Not respect him...that is something that he has actually said. I have to think about that, because I don't see it that way right now.

I have always thought that we were of equal intelligence, just differently intelligent. I am book smart, an academic. He is a natural leader, a great manager, good memory, can look at something mechanical and just gets it. He built a whole wing on our house for my mother's apt with no formal training. He is funny and warm-hearted. People who know him call him Superman, because he is the one everyone calls for help, from electrical to cars to cutting down trees...Jack of all trades, I guess, and always willing to run out to help a friend; almost giving to a fault.

There have been many times in our R when I look at him and can't believe that this incredible man is with me.

We have always filled these certain roles. He does all of the above, plus is a very involved, loving Dad. I have always done the finances (until recently, but still handle the taxes), research into anything financial and medical. I read every book I can get my hands on about a topic (remember What to Expect while Expecting?). He doesn't read anything longer than a news article.

When my sister got fibro, I read about it, went to all of the dr. appts, and helped my mom handle it. When my D was born with no soft spot in her skull to allow rapid growth, I researched it and made the decisions as to which doctor we would use and was surgery method (a very rare disorder, and diff drs. do different things). H trusted me with that awesome responsibility. When my dad died, I took care of all of the arrangements and financials to get Mom started on her own. When she got sick, I went with her to all of her appts.

We just filled in the places that we were better at. Not repect him? I always saw him as the hero, the protector and lover, kind and giving...the perpetual Boy Scout. My IC told me this week that I had to take him off of the pedestal that I had put him on...how can that be, and me not show my respect for him?

I guess I followed that pattern with this mess, too. Read as much as I could get my hands on, including scholarly articles in medical pubs (the statistics and graphs made my head hurt). But this time, H was not interested in what I was able to find.

For the first time in our R, he doesn't trust me. It feels so strange...
So much about him lately is so foreign; the lies, the anger, the selfishness, the stubborness...
I remember reading in Gottman that he said men should learn to accept influence by their wives (citing emotional connections and communication skills that come easier to women, and nuturing / reduced risk taking and healthy behaviors, if I remember correctly). H did that, until now.

He says that this is the first time that he has ever stood up to me, that he always gave in...came at me with "narcissistic bully" a few weeks ago. Crap, maybe I am, at least in part (I don't know how aware I am of how I am viewed by others...). But I never meant to be; I would have welcomed his debating me. Couldn't he have picked some other hard line to take, instead of our marriage?!

I guess that is why I have to completely hand over the reins to him...he has to see that he has the power, here, over his life and choices. I must have had too much influence over him for too long...

I so much want to be equals in a relationship with him...but he has to think that I can do that, and he has to want to go there. More reflection...