My H is off work sick and doesn't know I post so will be offlime a few days will reply ASAP. Kind of understand both POV here will try to tell things from how I see it ata later date/ Didn't want you to think was ignoring you Love shmagic
Since her surgery she has had a problem with overly sensitive breasts....
...When I suggest that these issues may be physical she counters with the fact that she kept her ovaries and she should still be maintaining hormonal balances. Of course, she won't go get it checked out.
Regarding the breast sensitivity, it seems obvious something has "changed" as a result of the surgery -- even though she kept her ovaries. Maybe the breast sensitivity is to be expected, even when the ovaries are kept; maybe not. Maybe there is a simple treatment; maybe not. If it were me, I'd probably take the approach: "You're not a doctor, so quit making your own diagnoses. Something HAS changed, and you need to find out if it is something serious. If you don't like the doc you've got, find another one that is more sensitive and one you can openly talk to."
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
To make matters worse, she has always been (with occasional, wonderful exceptions) overly reserved about what is and is not pleasurable in bed so it is difficult to try to work around these constraints....
Is sex for her uncomfortable now? Are things that used to be pleasurable causing her no pleasure, or the opposite of pleasure?
I think in my situation, I underestimated how important a factor the discomfort/lack-of-pleasure was to her interest and how her body "performed". I must have been an idiot to not latch on to that issue.
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
...I think she thinks it is "wrong" and if she starts to like it too much she will pull me away with an almost panicked reaction like she is afraid she might O and that it would be "icky".
You "think she thinks" sounds like you should talk to each other.
Can you ask her what she is feeling/experiencing/worrying about when she pulls you away?
Can you explain to her why it is that you don't want her to pull you away, and what it is that you feel when you do what you do there, why you want to do it, and why you want her to be receptive to this act of love from you? Can you ask her if there are any terms under which she would be willing to let you continue for a longer time, at least occasionally, since it is so important to you?
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I am getting tired of feeling like I am having sex in a mine field.
I've been in that sort of mine field, and can sympathize with you.
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
I cannot get her to understand that while it is her body, it is affecting our marriage. She says she enjoys sex. That while she doesn't O that it is "fine". Wow, nothing like being damned with faint praise to bolster the old ego. I even tried to get her to understand how incredibly depressing it is for me to contemplate the idea that at the age of 44 I may never experience a female having an orgasm again. Nothing seems to matter.
Here's what I think. You need to find a way, for now at least, to not take this all so personally. She's been through a lot. Her body has been through a lot. Whether she has an orgasm or not is probably less a reflection of "you" or "your performance" than it ever has been. There are bigger factors at work.
Try to enjoy what she is giving you, and try to appreciate that many women wouldn't bother to give you so much under the circumstances. She must love you and care about your needs to a significant extent to be willing to give you pleasure, even if it isn't exactly what you want.
I think it's easy for many people to underestimate the emotional wants and needs connected to the physical act for men (at least for the sorts of men that end up around here). It seems likely that she does not understand at all the pain you feel. From what I've read on this board, and from my own experience, it's important to help her "get it" -- a clear understanding of what's going on inside you. But, there's probably a balancing act involved. If you mention it too much in the wrong way, then she'll become less likely to ever understand. Yet, if you don't have clear-enough discussions where she can see and feel your angst, then she might not ever "get" it either.
I secomd Fiji's comments. I didn't reply as I'd been thinking about your sitch.
What you think you are saying to your wife is I want to give you pleasure and want to make love to you. It sounds to me like she could be hearing you are no longer any good in bed. Nothing seems to turn you on the way it used to and now since the hysterectomy you are no longer a real woman as you can't orgasm.
This is how I would feel. Like I wasn't able to please you so why even try.
Its a catch 22 here you want her to be able for her to let go but how you go about it is the key. By saying you want the old wife back you've reinforced that she's rubbish in bed.
Think about it if you were having ED problems and she said I wish you were harder as its not the same now you can't get it up properly any more it would turn you off actually it would destroy you.
