Since her surgery she has had a problem with overly sensitive breasts....
...When I suggest that these issues may be physical she counters with the fact that she kept her ovaries and she should still be maintaining hormonal balances. Of course, she won't go get it checked out.
Regarding the breast sensitivity, it seems obvious something has "changed" as a result of the surgery -- even though she kept her ovaries. Maybe the breast sensitivity is to be expected, even when the ovaries are kept; maybe not. Maybe there is a simple treatment; maybe not. If it were me, I'd probably take the approach: "You're not a doctor, so quit making your own diagnoses. Something HAS changed, and you need to find out if it is something serious. If you don't like the doc you've got, find another one that is more sensitive and one you can openly talk to."
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
To make matters worse, she has always been (with occasional, wonderful exceptions) overly reserved about what is and is not pleasurable in bed so it is difficult to try to work around these constraints....
Is sex for her uncomfortable now? Are things that used to be pleasurable causing her no pleasure, or the opposite of pleasure?
I think in my situation, I underestimated how important a factor the discomfort/lack-of-pleasure was to her interest and how her body "performed". I must have been an idiot to not latch on to that issue.
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
...I think she thinks it is "wrong" and if she starts to like it too much she will pull me away with an almost panicked reaction like she is afraid she might O and that it would be "icky".
You "think she thinks" sounds like you should talk to each other.
Can you ask her what she is feeling/experiencing/worrying about when she pulls you away?
Can you explain to her why it is that you don't want her to pull you away, and what it is that you feel when you do what you do there, why you want to do it, and why you want her to be receptive to this act of love from you? Can you ask her if there are any terms under which she would be willing to let you continue for a longer time, at least occasionally, since it is so important to you?
Quote:
I am getting tired of feeling like I am having sex in a mine field.
I've been in that sort of mine field, and can sympathize with you.
Originally Posted By: Baltoman
I cannot get her to understand that while it is her body, it is affecting our marriage. She says she enjoys sex. That while she doesn't O that it is "fine". Wow, nothing like being damned with faint praise to bolster the old ego. I even tried to get her to understand how incredibly depressing it is for me to contemplate the idea that at the age of 44 I may never experience a female having an orgasm again. Nothing seems to matter.
Here's what I think. You need to find a way, for now at least, to not take this all so personally. She's been through a lot. Her body has been through a lot. Whether she has an orgasm or not is probably less a reflection of "you" or "your performance" than it ever has been. There are bigger factors at work.
Try to enjoy what she is giving you, and try to appreciate that many women wouldn't bother to give you so much under the circumstances. She must love you and care about your needs to a significant extent to be willing to give you pleasure, even if it isn't exactly what you want.
I think it's easy for many people to underestimate the emotional wants and needs connected to the physical act for men (at least for the sorts of men that end up around here). It seems likely that she does not understand at all the pain you feel. From what I've read on this board, and from my own experience, it's important to help her "get it" -- a clear understanding of what's going on inside you. But, there's probably a balancing act involved. If you mention it too much in the wrong way, then she'll become less likely to ever understand. Yet, if you don't have clear-enough discussions where she can see and feel your angst, then she might not ever "get" it either.
