H kinda came outta the dark, but he's gone again

[Ophelia]

I used to have a thread over on Infidelity, but haven't posted for a little while, so am gonna start a new thread in here, if you all will have me.

Recap of my sitch:
Me: 29
H: 29
Together: 10 years
Married: 5 years
No kids
H left Oct 3 '06.
Told me he'd started seeing someone new: Jan 19th '07.
I lost it completely when he told me, (which he did via an email, which had otherwise been friendly, and he signed it off "Have a good weekend" after dropping OW bomb, then wouldn't take any of my calls which just made me angrier), and after that he told one of our mutual friends, (one of his workmates, who was best man at our wedding) that he never wanted any contact with me ever again.

Not long after that, I started getting letters from his lawyer about a Property Settlement, (he can't file for D until we've been separated for 12 months, so this is the most he can do for now). That is at the stage now where I have the forms to sign, but I haven't signed them yet, and I've had them for probably a couple of months now.

The forms from his lawyer is really the only contact we'd had, if you can even call it that, since the end of January. We haven't seen each other or spoken since Christmas Eve last year, (I miss him like crazy!!!).

On May 8th, I got an email from him. Very brief, only a couple of sentences. His parents, (who I still see once a month or so) had been at my place for a visit a couple of days previously and I'd told them about some health issues my dad had been having. The email from H just said that his mum had told him about it and he hoped my dad was OK. He also made a brief comment about a TV show we both watch, and that was it.

I replied, all friendly and casual and stuff. Then I didn't expect a reply, so nearly fell off my chair when I actually got one! And it was several paragraphs long, no less!

He did make brief mention of the legal forms. Basically said that he wasn't trying to rush me, he just wanted to know if there was anything in particular that was holding it up. I said that I'd sign the forms, "when I'm good and ready", but the rest of my reply was perfectly friendly.

I got yet another reply, which was once again friendly, and he made no further mention of the forms.

The email exchange continued over the following weeks, and one of the subjects we ended up on was his trip to Africa. He can't really afford it, but he set himself the goal to climb Kilimanjaro by his 30th birthday, (which will be Oct 31st), so he's going even though it'll just heap more debt onto what he's already got. After talking a bit about his trip, he added:

In saying that, it would kinda be useful to know how I am financially for that, so although given everything going on at the moment I don't want to push you, it would help planning if I had an idea when I need to pay everything up that I need to the lawyers.

My response to that particular part of his email was:
As for paying up for the legal junk, I honestly can't give you an actual date when the forms will be signed by. That being said, it's not like there's some urgent deadline on it, as property settlements can be filed for up to 12 months after a divorce is final. On the other hand, paying for your Africa trip, (and your gym membership to get ready for the Africa trip) DOES have a deadline on it. So it'd make practical sense for you to focus on paying for that stuff now,and worry about the legal crap later. Don't worry, I won't spring it on you unexpectedly and demand my 2.5 grand STAT when I already know you've got other big payments to make.

I sent that one last Friday, and am yet to receive any kind of response. Was I too blunt, do you think? Have I scared him off again?

I wasn't expecting too much from this ongoing, friendly exchange of emails that had been playing out over the last several weeks. My brother plays on the same recreational football team as H, so I know that he made mention of OW just last week, so I know they're still together, (as far as he, and his buddies - who used to also be my friends BTW, so it pisses me off to no end that they've just dropped me and are probably best buddies with OW now - are concerned, he's in a perfectly healthy R with OW and has just "moved on with his life"). To be honest, I'm currently obsessing that something horrible is gonna happen like her ending up pregnant, but I try not to think about it too much.

Anyway, even though I didn't expect much to result from the emails, I'm finding myself disappointed that they seem to have stopped, and I'm beating myself up a bit over having been too blunt in my reply. I didn't want to piss him off, but maybe referring to the legal stuff as "crap" and "junk" and making reference to not springing it on him outta the blue, (which was kinda snide, I admit...I included that bit because he did spring the Property Settlement on me outta the blue, not to mention his OW bomb), has pissed him off, so now he's decided he doesn't wanna be friends anymore...again.

[lost-n-found]

Ophelia,

Sorry you have found yourself here.... but this is a good place to be, under the circumstances. There are lots of wise people here that can give you good advice and lots of support.

In response to your post..... don't beat yourself up....
It sounds like he got an answer to his question.... he doesn't have to worry about paying the L, so he's now off to plan his adventure and not worry about the $ crunch. You're being far kinder than I'd be able to be.

Hang in there and PRAY!

[Ophelia]

Oh man, sometimes I go through periods where I'm prayin' pretty much 24/7. Prayin' when I go to sleep. Prayin' when I wake up. Prayin' whenever the thought of H (and/or OW) enters my head. Prayin' when I'm not even specifically thinking about H (or OW) but just feeling like crud.

