I swear to god, guys dig women that jump out of planes! Trust me,do that, OW doesn't have a chance! Plus you will not give 2 Sh*** , about what anyone thinks of you ever again. Face it, "I have a 15 handicap," can't compete with "I did a 10,000 foot free fall!" Get your Jump on!
You've always done horses. Fine. What new spices can we add to the mix, then?
Part of doing something new/challenging is that, not only does it help you NOT fixate on the OW, but it helps bring out untapped talents, capabilties and resources within yourself. It builds your self-esteem, power and attractiveness.
Remember -- if you return to the same routines, the same dynamics in your marriage will exist. These dynamics led to the affair.
Try to view the affair as gift. It's, as we Americans say, "A wake up call" not only for your marriage, but for your life.
I want to see you take care of yourself. Retreating and being the frightened, hurt, shamed "nice" Saffie is not really taking care of yourself. It's playing the victim.
People love to take advantage of "nice" people. I am a nice guy. I work hard, support my family, love my children, love my wife, have served as a leader in the church. Somehwere I lost my passion, my fire, my warrior spirit, and, perhaps, my manhood.
Who did my wife choose to have an affair with? A rebel. A romantic, passionate rogue -- the kind of guy who ruins young damsels in Dickens novels.
Be kind, be radiant, be different. But please, don't be nice.
Thanks for all you comments guys. I have ordered all the books everyone has recommended and am awaiting their arrival. Unfortunately I am still on a real low and last night told H that I can't live in this state of anxiety. I feel that I am not functioning properly. I know I should get out and occupy myself more but finding the energy is so hard. I decided to set a review time in a months time and if things are still as bad then I am going to have to take action. I feel at the moment that I am probably erring on the side of leaving but need time to pull myself together and get the strength to do it. I love my H but I need to stop the pain.
Has anyone evr contacted the OW/OH and felt better for it? Have they got any answers or is it always counter productive. I know she no longer features in my H life but she LIVES and PARTIES in my brain and gives me no PEACE. Advice please..../.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
1. It's normal for you to be in a tailspin. Depression, Post-traumatic stress and actue anxiety are common when you discover and affair. Do not make decisions while still in this state. Even with strong drugs, it will take you about 3-6 months to stabilze. It took me 4 months. It's normal. It will take you this amount of time whether you stay with your husband or not. I did it without drugs. The feelings follow a cycle of sorts: fear, anxiety, anger, denial, bargaining. Be prepared.
2. DO NOT make any decisions about your marriage while you are in this state.
3. You need to stop the pain. However, the reason people have affairs and leave their marriages is because they want to "stop the pain." The only way out of this is through it. Lean into the pain. Don't run away.
4. I implore you. Start excercizing regularly if you have not already done so before. The body produces endorphins when you exercize. It's nature's anti-depressant.
5. I implore you. Take up a physical hobby that consumes your attention. Open up your telephone directory and find a karate school and start taking classes. Trust me on this one. The first and easiest form of self-mastery/self-control is physical. Stop living in your mind. Live in and through your body for a while. Karate is a physical/mental/spiritual discipline. It will strengthen all parts of you. Control of your body is a step towards controlling your renegade thoughts.
6. Stop and take stock. Your husband had ended it with the OW. Logically, your anxiety should stop. Things are not deteriorating. Your worst fears (the destruction of your marriage and family) will not happen.
7. Running away/leaving him, will push him towards the OW. It will prove to both of them you are the frightened, shrinking, violet that deserves to be abused. I'm sorry, but this often the case. This woman is ruthless and wants to take your children from you. Are you going to hand them to her?
8. Think of your children. They need you. You need to take care of yourself RIGHT NOW, for their sake as well as yours. I don't think running away will help.
9. If you need time to yourself. Take a long weekend, or arrange for a week's vacation to sort out your thoughts. Don't spend it brooding on the OW or you'll come back worse. Take a wildnerness/walking vacation. Isn't the Lake District lovely for a walking vacation?
10. Do not speak to or confront the OW. It never helps. It shows your fear and desperation. The OM in my wife's life was by best friend. I spoke to him 3 times about this when it was only an "emotional affair." Do you know what? He lied to me and assured me he would never puruse a romantic relationship with my wife. He then became my wife's lover for 8 months. He could smell the fear in me. The fear feeds their sense of power over you. Ruthless people absorb our fear as it it were an elxir -- it strengthens their resolve to harm you. It NEVER helps to talk to the OW. The only time you speak to her is if she approaches you to ask for your forgiveness.
Theoden is right. You said something earlier about being on medication. Are you still on medication, or are you perhaps going through withdrawal from the medication?
Are you talking to your H about your feelings at all? He should know how you are feeling, and he should be trying to comfort and reassure you. If you are hiding all this, you need to stop doing that. You are having destructive thoughts. You need to focus on doing constructive things.
There are many physical exercise classes you could take if Karate is not for you. Ballet or another form of dance is good, and it gives you music to listen to while you focus on the physical. In America, pilates is very popular. The benefit is that your body starts looking better in addition to the rest from obsessive thoughts in your mind.
How can leaving help? The problem at this point is in your mind, and you take that everywhere you go! No, you must stay and build your life where you are.
As for contact the other woman. I didn't do it personally, but I gave my 23 year old son the phone number, and he did it. He called her early in the morning and told her he knew about the affair, and she'd better stop because he couldn't be trusted not to stop her himself! She called my H immediately and broke up with him. I still laugh every time I think of that.
My son is a pain to live with, so I figured if she wanted my position, she ought to get to know him. There are few things that he has done that have made me as proud of him.
Yes, Theo, even alcoholics with anger management issues have their good points! Nice to have one in my arsenal. It made me feel so good when my boys plotted to ruin the lovers' lives if they moved in together. And they can do it!
Wow Sara can I adopt your son? I wish i had children who were old enough to help me out like that. I am sure my oldest D10 if hse were old enough would do something of that sort.
