I did make a couple of HD cyber girlfriends who became IRL friends, but I mostly just listened to them talk about sex and picked up a few ideas. They were part of the reason I started questioning my LD state. One of them is VERY HD and I admired her for being so comfortable with her sexuality and so open about it. Getting to know her helped me see that I was missing out. They already knew I was LD before they met me, because they were on another of cac's boards.
IMHO this is a MAJOR key for the "LD" spouses. Being able to have friends that have been able to be happy and HD.
Chrome
True, but probably not a common occurrence. I never knew any "really" HD women until I met my cyberfriends. I think some of my IRL friends have "healthy" drives, but we just don't discuss it. My very HD cyberfriend was originally from South America, where they tend to be very open about sex, so she freely talked about it, what she likes to do, how often, etc. I had never met someone like that before.
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Hey, wanna be a cyber -> IRL friend to my W? LOL
LOL. If I thought I could help your W, I would try, but I'm still finding my way. Even though I've made the choice to have a better SL, I still fight the old habits and auto-pilot behavior. It's definitely a process.
Yeah, I'm still weighing it all up - on one hand, I don't want to be a 'weekend dad' or have to get by on whatever custody arrangements would be decided, but on the other hand, I also don't think I can stay in a marriage without sex.
Rock and a hard place, anyone?
You just summarized the biggest problem most of here face. Sometimes it's zero sex, sometimes it's X times a year but the same issue. Some have kids, some don't, some have no issues other than sex, some have sh*tty marriages already with this on top of it. I'd classify affairs as the latter case.
As you say, rock and a hard place, but for me zero sex would be a trigger to force a decision. Did she ever say exactly why this is so? For me, talking to my W about how she feels about sex lets me understand her POV and the reason behind the low frequency, and not get paranoid. If she said "I just am not turned on by you" it would be over.
She's been direct enough with me to tell me it's because she hates her body, although I'm guessing there are other issues surrounding this, even on top of 'tiredness with work', 'two young kids', 'headaches' and so on, and so on.
As someone pointed out a little while ago, you don't have to keep the lights on.
But... she hasn't exactly ruled S out completely in the future, though - she basically says that it'll be "her choice when it happens". Yeah, that's fair enough, I can't force her. Only thing is, I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, and nothing concrete seems to be happening - although I have noticed a big increase in affection & communication between us in the last couple weeks. Got an 'ILY' after work last night, and another this morning, amongst other nice stuff.
So that's where I'm coming from in all this - I'm basically trying to decide *how much longer* I can wait, whilst at the same time GAL, PMA and all that kind of stuff.
It's especially difficult because the *only* issue we have right now is sex. Everything else is really good right now, however I don't think it will be long before that big old elephant in the room tramples all over the nice stuff.
And then shits on it just to make sure.
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It's more common to hear "I just am not turned on by it/sex
AC wrote :It's especially difficult because the *only* issue we have right now is sex. Everything else is really good right now, however I don't think it will be long before that big old elephant in the room tramples all over the nice stuff."
People often write here that "everything is good except the sex". If everything else were good, then the sex would be also.
The fact is, the relationship is broken if you can't express a need and it get factored into the larger framework of the relationship.
Everything is NOT good. Maybe your wife's needs are being met in the relationship, but yours aren't.
My opinion is that the two of you haven't completely worked through the affair yet. The proof is in the lack of intimacy. In other places, I see this dynamic at work fairly often. The wayward spouse doesn't fully recommit to the relationship after an affair, as their feelings for the other person are still in play. That is part of the reason that no contact must be maintained if the relationship is to have a chance.
You and your wife, and a GOOD marriage counselor that really understands affairs and their affect on marriage, need to get together and explore what's going on.
I don't think you are getting complete honesty from your wife about how she feels. She is likely concerned that you would walk if you knew, and that is a legitimate concern, but you have a right to know what you are actually competing with.
You can choose if you want to wait on her head to clear or not, but it should be your choice, not her choosing for you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
She's been direct enough with me to tell me it's because she hates her body, although I'm guessing there are other issues surrounding this, even on top of 'tiredness with work', 'two young kids', 'headaches' and so on, and so on.
As someone pointed out a little while ago, you don't have to keep the lights on.
Kinda weird but true... a man doesn't care what his own body looks like, as long as his partner approves of it; he's way more interested in what his partner's body looks like. But if a woman doesn't like her own body, she gets turned off.
Originally Posted By: AmbientCoast
Only thing is, I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, and nothing concrete seems to be happening - although I have noticed a big increase in affection & communication between us in the last couple weeks. Got an 'ILY' after work last night, and another this morning, amongst other nice stuff.
That doesn't exactly count as "nothing". It's just the first steps along the way. If she was "friendzoning" you permanently, she'd keep the physical affection limited and try to string you along with words, the way all the "just friends" girls did in high school.
Originally Posted By: AmbientCoast
So that's where I'm coming from in all this - I'm basically trying to decide *how much longer* I can wait, whilst at the same time GAL, PMA and all that kind of stuff.
A good dose of GAL & PMA will help you hold out longer. With the loving detachment added in, you'll be more attractive and more able to stand your ground when it comes to that.
A lot of dads manage to get 50/50 custody if they fight for it, assuming your W doesn't just leave the kids with you again. At any rate, if you're too afraid of her leaving, you'll walk on eggshells around her, and that'll just make you less attractive and more annoying. At some point, you have to get to know the possibilities and be able to accept them with equanimity, in order to keep fear from driving you to accept less than you need to make you truly happy.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Kinda weird but true... a man doesn't care what his own body looks like, as long as his partner approves of it; he's way more interested in what his partner's body looks like. But if a woman doesn't like her own body, she gets turned off.
FWIW. That might be true for a majority of men and women but it is not an absolute. For my XH it DID matter how he felt about his own body as far as having sex and for me even when I gained some weight and had some issues with my body it did NOT affect my interest in sex with my XH. And I know other men and women with similar experiences.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I just went back read your original posts, and I didn't see you two getting to the root of the EA. NOPkins is right, the situation is f**ked up and needs to be thrashed out. IMO she is back out of guilt and lonelyness rather than any real desire to fix the marriage.
You have my sympathy, I don't have much advice on how to proceed, other than addressing the problem directly is usually the best approach. It's hard to do with a loved one though.
I keep smiling when I see your name because it reminds me of an old "Coach" episode. Coach's daughter is dating an artist named Stuart and when Coach calls him Stu, Stuart says "Please don't. When you call me Stu, you take the "art" out of Stuart." My brothers and I used that line for many years!!!
Fearless
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
