Healing from Infidelity

[saffie]

Hi again Sara

Thought i'd reply to you on this thread as you have put how I feel so well.

I don't think my H would go back to OW he was involved with but I am so worried that if he did, or got involed with another OW because he was unhappy, I wouldn't be able to tell. Because I find it hard to understand why a person in a relationship would allow themselves to get involved in ANOTHER relationship before finishing the first one, I feel that I am not able to detect the signs if something happens.

The worry of not being able to read the signs leaves me very unsettled and questioning everything H does. Also H never seems to think about what he does or look at it from my perspective; he just carries on as though nothing evr happened.

It seems to me that our H/W's can have affairs and if you want to stay with them and they with you, then they just carry on and we are left picking up the pieces. I know I am taking a simplistic approach, but I do feel that my H dropping his bomb was the beginning of the end of an awkward phase for him whilst it was the start of a very very bad time for me. H sleeps well at night and I hardly sleep at all. I feel vulnerable and am greiving badly for the marriage I thought we had - not perfect obviously, but much better than it obviously was for him!!I can't come to terms with the fact that he let someone else into our marriage. I had always thought my husband was an honourable man and now that thought has been shattered. I worry about the message his A has given to our children.

I desperately want to forget about his A. I want to stop thinking abot it. There is so much more to our lives together but I am living in real danger of throwing everything away because I cannot stop fixating on his A and the other W. I think about her and what happened all the time and he never does - how screwed up is that??? I'm even crying typing about it. I understand why he says it happened and we have both changed things to improve our relationship and try to ensur nothing like this happens again. I recognise what happened as a wake up call, so why cant I stop wanting to hurt the OW like she has hurt me? Why do I take what she tried to do to my marriage so personally? My husband tells me that they never discussed their OS's when they were together and he nevr thought about her H and she never thought about me. Surely they must realise they damage they are causing.

Another thing that I find really hurtful is that my H is not the sort of man to be intimate without having strong feelings for someone and so I know he must of really cared for her, (or thought he did). Thankfullythat side of their relationship was a disaster but does that mean he stayed with me only because that side of our relationship is good?

When he told me about the A my immediate reaction was one of wanting to keep together and that was what I fought for. I know in my heart it is the right decision and I know we love one another but what if he forgets that again in the future? The lack of trust and confidence is soooooooooo hard. I really dont know if I can keep living with it. How soon will the pain ease?

yours affectionately

saffie