In response to your post..... don't beat yourself up....
It sounds like he got an answer to his question.... he doesn't have to worry about paying the L, so he's now off to plan his adventure and not worry about the $ crunch.

You're probably right, but I wish that if that were the case he would have at least sent a quick reply to tell me that. It's funny actually, one of things he prides himself on these days is that his "new improved" self is now able to tell people exactly what he's thinking, instead of trying to be diplomatic in an attempt to not get people offside. He mentioned at our last C session, (back in Nov) that he can be up front with everyone else, but he still can't do it with me. Maybe in some twisted way it's a good sign that he still cares enough that he can't bring himself to hurt me to my face. He just does it from a distance instead.

You're being far kinder than I'd be able to be.

The version I wanted to send him was more along the lines of:

You were already in debt, and were well aware you were gonna be in even MORE debt over your impending trip to Africa, but YOU still made the decision to get a lawyer involved, resulting in legal fees on top of everything else, so you can cry me a damned river over not knowing how you're gonna pay for it!

*ahem* That wouldn't be very productive DBing though, would it?

[Ophelia]

Very brief update....

Finally got a reply from H on Mon and it began...

Sorry it took a while to reply. Came down with gastro last week. Very pleasant experience...not!

I couldn't help but LOL. What's that they say about not assuming anything? Here I was convinced he'd gone back to ignoring my existence, but it turns out he was actually sick as a dog.

Anyway, he made no further mention of my signing the legal forms or of his paying legal fees. One thing I'd asked him in the last email is if he could get our M certificate back to me, because I gave it to him some time ago so his lawyer could make an official copy. In his reply, he said he'd get it back to me ASAP.

There was also some other friendly chit chat stuff in his reply, so excuse me whilst I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

[mkultra]

OPHelia, I am sorry to hear of your worries but I am proud that you are handling them so well. I found your letter to be to the point and light, not blunt. It was classy and supportive with a hint of hope, and I liked that. You sent him the message that you do not judge the way he spends his money and time, but that you are also not moving forward toward Divorce-ville. In regards o worrying about the OW, we all need to stop doing that since that is out of our control and there is no competition. I look at the whole Team Aniston and Team Angelina thing and I do see the OW getting pregnant a lot in the media and that is a concern but we have to focus on ourselves. It sounds like your lives are still very intertwined because of the in laws and you get to hear too many details. I think that about my life too, but hey it goes both ways, so live it up and be a good girl and he will hear about that too. You are a treasure and do not forget it.

[Ophelia]

Thanks for the encouraging post, mkultra.

I got to see one of my SIL on the weekend. I haven't seen any of my BIL, SIL, nieces or nephews since before Christmas, so it was great to catch up with one of them, (though there are still many more, as it's quite a large family). I was out with MIL and FIL and we were near where SIL lives and they'd been wanting to go and meet her new puppy, so I got to go along for the visit as well. When we were leaving, she was holding Phoebe (her puppy) and waving her little paw, saying "Goodbye grandad, goodbye grandma, goodbye Aunty Jo." It's kinda tragic how happy it made me to still be considered "Aunty" to her little canine baby.

H mentioned the lawyer again in his latest email:

I asked the lawyer to email the certificate back to you. Did you get it? They're getting a bit impatient as to what's happening with the consent orders as well. They really just want to know if you're going to agree to them. Every time they ask me about it on the phone or by letter they're charging me more money too :P And from my perspective I'd like to have it sorted before I go to Africa.

First of all, I'm hoping he just made a mistake and actually asked them to mail me the M certificate, because emailing it to me isn't gonna get the original back in my hands, is it? Either way, I haven't gotten it. I'm tempted to call the L and tell them I'm coming to pick it up in person.

Secondly, I'm once again *this close* to getting nasty with my reply by saying something about how it was his own stupid idea to get a L involved, so I don't care if they're charging him constantly.

One thing I'm wondering is that perhaps my friendly nature in the emails has led him to believe that I'm no longer standing for our M. Maybe he thinks I'm over it. I always do my best to be upbeat whenever I'm around my ILs or mutual friends, (the few who still have anything to do with me), and I haven't asked anyone about H in ages.

I want him to know that I am still standing for our M, but if I make an obvious point about that, then maybe this friendly email interaction will come to a screeching halt and it'll just be a massive setback.

My brain is telling me to just keep biding my time, but my heart wants to reply to that email saying something like:
"Signing those legal forms is much more to me than just writing my name on a bunch of pieces of paper. I still consider you to be my H, and I your W, and I still very much hope and believe that we can make our M work at some point in the future, despite the fact that you already believe you're done and moved on. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of a L being involved in our R like this, and I honestly want nothing to do with it. So no, I won't be signing the damn forms, so you may as well just pay up your L to get them off your back."

*groan* I just don't know what to say. I want him to know that the option to reconcile is still there, but at the same time I don't want to scare him away. If there's anyone reading this who has some advice as to how I should reply to this latest email, (which I'll be doing by Friday at the latest), I'd love to hear it!

