I am going to keep on like this and I know I will be ok, it is not for me to take on nor for me to absorb. Let go and let GOD... I know now that I am very strong I just let him take too much of me and my energy. I allow him to drain me and it wont happen overnite but I will get better at this. I just know it my heart tells me so~ I am also going to do my best to focus on my personal growth in my posts I need to get even better at loving me and taking time for me. I am carving out two hours a day at the Y for awhile until my spirit is replenished and then cut back some... but it feels good to have quality me and the kids time. I am proud of myself cause I am taking charge of me and actively going to work on me .. I deserve it and so does my body. I brought five children into the world and I love them with every part of my being and now it is ok for me to take time for me. It really is. I aint getting any younger ,but I am getting better! God bless....
I am feeling well today and I must admit that Iam feeling a little insecure. But I will be ok ,, I just wonder if this beautiful Man I love will ever really grow up all the way and live with integrity,,, and on and on and on....... when I asked this morning if the caller last nite was for him he said no it wasnt for me..... and in a smart ass tone he says "why you wanna call it?" How rude. I know , I know , I know..... Detach, detach and detach... I will do it it just hurts some........... Let it go.... I am supposed to be his Wife not his Mother so let it go and Maybe one day he wil be the Man he needs to be and until then I need to Gal for me. H can be so awesome and he is and then the ugliness that comes from left field. ( well I know where it comes from) and I will continue to work on me so it does not affect me! I will have a fabulous day today.... I promise you all... no obsessing ... so stress. I have come to far too let this JUNK drag me down..... I promised myself I wouldnt talk about it and so that is it and I dont want to worry about it anymore. I am going to get better at this and I will feel so much better when I do.... detach, detach and detach some more....
I said I wouldnt talk about it and really dont want to it just makes me sick! So I am going to stick to my boundaries.... to me getting me back at full throttle. He will either get better on his own or he will dig himself so deep that one day I will I may have to just say I have done everything I can and this is just enough.... I do not ever want it to come to that but how fair is it to continually deal with this type of BS? and I alone have allowed it. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday my MOM stayed over ( I have had a strained R with her over the years b/c of her rudeness and negativity towards me and my KIDS*)and this am I am up at 5:30 am,, Usually am..
I help with the crew my H has here and I needed to call the salesman and then call the crew leader then give him a "mapquest" to get there,, no biggie but this is what my mornings are like.... I asked my son for the home phone ( he was sleeping w/ it ) and b/c I spoke to my son. When I walked ,quietly mind you ,by her she shook her head and made a face of disgust.. are you kidding me sleeping beauty? This made me so angry,,, just like my H treats me I thought. I have asked her in the past to leave b/c of her behavior. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!???!! WOW , I am getting sidetracked and I am supposed to stay calm. I must say that I am very disillusioned by this. I know this is all on him ... I know I have reached my boiling point whether it means anything or not I really dont care and yeah I am going to seriously try to not walk on Eggshells ever again. Like Jen told me you are the prize not him...... No no try just not walk on 'em. and BTW even sadder I cannot talk to my MOM about any of this... she is negativity in a bottle all day long everyday..... no exaggeration. have taken her to 5 star restaurants and she will actually complain the whole time. She was even mad cause my charger was lost and my brother keeps his in the same place everyday. MY h is not really a complainer but I am so sick of others taking advantage of my good nature. She was better for a bit when I stopped talking to her for a bit and now she is back at it full throttle. She demanded we make her a separate breakfast, my son and his friend cooked again... cause she doesn’t like eggs and "chorizo" A MEXICAN SAUSAGE. she KNEW THEY WERE MAKING BREAKFAST and yet offered not to help at all and then was lecturing my kids that they need to help more...... WHEEEEEWH~ Next time she calls I will let it go to VM~ how sad really that my 56 year old MOM still acts like she is 3 years old. Last night at the Y she acted like a fool too. Wow , VM definitely VM next time. Then she demanded a ride b/c she is boycotting the Public Transit System.... I said " sorry I have to be here for when the crew calls in case they get lost." she told me 30 minutes before she had to leave like I am at her beck and call and sadly I have allowed her too to treat me like a doormat. And one last thing I am built like Jennifer Lopez and she always says Women who are built like that have Butts the size of Texas... NICE HUH????? AND when I walked in the pool yesterday after exercising she looked at me in a weird way.. It made me sad... like she was jealous of my body. I feel like crying now just like when I was a teenager. I have come to accept my body and all its curves,,, I have a lot of them and men always turn their heads when I walk in the room , no exaggeration and I am not trying to be conceited. It used to make me so uncomfortable and now I just smile. Yet I have been fighting seeing an ugly Woman in the mirror for years b/c of her. I was in therapy for three years when I was only 19... and my therapist told me to stay away from my own Mother....
It is ok .. I am strong and even thru my tears right now... not my Mother , nor MY H will rob me of this. He is always telling me he wants me to get stronger and yet I allow the idiotic things he does hurt me too, too much. Not anymore,, really I am already 36 and I want to enjoy the rest of the time that God has given me here. One day I will be gone and those who loved me best will not forget me or the beauty I made them feel by loving them all each and every one for them just who they are,, not to please be but just be who you are plain and simple and I will love you. Cause I have no right to judge only GOD HAS THAT RIGHT. But I have come to realize it is k to shut out certain people if their negativity is too much for me to bear. I live as much as I can like God would want me to and yet I need to realize he did not put me here to suffer at the abuse of people who have no love in their hearts period. Enough is enough. I am tired of crying and tired of turning my cheek. No I wont be something I am not but I have had it.. I deserve the same Happiness I wish upon others.... It is not to much to ask,, it is What God put me here for to rejoice in his blessings and enjoy my life and not at the expense of others..... Sorry this is probably a NOVEL,, but the thoughts just came out and I need to move on... I need to love me even more so I can move forward and ENJOY my life~ God bless....
