Trust me, you are much more together than I was in your place. I would call XH in the middle of the night and lie about the dog freaking out just so I could talk to him. I had so much physical anxiety, my arms felt completely bizarre. I just wanted to cut them off to make the feeling go away, not seriously, but I did hate carrying my arms around with me.
"I think I am going to ask him to write up what he thinks the "committment to the family but not the marriage" would look like. And I'll write up the boundaries I think I would need, see if we can try that for a while."
Donna, please please please, wait on this. Personally, I think the idea is incredibly unhealthy. In any case, you have two months living as roommates to try it out. Just let things be and see how they go.
Also, your intense analysis is probably one reason he feels overwhelmed by you. He cannot keep up with you. At the end of an argument, when he concedes, he probably later feels somewhat taken -- "Hey, what happened to what I was saying. She pulled her tricks again, I just can't keep up with her."
"He keeps saying that it is not about meeting someone else, that he doesn't want to get his heart broken again. I believe that..."
Donna, that jewelry was not for you. He has been having an extended EA, maybe a PA, maybe with CW, maybe with someone else.
"maybe this whole thing is about him trying to find his own independence, breaking free from the limits he thought came from me but really came from within himself."
No doubt.
"I would not have denied him living his life, doing what made him happy."
If this is true, then you have got to find other support systems. You cannot keep H around because you need him. He does not want to be there for you in that capacity. He is tired of making you happy, keeping you happy. He does not want his life to be about YOUR needs.
"Last night showed me that I need to be near him, at least."
No, you really don't. You will be OK. Get your puppy. Go see MIL. Go see your friends. Get in your car and go get a hug from a cousin. Post in Just For Fun and find other DBers who live near you. Go for a massage. Find a hug therapy group.
"but something deeper--knowing that I am not alone in the world."
You are not alone in the world. Until you can feel this on your own, you will remain too dependent on H. He does not want to keep making the world the way you want it to be for you anymore.
"It all sounds so pathetic and weak when I write it out, but I don't know how else to deal with it."
OMG, it does not so pathetic or weak. Writing it out is a great way to deal with it.
"Staying together in the same house will keep us in each other's lives, financially secure for ourselves and the kids, keep up the team work in managing a home and family, and have someone close who at least cares. There is love between us, if not romantic love. I just need to set him free. Maybe I will find a freedom of my own, too. Free and committed? Wonder what that will look like..."
You have two months to try to see if this will work. You don't need to figure out the details. You don't need to make long term plans. You don't need to give him anything on paper or get anything from him on paper. You have agreed to live together for two months. Just back off and see how it goes. Don't try to read the future.
For now, focus on your own support systems. Who can you call, where can you go, who can you see? There are answers to these questions. You are NOT alone in the world. You just want to give the answer you WANT. But that is not good for you, H, or your M in the long run. There is NO WAY he is going to have the space he needs if you are relying on him to meet your emotional/physical needs. His need is to be emotionally/physically independent from you. And, you truly need to become OK by yourself. And you can.
