You're right, Sara, about knowing how to deal by writing here; I just wish I could find another way that really took the longing away. Just keep growing, right?
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It's all in the chase. Does he want you to chase him, or does he want to be the one to chase you? It is the games that keeps life fun.
I don't know at all that he enjoys chases of any kind. I can't tell today what he would want. When we started dating, I did all of the pursuing - calling him, etc. - but then I was only 17 and he was almost 19. I think he wouldn't want me to do anything of the kind anymore. Still, I wonder how I would know if things were changing towards reconciliation if he doesn't say anything; would he start to flirt or should I? Could I even begin without absolutely losing everything done so far? Do I want to be in a relationship that I am so conflicted about? Can I realistically expect ANY relationship to be unconflicted? Too many questions!!
And Imp:
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what you have to do is the same whether the spouse returns or not.
Part of what started me downwards this past couple days wasn't anything he said but something I realized. I came to realize that I don't want to have a relationship where the passive-aggressive games get played like they were during our marriage. That makes me sad, b/c it might mean the marriage has to end even if I love so many other things about H. I just wish I knew where we were going. I know that even if we were in the position to divorce right now, I don't want to go there; I'm not that impatient for closure yet. I am, though, creating dreams and writing futures that will help me keep going. How crappy it is, though, that love and deep connections aren't enough to keep a couple together! Even with all of our problems, H& I always knew what the other was thinking (of course, until the end, apparently! )and we could talk about anything forever. I love that part of us; that's the part I want to rebuild on. And the hardest lesson I'm learning is that just b/c I want it, it just might not happen. BLEAH!
)and we could talk about anything forever. I love that part of us; that's the part I want to rebuild on. And the hardest lesson I'm learning is that just b/c I want it, it just might not happen. BLEAH!
