searching patience with H / finding myself #9

[NikB]

This is his mess, and I have to handle it, even when I'm not there...my poor babies.

Really work on getting the blaming out of your mind - it isn't going to help anyone. He could just as easily say it's your mess, for hurting him for so long (whether you meant to or not). It doesn't matter - what matters is how you go forward.

Have to handle it? No, you don't. Let him do it. Give him control over his R with the kids, by not fixing it for him.

[NikB]

((((Donna))))

Just realized my last two posts had some tough stuff in them and wanted to send a hug, too. This is hard, I know.

[Reincarnated]

I'm back from the library, eating the leftover hot dogs that H made for the kids.

I started to cry, hard, on the way home. Not sure what brought it on; I wasn't focused on the sitch at the moment (can you believe it?). But I suddenly had this overwhelming sense:

H is never going to love me again.

Don't know where that came from. Maybe it was the "D for kids" books I was pre-reading at the library. They ranged from yeah, it sucks and you'll get over it, to a photo (in a kid's book) of a preteen passed out or dead on the bathroom floor with his mother crying over the body and a bottle of pills laying in his hand!!

The two things seem so different, though. I was struck by the personal sense of loss while crying. The feeling that, no matter what I do or did, it is over for him; he will never let go of that pain and open his heart again.

And I am alone.

I've got to get off of this thing and veg in front of the tv for a while, all...

[Sara]

Donna,

Never is a strong word. And often not really true. He doesn't feel love for you now, and that is sad enough. But you are beating yourself up telling yourself he will never love you again.

[NikB]

(((Donna))) Sorry you had a rough night. It was the first with the new routine so it was bound to be difficult.

For tomorrow, let's find a way to make this time for yourself more positive than sitting in the library dwelling, eh?? How about:

- Make plans with a friend or family member? (NOT MIL.. not sure what other family you have around)
- Go to a movie (by yourself isn't that bad at the movies!)?
- Go running, walking, biking?
- Take the dog to the park?
- Get your nails done?
- Jump on meetup.com tonight and see if there are any appealing groups in your area - then join, and go to one? (awkward at first, HECK YEAH, but it's fun and worth it)
- Read for FUN. Find a good mystery novel or something (no trashy romances just yet..)
- If you're feeling up to it - plan a trip! Immerse yourself in that... if you're like me, which I think you are, you can get really caught up in (and enjoy) the planning. Then of course make sure you TAKE the trip too.

Something -- ANYTHING -- to get you out having fun, and NOT focusing on this stuff for awhile. It will feel forced at first - do it anyway, really.

[NikB]

Sara good point - never, always, should... all words to keep out of our minds as much as we can.

[NikB]

Hey Donna one other thought for these nights.. how long are you away from the house, again? And how long do you plan to try this schedule?

I was thinking maybe a very part time job in the evenings? Something fun like, I dunno, flower arranging or something??

[NNP1965]

Oops, he just called. Where is S's helmet for BMX? On the front seat of your truck...
Then he says, you didn't tell the kids about this? Yeah, I did. S had told me (when he was trying to fix everything) that we all just neeed a vacation from each other for a while, go to our own corners and work it out in our heads (smart kid). So, I told him today that we thought it was a great idea and are trying it for a few days.

H says that D is asking him if I am upset, why didn't I go with them, etc. She is younger...forgets things she doesn't want to know about, hears what she wants to hear...H said that he just wanted to know what "we" were telling them.

This is his mess, and I have to handle it, even when I'm not there...my poor babies.

Maybe tomorrow you should "forget" to take your phone with you. Make sure it is in the house so he can hear it ring when he calls you. So he does not think you are ignoring him.

[Reincarnated]

I think I am in a full blown paniikc attack. the xanax isnt working. I have no one to hold me. what do i do, how am i going to do this on a daily basis?

i don't know how to calm myself down when like this. I had my mother until 3 years ago and H for 21, then only H, and now no one.

I want so badly to go down to him, have him tell me that everything is goinhg to be ok.bit i know its not

i think i have to call the counselor

Ive never had pain like this

[NMHurting]

Donna,
Sorry for just now getting around to your thread. Listen to me for a second.

We have all been there in the exact spot you're in. We have all felt the pain. Heck I don't have a friend within a 100mile radius.
I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU'RE AT.

It gets better. Each day you gain acceptance. The thing that worked for me is that I drew a line in the sand and said "enough." I have my good days, I have my bad. But my bad days are getting better because I'm accepting my mistakes. Embrace them, grow from them. It's hard not to get overwhelmed, but darlin' we've all been there...and I can promise you it does get better. I had to figure out how to love myself, never did it before until my sitch started. Start there. Love yourself for being a good mom, love yourself for being a good employee, find something and accept that positive for now.