older ones are more self sufficient, yada yada yada. Just makes you realize again to appreciate what you have in your life. Everyone has dreams and desires and time frames they want things in. Life doesn't work that way. Need to have faith, appreciate, and live.
Got a call from a guy on my v-ball team. The other team, I used to play on, is going out tonight for drinks so they invited me with. I have class but I'm going to join them after that. I'm excited about that. I really like these people on my v-ball team and truly enjoy hanging out with them. I feel so blessed by all the friends I've made in the past few months. That is a definite area of growth for me. I used to be so succluded and dependant on my friendship with my husband and when that was taken away, I felt really alone but found quickly that I wasn't or wouldn't be alone. I make my life what it is.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
