Tiny Ray of Light...Pt III

[NMHurting]

So another twist of weirdness entered tonight.

I have been dreaming for the last 15years of a certain type of job. A police dispatcher. Don't ask why, it's just my thing. I haven't attempted to catch that dream here where I live because they pay for crap. Well an old friend from my home town tracked me down and phoned me. We talked for about and hour to catch up on what's been going on in our lives. You think we had it bad? His WAS picked up and moved to Saudi Arabia with another man. Anyway...he was a police officer when we were buddies. We used to train K9's and had a great time together. When I moved away we kind of lost touch and he found me through some other mutual friends.

Then the shoe dropped...he offered me a job. He now is in charge of the dispatch center and has to fill 6 openings within the month. My dream job..pops up. The problem...it puts me 100miles away from my W and my kids.

So horse lesson went on tonight. She told me about her depression and she told me how she blew up at her mom. Her mom has blamed me for years of mentally abusing my W. I did a lot of the things Jazz has owned up to. Except I internalized it all. I didn't realize that when I was internalizing it all that I was killing my W and kids too. Anyway...my W blew up at MIL and told her that she was twice as bad as I ever was with the sort of abuse. She started to cry.

I listened, then I accepted and apologized for my behavior that was similar. I explained how dealing with my own abandonment issues caused me to clam up, how at the time I didn't realize I was impacting anybody but myself. She let me hold her hand as I told her how hard I'm trying to work through these in therapy...and just admitting that I have the issue makes it a little better. She said that she knows that I've been better, but there is a long way to go.

I then told her about the job offer. For the first time that I can remember I think I saw a little bit of fright in her face. I explained that it paid about the same as I'm making now, but it would separate us further. I also told her that I didn't think that much distance was going to help fix us. She agreed, but said she didn't know if she wanted me to give up my dream. I asked her to chew on it, and we'd talk about it more later. She agreed. I then looked her straight in the eye and told her I would give up my dream job for my real dream...to have my family back together. Without even thinking about it I dropped the "ILY"...it just slipped. She looked at me and said "I know.." Conversation to be continued tomorrow.

Amy, Jazz, JR, 789, UA, etc...pick up the 2x4's...I need them right now.