Ok…well I had my vent session last night. I think tonight I talk about me and my mistakes. I think Dana inspired me to become more introspective.
I am a big part of the reason I am in the position I am. I took my W for granted. I took my M for granted. I took my vows for granted. I took my children for granted. I thought that a M was forever and I never really worked on keeping it whole. I was too focused on the other parts of life and didn’t focus on us. We had 3 kids in 2 ½ years and that was really, really hard. I couldn’t deal with it all. I became miserable. And that was ME…and although I didn’t understand it at the time…that was my choice. I chose to be like that. Nobody forced me to be like that. Was she giving me what I needed…no…but that was no excuse to act the way I did. I acted like a brat. Youngest child – right? Ugh.
My anger was a big part of it. I’ve learned a lot about myself and that helps control it..but I need to do more. I think I may have found a new C, need to give her a call. I need to make sure I can control it and that it doesn’t come back.
I yelled a lot…a real lot. I was just angry at the world. I didn’t pay enough attention to the little details in life…holidays, gifts, etc. I told her I wanted a date night. I knew I couldn’t focus on her in this house with three kids running around. I wanted alone time with her so that I could focus on her. But then I would blame her for not following through and setting it up. Well I should have done it if it was what I wanted. I could have controlled that but instead I played the victim.
I wish she could forgive me for this…but I just have to accept that she can’t. I have to accept that I did too much damage to ever fix this. The hurt is too deep. The scars are too big. She just can’t look at me with love again. And that sucks….but it is a situation I helped create with my choices. My mistakes.
The way I acted was undeserving of love and attention. Why would she have loved me? How could she have loved me?!?! I was being a jerk! I mean a serious jerk. How do you love a guy who is yelling and carrying on like I was? I was just so unhappy and I took it out on her and our kids.
Have I changed? Of course I have. Do I get it? I think so. Am I ready to love and be loved again, yes. Is it too late with her….apparently. And that just sucks but it is my cross to carry. Am I totally to blame? Of course not. But I have my fair share of it and now I just need to accept that it is too little too late.
At her heart she is a wonderful woman who just wanted to be loved. I screwed that up.
She texted me tonight. She had her final. Thought she failed out…but it looks like she made it by the hair of her chin. Thank God! Told her I was proud of her. I am. She has done an amazing job of getting through school with all that has gone on. She is a smart, determined woman. And any man would be lucky to have her. I was lucky to have her and I f’d it up. Well now the OM will be lucky to have her. I hope he can take better care of her than I did because she deserves it.
I now need to move on with my life with these lessons learned. Whoever the next woman in my life is WILL be a lucky one…because I have learned these lessons.
I'm ok everyone...just needed to do this I guess. Part of moving on.