As regards the breast tenderness it is probably hormonal and she should be checked out. Dryness can be overcome with Replense and lubricants. She probably needs tons ofreassurance that you love her for who she is not just in a sexual way. She could be frightened that if she's not good enough in bed you'll leave her for someone younger.
Its good you're talking about problems but putting on all this pressure just makes it less likely she'll orgasm.
Thanks for your input Fiji and smagic. Fiji, in regards to talking about when she pulls away, I have BTDT. She does not seem to recognize that she does this. So the other day when I brought it up again I told her that, although it may ruin the mood, I will bring it up as it happens the next time just so she knows what it is I am talking about.
No, I do not think it causes her discomfort and I really do not think I consider it a reflection of my performance (although I will ponder the thought). Hell, how can my performance be judged if she refuses to stay past intermission ;).
Shmagic, thanks for pointing out how she might be interpreting my desire for more as her not being any good in bed. The fact is, right now she isn't and I know she can be. I have always interpreted this to be her unwillingness but I may have my chicken mixed up with my egg. I need to get closer to her in other ways as sexual problems is a symptom of deeper problems. This was hammered home Saturday night. She is very guarded and we had just made love for the second night in a row when she started to bring up an argument we had had the week before. It was as if she had an inner voice whispering "You are getting too close. Better throw up some walls around yourself and create some distance".
That being said, I still think there are physical issues that I wish she would address. She doesn't believe she could have hormonal problems because she has her ovaries but what she will not consider is that she was on the pill for a couple of years before surgery to control her fybroids so she may have been masking hormonal problems for years before her surgery.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
No advice on the hysterectomy issue. I do know that my Mom went through a period of wildly labile emotions for several months post-hys until the hormones levelled out. However, they took her ovaries and she was on replacement. Some hormone levels might help answer the issue. Hormones have profound effects on emotions. My best friend has post partum depression and couldn't understand why she hated and wanted to divorce her perfectly nice husband until the doc tested her hormones and discovered that she had virtually no estrogen in her body. A day on a patch and she loved him again. The hormone issues may be affecting not only how your W's breasts feel but how she feels about sex in general.
BTW - lovely weather the last couple of days in the Central/Southern MD area. Hope you are enjoying it and getting outside a bit. This is my last week on maternity leave and I am!
Balto, good post from FijiOrBust I think it's easy for many people to underestimate the emotional wants and needs connected to the physical act for men (at least for the sorts of men that end up around here). It seems likely that she does not understand at all the pain you feel. From what I've read on this board, and from my own experience, it's important to help her "get it" -- a clear understanding of what's going on inside you. But, there's probably a balancing act involved. If you mention it too much in the wrong way, then she'll become less likely to ever understand. Yet, if you don't have clear-enough discussions where she can see and feel your angst, then she might not ever "get" it either. Wish I could get he (BB) to get it.
shmagic It sounds to me like she could be hearing you are no longer any good in bed. Nothing seems to turn you on the way it used to and now since the hysterectomy you are no longer a real woman as you can't orgasm.
This is how I would feel. Like I wasn't able to please you so why even try. That sounds similar to BB Shemagic. I don't know how to get past her "why try." I am even getting to the point of having my own “why try, it isn’t worth the effort.” I even had a blow up with BB yesterday.
Its a catch 22 here you want her to be able for her to let go but how you go about it is the key. By saying you want the old wife back you've reinforced that she's rubbish in bed. Shmagic, I see a jump in your post that might be your feelings but I never implied it to BB and will assume Balto never implied or said it to his W. That is “she’s rubbish in bed.” I am going to call that is you or maybe some of our W’s feelings but not my or Balto’s thoughts. You are making or borrowing trouble and injecting it into the situation.
I am not saying you are intentionally causing trouble but am suggesting you, Balto’s W, and some women take it that way (rubbish in bed) but the H doesn’t even have thoughts like that. The H misses the previously higher sex drive his W had.
