" When H and I first Reconciled there was no way to set boudaries for me he was still too .... Dunno the word for it. But little by little he has been more receptive. "
Hmmm... I'd disagree with this. You should never lead your life without enforcing the boundaries that work for you. Doing so constitutes the crazy eggshell walking that drives everyone crazy.
Nikki, when I read this:
.... that without saying "You are having a bad day" - ...
I realized just how dismissive that sounds. It is pretty much the equivalent of H responding to your crabbiness with "You must be PMSing..."
Doing so constitutes the crazy eggshell walking that drives everyone crazy.
OK I must be truly feeling better.. because the first thing that popped into my head when I read this was "What's that?? I can't hear you over all the crunching."
(I hope that translates to the web, it made me laugh)
I'd never even thought of that either with the "having a bad day" thing, but you're right.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
okay, when I start thinking I'm keeping up, everyone goes post crazy!
before I forget, and it's possible someone already mentioned....
When H said "I am not good". That didn't mean he didn't feel good. I'm 99% sure he meant, I'm not a good person.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm sorry that you feel so negatively about yourself. But when I give a compliment to you, I'm saying it sincerely and I don't appreciate you rejecting it so harshly. If you could instead let me know that your not in a good mood or you would like to be left alone, and I will give you your space.
Definitely remember though, whenever giving a boundary, make sure you can deal with it.
For example, if you DID by chance say the above, you better make sure you don't take anything personal if he says "I'm not in the mood right now", or "I'd rather be alone now".
Or what would you rather him do? I'm not sure I'd like those phrases either!
There's probably something better he could say though, but I can't think of anything right now.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
OK I must be truly feeling better.. because the first thing that popped into my head when I read this was "What's that?? I can't hear you over all the crunching."
The eggshell crunching thing yeah that was funny Nikki... Very funny actually. I am so gald you are feeling better,, it is so good to laugh. I was reading a post Theo posted in INF/A forum and I was laughning so hard yesterday,, it was great. I guess it came off to literal when I said I could not set boundaries. I did set some very clear ones, ( especially re OW sitch ) but I guess I was trying to say that for me my Husband seemed to waaaay needy/too much of an "alien" to push too,too much. But I was at a loss for words.That does not mean your H is the same, he may very well be ready for this. I know you will get thru this. And NO!!!!! that is no way to live at all. OT is right... I do believe setting boundaries is very , very important and I wish you all the best in your R. You will do very well you are so open to change and have a FANTASTIC PERSONALITY. Take care and God bless....
"I did set some very clear ones, ( especially re OW sitch ) but I guess I was trying to say that for me my Husband seemed to waaaay needy/too much of an "alien" to push too,too much. "
Nothing wrong with setting your boundaries in one place for awhile for your own reasons and then moving them later. The important thing is not so much WHERE the boundaries are, but that they are YOUR boundaries, they work for YOU, and YOU enforce them.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I agree - I think he means "I'm not a good person" (based on things like tone, wording, mood at the times when he says it). I have a hard time validating that because I disagree, but obviously responding with "What are you talking about? You're a great person!" - not so effective. I like the way you validated it but still got that boundary in there.
And excellent reminder that I need to not take it personally if he says that. I am bad about that, and it's something I need to work on. He told the MC once that I'd "get uptight" when he tried to talk to me about things so it was easier to just not talk to me. I agreed then to work on being easier to talk to if he'd work on talking to me more (of course, next session was the S bomb... but still, it was something we at least acknowledged needing to work on back then).
Thanks for the good wishes today! Having an ok day - nothing exciting but nothing bad, so I'll take it. Poor H has come down with some kind of really bad cold/flu bug so he's pretty miserable and slept all day. Hoping I can avoid catching it myself.
Ali Yes, it's great to laugh! I will have to look for Theo's post.
I think I knew what you meant on the boundaries - I have a whole list of stuff I'd like to work on or see different, but I can't just throw all those out there at once. It's about timing, taking it slow and working on what's important, I think. I wish I'd set more before he moved back home but... I didn't, so here we are and I do my best now.
