The last few days, since Sunday have been pretty peaceful. I've not made an issue of sleeping downstairs, I make sure to put my stuff away in the morning before I leave so the kids won't see it. If they come down or ask, I tell them it's because I get up early and I don't want to wake everyone up. I call my kids during the day, I don't call her for any reason. She does call me about normal stuff but that's it and that's cool with me. The tension is starting to drop a bit. I think part of that too is my refusal to think about it.
I make sure I am light, upbeat and no serious talk. I keep thinking about light talk, happy talk. Be happy, all the time, and I refuse to let her see me down about anything.
She locked her keys in her car earlier, I had to take my keys out to her, about a 45 minute drive. I was happy, light about it. I think she expected something negative, particularly given everything else. I just won't. I was sympathetic, everybody locks their keys in the car sometime, so big deal. Left without making anything of it, kissed my girls and off I was. W made a point to say goodbye, no contact but at least she said goodbye. That's a lot more civil than anything else she has said recently. LOL.
She is definitely in a funk. I met her later for lunch with my youngest 2 daughters. She was going to a throat specialist in the town I work in, she is having some problems with her voice. I told her I really hope everything goes well. My youngest was talking about heaven and said, I hope we are already in heaven that way we don't ever have to die. My wife made some comment about I hope this isn't heaven. Whatever. That is her issue. I know she is going through a lot but it's just a 6 year old talking about heaven for crying out loud.
I didn't respond. I'm getting better at that. Just not responding in any way to that stuff. Again, I just keep thinking; Be happy, keep it light, keep it happy, stay positive, zero pessimism.
When it came time to leave, I kissed my two girls as I put them in the car, as I was stepping away my wife gave me a hug. She held on for a minute, pretty tight. She is definitely a hurting, confused puppy right now.
She called after the doc appointment to let me know it's not nodules or anything like that. The doc thinks it's acid reflux and told her to get some OTC stuff for it. At least she called and told me about it, I really appreciated her consideration for my concern about this and keeping me in the loop. I was worried that it would be something more serious, involving nodules and surgery. That can be really bad for singers, sometimes it changes their voice.
I keep thinking about a thread I read here but can't seem to find. It was about the "Special As If" attitude. In it the poster mentioned our spouses core values, to remember those as we hear the things they say to us.
With that in mind, it is easier for me to follow the DB principle of believing nothing she says and only half of what she does. For example, her core values regarding sex/intimacy are that this is something important to her, maybe even difficult to do with a man and something she has never willingly done with anyone other than me. Yet the part of her that is hurt and convinced that the only way out is a D, says, "you think because I have sex with you it means I'm trying?, it's just sex, I can do the mechanics of sex, I can orgasm without you even there so what does that prove?" Yet, I know her core values. I know the struggle she has had in the past to be intimate with me due to the abuse. She assured me that nothing was ever an issue, just some days, she really couldn't due to remembering things and maybe just being a like most women, she doesn't want it as much as a guy would. I know she was a virgin when we got married. I know she considered it something she wouldn't do until she was married because of her relationship with God. Those are her core values as it relates to that issue.
So I will believe nothing she says about that right now, and only half of what I see.
I've also been thinking about another thing in that As If post. What would I write to someone in my situation? Now I just need to sit down and write that out, then follow it to the letter. We all probably know what we should do, we just can't seem to get there. We can all advise others, that seems simple enough as it's not emotionally charged.
Over the next few hours I'm going to write up an action plan for myself.