When BB had her hysterectomy, I expected changes and never complained. I think I showed a lot of concern for BB’s new state. BB is the one that lost interest in sex and to validate her position and lack of desire, BB said I wanted sex 3X a day and that wasn’t something she was going to do so she was going to only be interested in a couple times a month.
I talked till I am blue in the face that I never felt like approaching her 3X a day, although 2X a week always crosses my mind.
The following is good advice Shmagic As regards the breast tenderness it is probably hormonal and she should be checked out. Dryness can be overcome with Replense and lubricants. She probably needs tons ofreassurance that you love her for who she is not just in a sexual way. She could be frightened that if she's not good enough in bed you'll leave her for someone younger.
Its good you're talking about problems but putting on all this pressure just makes it less likely she'll orgasm. TMI and FYI, last time BB had an “O” with me was 1981. She claims she doesn’t want one and doesn’t want to become hooked on them, especially ones from a man. BB does understand that sex to most men is important and will participate in sex for my benefit. (that was difficult to post)
Balto, within a couple of days I will post some things from 2 books about sex after hysterectomy and age 50/60.
Balto, My best friend has post partum depression and couldn't understand why she hated and wanted to divorce her perfectly nice husband until the doc tested her hormones and discovered that she had virtually no estrogen in her body. A day on a patch and she loved him again. The hormone issues may be affecting not only how your W's breasts feel but how she feels about sex in general.
Now if only I could get W to see this possibility. She seems to have an almost Calvinistic attitude as if treating hormone levels is akin to taking an illegal narcotic to change your mood.
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BTW - lovely weather the last couple of days in the Central/Southern MD area. Hope you are enjoying it and getting outside a bit. This is my last week on maternity leave and I am!
Karen
Yes, between my two boys I coach or otherwise help out with baseball almost every night. Me younger son plays M-W-F and my older boy plays semi-pro up in Harford county and sometimes that runs 4 days a week so I have been out quite a bit. It has been beautiful for 3 weeks straight, barring one or two days a bit too hot.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I'm getting ready to leave my office for awhile, but the title of your thread caught my eye. I can come back if you want to kibbutz this about a bit. Though I'm divorced and have no potential sexual partner on the horizon, I'll tell you that I've been a HD woman most of my life...
That being said, I'm very close to having a hysterectomy done (at the age of 45). I have a uterine biopsy scheduled for Tuesday, and I'd LOVE to give you a glimpse of the life of a woman who is facing all these issues. Before I go, I will tell you that there are many women who are NOT candidates for estrogen therapy or any type of hormone treatment. So please don't assume that there is a one pill cure all for your W.
I'll try and level with you as much as I possibly can. I will tell you that some of the posters have said things that resonate with me--losing the core of my femininity, seeing myself as a middle aged drone, trying to cope with the medical fallout the best I can AND try to keep my wits intact and work diligently on the belief that I'm an attractive and sexy woman. The fact is that I feel awful and it's very difficult to convince me that someone is going to want me after all of this.
I've got to run, but I'll close with a very bold statement: I'm glad that I don't have someone wanting to have sex with me right now. It has everything to do with the whole caboodle and not anything about sex specifically.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, I understand what you are saying and I know they are difficult issues. My wife got some solace from http://www.hystersisters.com. It may be worth looking into. It has forums for pre and post-op. It even has a FAQ for men although it (if you can believe this) has a question "When can my wife cook?". I've gotta believe I'd have gotten smacked if I had the audacity to even think a question like that.
I will say that the hyst has not affected my W's desirability whatsoever. She is just as beautiful and desirable as ever. In fact she seems to improve with time like a quality wine. It is her desire for sex (or maybe for sex with me) that seems to have been lost. I understand not all medical treatment is for everyone and I will accept the judgement of a doctor if she would just go to one.
Good luck and I hope things work out well for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember what I said about my W. It will not affect your desirability, attractiveness, or sexyness one bit unless you let it.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Betsey