MMM!!! You are more then welcome to come here and make me chorizo for breakfast! My family loves it. I have a Mom just like you do and it is extremely hard to deal with her at times. She has made many negative comments to me and has reduced me to tears on more then one occasion.
Just remember your quote... Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth...
Ali, you are becoming you again and it can be really exciting to finally stand up for yourself and say NO MORE!!!!!
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Hang in there, be strong but be kind and loving too.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Well I am proud of me.. and no I am not tying to change him I just needed ( apparently, cause I did not start talking to him with this in mind*) to get this of my chest ,, last nite I was so uptight and for some reason this Morning when he called I let it all out. I VERY calmly said to him,, H: I feel better I did not want to get up. ME: Did you drink yesterday? H: No, WHY? ME: Well maybe that is why your body is happy you did not drink and it is trying to rest. H: yeah, but I would like to have a drink....
we said a few other things to one another and then I stated... "Honey I have not wanted to say anything and yet I have to say that this past few weeks/ month especially on the weekends have not been good , you have been acting like you are 18. It is not good. H: yeah I know, I havent done this in a long time. ME: well it needs to stop, it is just not right it just seems so degrading and gross what you have been up to, and then you tell me there are "women " there too and that isnt right it makes me sick , it is not ok ,it is just wrong Plain and simple. You have been acting so LOW and I do not like it and I think it is wrong. It is just gross and there is no reason you need to be acting like this , do you understand? H: I know honey you are right.... ( and he wasnt even being rude, sarcastic or condescending, he agreed whole heartedly. I said a little more but cant remember it. He then said "ok honey well have a pen ready I am going to call you later w/ all the Invoice info.
? I feel like the elephant sitting on my chest went back home. Awesome and he did not argue or get defensive. I got to state how I feel and wasnt even looking for validation, he always has a "reason" why what he does is OK, and not today. ? ~wow~ I feel better,, I will most likely never know who this &*^^( was but I hvae taken the High Road and I am going to keep Getting a LIFE and I will be ok. No better than ok, I will be strong and loving and free once and for all of the shackles I alone put on and wore daily of him. I can love him doesnt mean I have to love evrything else.... mood swings, etc, etc, etc. thanks you all for your advice ,,,, LOVE, Ali GOD BLESS...
Ali, you are becoming you again and it can be really exciting to finally stand up for yourself and say NO MORE! Hang in there, be strong but be kind and loving too
Thank you BND.. this is exactly how I feel and what I intend to do. Just this morning I stood my ground and yes it felt so good. BND~ you are right, I am becoming me again. I am a good person and there is no sense fixing something that is NOT broke!!!!!! I have come to realize I do REALLY need to stand up for me just like you stated strong loving and kind. That is me for sure. But the strong I have been leaving out to much lately ,, it is easier said than done,, but we can do anything we put our minds to. And just these few days of not absorbing his moods etc etc,, have been better a little bit of work for me but better.. Anyway rambling now.... God bless... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BND~ you made me smile and that is what counts. Thanks for the encouragement!
Alimari, loving yourself takes practice. Watching you learning to respect and take care of yourself is helping me. The good detachment skills that we all need in order to cope with destructive partners are amazingly useful on every frontier. Your poor mom has been through the drunky wars herself.
History repeats. It is important to keep being our best selves rather than 'becoming our mothers'. yikes.
Lately, I am distressed to realize that healthy self love involves so much sweat!! That is comically true. You and your adventures in the gym have convinced me. You have learned to change your worried mood by getting physical. Best!!!
Our out of control husbands rely on us to stay calm and to keep the family ship floating. Our children, even adult ones, need us to. I read what you and others write and then I reconsider the bigger picture. Doing what is right and healthy is good for everyone.
Your last thread seems to me like you are really down on yourself. This has nothing to do with you as a person. Yes like me there may have been signs that you did not see. Yes like me you may have taken things for granted. But.... The only one that had total control over the sitch was your H. He is the one that made the choice. Sounds like you have enough on your plate that you don't need your mom distracting you. Does she live with ya? If not try not to have much contact with her at this time. It hard enough to deal with one relationship issue.
And I know it's a curse, but being a beautiful woman is another thing you are just going to have to except and live with.
It’s just like the fact that people come to California for the cheese instead of Wisconsin. (lol)
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Lately, I am distressed to realize that healthy self love involves so much sweat!!
Amen to that.... funny huh? I purposely put the bike setting on UPHILL so I could feel it and SWEAT!!!!!! It was hard but afterward it felt so good,, and boy oh boy if I didnt feel sexy afterward .
You are very welcome... and yes it takes so much d*mn practice. Just when I thought I am strong and I am ok,, nope . I need to get even stronger... it is like I got half way up the hill and decided it is beautiful here I am going to sit for awhile.. nope I have to keep going , for who? Just for me! Thanks Flicka you are a sweetheart. And maybe someday soon I will take you up on that post to go to church. I actually live across the street from one.LOL! But the last time I went I was so filled w/ gratitude that all I did was cry the whole time and everyone looked at me like I was losing my mind, well a few smiled. BTW~ I love your sense of humor you make me laugh! Thanks~ God bless...
Thanks Ladies your encouragement means so much to me. Have a great day... I am starting to feel much better and it can only go up from here if I keep trying. God bless....
well a few smiled.
Thanks~