Thank you all, so, so much. It got to the point where I just didn't know what to do with myself last night; pacing, agitated, even the crying was strange. It kind of reminded me of my initial reaction to hearing about my Dad's sudden death...but felt even more intense, and I had no one to hold onto (where in Dad's case, there was a room full of people to cling to, including H and my Mom).

So, I tried to see if my in-laws were up. Nope. I didn't want to wake the kids (I will NOT use them to comfort me when I am like this--WAY too scary!).

I ended up downstairs. H was asleep on his make-shift bed on the floor. I curled up on the couch near him and fell asleep.

Sometime in the overnight, my S came down and said he was hearing some strange noise in his room. Half-asleep, I went up and tucked him back into bed, then went to my own bed. I just got up.

I was really afraid that I was having a nervous breakdown last night. And afraid to share that with H or in-laws...afraid that if I was, that it could impact custody...started having that feeling that the kids could be taken from me, which made me even more upset (for lack of a better word).

But I'm together today. Woke up thinking that I may go along with H's idea. Boundaries, for sure. But what is really important to me?

Keeping the family together. Even through all of this mess, we are very good parents. The kids are not exposed to arguing, violence or yelling. I think my acceptance will lower the tensions between us. We can keep the financial stability that we worked so hard to achieve and have only felt for the last few years.

More importantly, we can work on our communication skills. It is something that we obviously have to do if we are to remain in the same house, committed to the family (if not to each other). And, who knows? Maybe we will be working on a new R/M that way. I know that we have a deep friendship. I really don't want to loose him from my life.

I guess I feel...addicted? to him. I sincerely cannot think of what life would be like without him. I don't know if I could live without him (so many songs sing that so flippantly; but the way I felt last night was so intense, so painful...)

I need him. I am not as strong as I thought. It's not a proud moment to admit this. But he still cares for me. He would be there to hold me when I needed that. I could still touch him, if not sexually. We would be able to take care of each other and raise our children. And, if we learn anything through all of this, maybe love will grow again.

It could be that this is what is needed for him to make the idea his own. Give him time to heal his heart, learn to trust again.

And it can give me more time to adjust to a world so different than the one I knew for so long. Going cold turkey...I was wishing for a coma last night.

I'm not doing anything about this right away (48 hour rule). But I don't know if I could make it through another of those things like last night. I know you were all here for me in those dark hours, but there was no one to hold me. I seem to really, really need that.

I don't know how single people live. Being alone...I don't think I can be alone.

I know that staying in a R where he doesn't love me is not much better (maybe it is even worse? I don't know).