Crushed but moving on

[S_O_T_S]

Hi swashy.

So my thoughts of skyrockets in flight are temporarily suspended for a good cause.... As always (you know the drill....)

And you also know that I'm not the type to come in, guns blazing and whacking the 2x4 in all directions. How about some gentle nudges? They seem to help, sometimes, as my friend tgh might attest.

Just saying you don't know until you are in those shoes. Let's put it this way, I'm willing to forgive the A and move forward but she is unable to move forward from the yelling.

Ooooh, boy. Whether this is simply contextual misunderstanding on my part or what, I don't know.

But the phrasing of this seems.... odd?

Forgive the person, not the act.

And you, of course realize that you have absolutely no control over her choice to forgive, or the timetable for it.

And I refuse to think that she doesn't WANT to save her M.

Interesting that you choose this phrasing too, since I literally just had the same conversation w/ someone else about my own refusals. Just believe this. While you may believe this, the reality of what she wants/thinks is completely unknown to you, and may be far different from what you'd like to believe. That said, there can be very good reasons for self-denial like this.... What's yours?

She is dealing with a lot of guilt for it - i know that.

You know what? They seem to get over it pretty fast.... Funny how another dude in the picture can slap a bandaid over a lot of hurt... I know full well my W spent the first 3 days away in her parents house, in bed, bawling her eyes out. She sure as hell wasn't crying over any hurt caused to me, though...

So the hurt must be pretty damn bad. I did a lot of damage.

Or, she allowed her own self-hurt, and old hurts to come out and used the small-medium hurt you inflicted to become the cause of all of it. And of course, she chose not to let you in on any of it. So allowed the damage to happen.

Unconditional love Ian.

And the cost to you will end up being?

Indifference. That's what must be the target here. She is the master of her fate and the captain of her soul. She alone is responsible for her actions, from here on out. You have to treat her as the mother of your kids; civil. Not as friends. Not lovingly.

People who love each other don't do what she has done to you. Neither do people who are friends.

But in both those cases, those same people do get angry at the other person and yell.

Getting angry and resentful does me NO good.

au contraire, mon frere.

Getting angry/resentful does a world of good. Staying angry/resentful, however, does not.

Remember this, anger is a reasonable response to injustice and/or wrongdoing. Not letting go of anger is the unhealthy part.

I think rising above all of this and reacting with love instead of anger is a wonderful lesson for my kids.

Not if they learn it's not OK to be angry.

Not if they think it's acceptable to be a doormat when injustice is perpetrated.

You may intend a noble lesson, but who's to say how they'll receive it? Believe me, I would be a rich man if I had $1 for each lesson my Dad gave me where I actually took away the opposite of what he intended...

But I don't need to hold them over her head either. Just as I would hope that she wouldn't hold my past mistakes over my head. I don't see how doing that helps either of us.

Forgive the person, not the act.

my anger and my behavior was also MY CHOICE.

And you will forgive yourself for your choice, when exactly? I think you have, but sometimes I'm not so sure...

Not my problem. I will still treat her with love because that is how I want to treat her.

Indifference. Maybe love isn't the word you want? How about like?

I understand where you're coming from in all of this, I do. Go back and reread my own words from a few weeks ago. How I couldn't imagine not loving my XW, yada, yada, yada.

But one day I asked myself, why is she WORTH loving anymore? Why should I love someone who doesn't love me right back? There's no basis for love there. Only dependency, or martyrdom or????

I'm not going to try and control her and tell her what she is doing wrong.

And maybe, from her POV, it isn't even wrong at all. Morally bankrupt? Certainly. But it may well be the exact right choice for her, no matter how much we'd like to believe otherwise.

You can't run away from yourself.

No, and she may or may not discover this truth for herself. As I've been telling someone offline... you can lead the horse, but...

Because I know I don't need her shoving my nose in poor choices.

You don't seem to need anyone else to do that one for you, do you? Takes one to know one.

I would want to answer that behavior with love.

Well, I guess everyone has their own line to cross before becoming a spineless doormat. But, as a former spineless doormat, I'd simply say that we are our own worst judges of when we're engaging in spineless doormat-ness.

Honestly? Not much. But it will not get any better if I treat her with anger and resentment.

I didn't realize that complete, unconditional love vs. anger/resentment were the only options here. Are they?

Take care, and if need be, we can continue this live or offline; just remember I'll be dreaming about the skyrockets....