Oldtimer I now you were replying to Ali but - thanks for the "moving boundary" reminder, it's a key one that I forget sometimes.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
hope H gets to feeling better. And definitely hope you don't get it!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
He is still pretty miserable tonight. He doesn't get sick all that often but when he does it REALLY knocks him out. Still hoping I don't get it but my throat's getting sore.. <sigh>.. fingers crossed though.
Had a great day today, though (other than feeling bad for H being sick). Good stuff both for me and good R/M signs. For me - my goal was to pick 2 meetups to go to by Friday... not necessarily go by then, but pick 2. Well, tomorrow night there's a Harness racing one that looks pretty fun (not actual racing, just hanging out and watching). I'm tentative on that one, but for sure will go to a Happy Hour/Dancing one on Friday night before that birthday party where PW may show up... hopefully that'll help get my confidence up! AND I found a dinner out one and a "drive in movie night" one in July that I also signed up for. Top that off with a dinner/BBQ invite from a new friend.. and suddenly my calendar is looking quite full again. Yay!!
I told H I had some plans coming up and "I put everything on the calendar" - kind of a 180 for me. I used to always ask him to write his stuff down but his plans always came first - mine were "well yeah I planned this, unless you think of something else..." So... I have plans, they are on the calendar, and I'm looking forward to them. H seemed pretty excited for me too (in spite of being so sick).
Some good signs from H too. A little background - about the last month or so his mood seemed to turn downhill again, and he's just been so distant. No "winks" or looks much, stopped asking me to do things like the bike rides (and made reasons not to go if I suggested it)... things like that. Also, he's been weird about asking me for things - like he won't put milk on the grocery list because he feels like he's putting me out asking me to get milk (yes, he said this). He did ask for my help listing some stuff on eBay but you could tell he didn't want to ask, and right after he did he said "But only if you want, I don't want you to do anything for me unless it's fun for you." And we always used to eat dinner together but all of last year was just off - he'd come home really late and have already eaten, invite me to go eat with him at PW's house (or invite her to ours for dinner without asking me first)... late last year I flipped out and said I wasn't cooking him dinner anymore, period, and he was on his own.
Ok so background out of the way, here are all the R/M positives from tonight:
- I called to see how he was feeling and he was nice about it, thanked me for calling, AND asked me to stop at the store and get some cold meds.
- THEN.. asked if he needed anything else and he said "Well.. maybe, what's for dinner? Do we have dinner food?" He hasn't asked about dinner in at least 8 months...probably closer to a year. WOW!!
- When I got home he was backing out of the driveway to return some movies, but pulled back in as I drove up. He looked like he felt awful from his cold but he STILL winked at me - then told me where he was going and he'd be right back.
- Said he was sad that he felt so bad, because it was a beautiful day for a bike ride together. Also said we'll have to go soon, when he feels better.
- I made tacos for dinner and he really complimented me, and thanked me for it.
- H went to bed clearly drugged up on Nyquil - but STILL made it a point to reach out to me for a hug.
He was only awake for maybe 1.5 hours that I was even home, but it was really nice. Hope he feels better tomorrow though, sucks being sick!
Oh.. and one other thing I forgot to mention/journal about the party that happened last weekend. We did talk about a "code word" if I wanted to leave. I tried to phrase it as suggested here (good ideas!) but he saw right through it and said "You mean if [PW name] shows up right?" I said "Not necessarily, just if either of us wants to leave for any reason." H said "Well I've talked to her several times and hinted about the party but she hasn't mentioned it so I don't think she's going." OUCH.. the "talked to her several times" hurt. I told H "Either way, I'm fine. But just so you know I'd rather run into her unexpectedly than have you talking to her about her plans all the time." (or something like that). H said kinda darkly "I know." I started to go into that more but realized yes, he DOES know, and there's really no need to repeat it again - so rather than get sucked in to the same ol' endless convo I said playfully "So, what should we use as our code word?" and came up with something totally goofy. We ended up both laughing over it.
So I thought that was good - still got my thoughts and feelings out there but without it turning into the same useless conversation. And we have our code word too. Still hope she doesn't show up though.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am so gald you are feeling better,, it is so good to laugh. 
I was reading a post Theo posted in INF/A forum and I was laughning so hard yesterday,, it was great.