NikkiB #17

[NikB]

Thanks ST!

He is still pretty miserable tonight. He doesn't get sick all that often but when he does it REALLY knocks him out. Still hoping I don't get it but my throat's getting sore.. <sigh>.. fingers crossed though.

Had a great day today, though (other than feeling bad for H being sick). Good stuff both for me and good R/M signs. For me - my goal was to pick 2 meetups to go to by Friday... not necessarily go by then, but pick 2. Well, tomorrow night there's a Harness racing one that looks pretty fun (not actual racing, just hanging out and watching). I'm tentative on that one, but for sure will go to a Happy Hour/Dancing one on Friday night before that birthday party where PW may show up... hopefully that'll help get my confidence up! AND I found a dinner out one and a "drive in movie night" one in July that I also signed up for. Top that off with a dinner/BBQ invite from a new friend.. and suddenly my calendar is looking quite full again. Yay!!

I told H I had some plans coming up and "I put everything on the calendar" - kind of a 180 for me. I used to always ask him to write his stuff down but his plans always came first - mine were "well yeah I planned this, unless you think of something else..." So... I have plans, they are on the calendar, and I'm looking forward to them. H seemed pretty excited for me too (in spite of being so sick).

Some good signs from H too. A little background - about the last month or so his mood seemed to turn downhill again, and he's just been so distant. No "winks" or looks much, stopped asking me to do things like the bike rides (and made reasons not to go if I suggested it)... things like that. Also, he's been weird about asking me for things - like he won't put milk on the grocery list because he feels like he's putting me out asking me to get milk (yes, he said this). He did ask for my help listing some stuff on eBay but you could tell he didn't want to ask, and right after he did he said "But only if you want, I don't want you to do anything for me unless it's fun for you." And we always used to eat dinner together but all of last year was just off - he'd come home really late and have already eaten, invite me to go eat with him at PW's house (or invite her to ours for dinner without asking me first)... late last year I flipped out and said I wasn't cooking him dinner anymore, period, and he was on his own.

Ok so background out of the way, here are all the R/M positives from tonight:

- I called to see how he was feeling and he was nice about it, thanked me for calling, AND asked me to stop at the store and get some cold meds.

- THEN.. asked if he needed anything else and he said "Well.. maybe, what's for dinner? Do we have dinner food?" He hasn't asked about dinner in at least 8 months...probably closer to a year. WOW!!

- When I got home he was backing out of the driveway to return some movies, but pulled back in as I drove up. He looked like he felt awful from his cold but he STILL winked at me - then told me where he was going and he'd be right back.

- Said he was sad that he felt so bad, because it was a beautiful day for a bike ride together. Also said we'll have to go soon, when he feels better.

- I made tacos for dinner and he really complimented me, and thanked me for it.

- H went to bed clearly drugged up on Nyquil - but STILL made it a point to reach out to me for a hug.

He was only awake for maybe 1.5 hours that I was even home, but it was really nice. Hope he feels better tomorrow though, sucks being sick!

Oh.. and one other thing I forgot to mention/journal about the party that happened last weekend. We did talk about a "code word" if I wanted to leave. I tried to phrase it as suggested here (good ideas!) but he saw right through it and said "You mean if [PW name] shows up right?" I said "Not necessarily, just if either of us wants to leave for any reason." H said "Well I've talked to her several times and hinted about the party but she hasn't mentioned it so I don't think she's going." OUCH.. the "talked to her several times" hurt. I told H "Either way, I'm fine. But just so you know I'd rather run into her unexpectedly than have you talking to her about her plans all the time." (or something like that). H said kinda darkly "I know." I started to go into that more but realized yes, he DOES know, and there's really no need to repeat it again - so rather than get sucked in to the same ol' endless convo I said playfully "So, what should we use as our code word?" and came up with something totally goofy. We ended up both laughing over it.

So I thought that was good - still got my thoughts and feelings out there but without it turning into the same useless conversation. And we have our code word too. Still hope she doesn't show up though.