In regards o worrying about the OW, we all need to stop doing that since that is out of our control and there is no competition. I look at the whole Team Aniston and Team Angelina thing and I do see the OW getting pregnant a lot in the media and that is a concern but we have to focus on ourselves.

I try telling myself that whenever I start obsessing over H with OW: "You can't control it so just forget about it!" That's a whole lot easier said than done though.

[mkultra]

Tell me about it! My H cannot confirm or deny if there is OW, so sometimes I obsess over the stupidest triggers! Today his car was covered in bird crap and since there are no trees over our driveway I assumed there must be a tree at the OW driveway! How dumb is that? I picture him with an OW and I do not even know if one exists. I do not even think I can deal with the Infidelity space, I like it better here in limbo. There is at least a glimmer of hope, but things are falling apart all over the place. Are you comfortable with the emails? Would you prefer making eye contact or hearing him on the phone?

[Ophelia]

Are you comfortable with the emails? Would you prefer making eye contact or hearing him on the phone?

I haven't seen him or spoken to him in 6 long months. Doesn't that sound completely absurd?! I think I'd be so in shock if I got a phonecall, or if I saw him, that I'd just be struck dumb. I would pretty much kill for that kind of contact though. Mind you, on the other hand, if we spoke in person, even once, then the emails may end because the whole flow of the conversation we've got going would have been mucked up, so mabybe I don't want to see or speak to him again afterall. I dunno.

You know, I haven't changed the message on our answering machine, because it's his voice, so I'm clinging to it in case it gets to the point where I don't remember what he sounds like anymore, so that I'll be able to call my home number and hear his voice again. How tragic is that?

Speaking of the answering machine, someone called and left a message for him today. The receptionist at the podiatrist's office, confirming his appointment for 3pm tomorrow. Guess he forgot to tell them not to try calling him here when he made the appointment.

I still haven't replied to his last email. I still don't know what I'm gonna say about the legal forms crap.

[mkultra]

Ugh, I had to tell a bill collector that my H does not live at this number any more. I sthe whole world conspiring to trigger me? Just kidding. I want you to keep up improving your life even if no one is there to watch. It will cause a chain effect.

[Ophelia]

Well I finally got around to replying to H's last email Friday before last. Because it had been a few weeks between his last email and my reply, I actually started it by apologising for not having replied earlier, but said I just hadn't felt up to it, then added that I hadn't felt up to much of anything of late, then went on a little bit about how I figured my sleeping patterns were contributing to my depression....yep, I actually used that word. Maybe I shouldn't have, because we all know that depressed and/or needy isn't attractive, but I felt like being honest.

I talked about some other stuff, then at the end, addressed the topic of our M certificate and how his L still hadn't sent it back to me. I said that I'd actually contemplated going to their offices and demanding it back in person, (they should have sent it back to me weeks, if not months ago), but confessed that I knew that if I did that, I'd just end up ripping a new one for whoever ended up having to deal with me.

I also said that I was sorry that his L kept sending him letters about whether or not I was gonna sign the property settlement papers, and charging him each time they did, but pointed out that it was HIM who had thought it necessary to get a legal document saying he gets to keep the pool table while I get to keep everything else. I pointed out that it was HIM who decided to heap legal fees on top of his already existing debt.

After I'd sent the email, I thought maybe I shouldn't have, because I did come across as both depressed and angry, but by then it was done.

So today, I got the M certificate back in the mail! It came with a letter, requesting that I sign and return the property settlement papers within 14 days, (up until now they hadn't put a time limit on it). So I sent H another email:

Just letting you know that I finally got our marriage certificate back today.

The forms will get signed. Not because it's something I want to do, or feel prepared to do, but for whatever reason it's apparently something you need done, and I don't want to just be remembered as a thorn in your side. We both deserve better than that.

I've enjoyed hearing from you again, even though my cynical side is now wondering if you just kept it up so you could keep sussing me out regarding the lagal crap. I don't want to think that way, but after everything that's happened, I guess I just have to wonder. Sorry if my blabbing on in my last email was a bit much. I do hope we can stay in contact somehow. I'd love to hear about Africa and Kilimanjaro and see your photos when you get back. I remember when you first said you wanted to do it, and I thought it sounded a bit crazy, because no one I've ever known has ever done something that huge. I'm proud of you for being determined to do it, and like I said, I'd very much like to hear about it when you get back.

Ez said the other week that you didn't play Oztag because you'd injured your knee. Hope it wasn't too serious and is on the mend.

Have a good rest of the week.


(Ez is my brother BTW...nickname, not his real name. And he and H play on the same Oztag team, which is a form of football.)

I dunno if that email was good DBing or bad DBing, or maybe a little bit of both. All I know is that I felt that it needed to be said, and a glass or two of wine gave me the guts to say it, so we'll see what kind of a response, if any, I end up getting.