I didn't see you two getting to the root of the EA.
OK. I've thought a little more about this. Here's the *root* as discussed/talked about/processed by both of us...
Just over 3 years ago, I lost virtually all of my (fairly good) income overnight through a freelance contract that was pulled out from under me with zero warning. At the same time, we'd only just bought a bigger house, with a bigger mortgage, which we therefore couldn't afford anymore, which also needed a shitload of work doing to it, which, again, we couldn't afford anymore. A month later, we had our second child, a month after that, my W's dad was diagnosed with very late stage cancer. He died within 5 months.
Ok, so that's the background. Multiply that by 2 years - neither of us getting on particularly well, no money, no social life, 2 young kids who wouldn't sleep well, lots of debt, me getting depressed because I'm not earning the money we need even though I'm going hell for leather with work, me getting too wrapped up in work, me not doing any of the things I used to enjoy anymore, me getting depressed, angry, resentful because I'm not getting the affection I need from my W who's also depressed, angry and resentful of the situation so is not feeling up to dishing out any kind of affection in the first place, and who is also not doing any of the things she used to enjoy, and who also has some post-natal depression, and with both of us living in a rundown, fallingdown, yet potentially stunning, house with holes in the roof and buckets on the floor to catch the drips that pissed on us day and night and day again.
Add a sprinkle of body image/self esteem/aging issues on my W's part, stick it on the back burner, boiling point, for 2 years. What do you get? A recipe for disaster, right?
So, she began going online as an escape from the day-to-day [censored], right. Just checking stuff out at first. Chatting to people. Y'know. No sinister intentions at all. Then, wahaay, a 24 YO kid starts paying her some attention, just when she really needs it, and blammo... she buys it. And the rest is (very recent) history.
So, that's basically the root. She was escaping from what was essentially a very, very shitty life. Or a very, very shitty period in what should have been a great life.
Yes, we have talked about this. Processed it. Whatever. I fully accept my (significant) part in it. However, my problem has been that all the time, I've been looking hard for something concrete to hang her EA on. I've been asking myself what one *single* thing did I do that was so awful that she had to go and do it. She's not been able to give me that answer, because there WASN'T *one* thing that I did.
It was the entire situation. Her life.
So when I'm asked what caused this mess, I catch myself saying (or writing) that she's not really given me a single reason. But y'know, she actually has. We've already discussed it. At length.
She was escaping. I can't condone it, but I can sorta understand what she was feeling because I was going through the exact same thing. I was sorely, sorely tempted to leave myself, but maybe my threshold for riding out [censored] is higher than hers, and I was able to stick it out. Who knows.
What I do know is that the EA and her 'moving' out were a wake-up call for us both - and a clear sign that we needed to sort our lives out. And we are.
As for climbing back up out of the pit, we've talked about what we need to do: Sort the finances out. Pay more attention to the house we're in. Not get so wrapped up in work. Do more stuff together. Communicate more. Talk. Etc, etc.
Of course, some of these things take time, but we're getting there.
I think.
Now, is any of that a valid (for want of a better term) root of an EA?
