It is finally out, he wants a D

[HSSweetheart]

Well H just called me at lunch to tell me of his plans tonite with the kids. He proceeded to tell me that he took out the stuff I had mentioned this morning last week to his fathers and that he would be going there in the next week or so. He referenced the night he caved and said he needed to leave because that wasn't right and I suppose he didn't want it to occur again. I again explained that I had a brain and did not feel used and could make my own decisions.

He told me he would tell the kids he was going to his father's temporarily. I asked if that was true and he said no, he just wanted to ease his leaving with them.

He told me on the good side that after a few days his father may annoy him again like last time and he may push him down the stairs. I said then perhaps you will get the house.

Then he said he would see me late tonite if I was there-don't know what that means. And said he was sorry, I said don't bother. Then he told me careful coming home. I bit my tongue which is permanently severed anyway, and didn't say anything. Like he cares now, don't bother.

So I had to run to the bathroom and cry. My co-worker came with me to help. One of the few friends I truly have.

Any suggestions from anyone? I don't know where to go or what to do from here.

On another note, I am on vacation next week and couldn't find anything I could afford to do. So I mentioned to the kids about going camping. They asked if H would be there, I said no. S11 said it would be no fun without him. Yipee. That hurt more than he really knew. I am so upset right now I don't know what to do. I really want to go home but I don't have the time and would just mope and feel sorry for myself anyway. I am best at that.

[brandnewday]

What do you guys mean about breaking the cycle? I have done many things but none of them ever worked for good.

If they didn't work it is because you either were not making the changes needed for yourself, but rather for him, to appease him, to win him back or what you were doing was the wrong approach.

HSS the changes need to be for you not for him.

Do you not see that there are deeper issues with him, and you are not going to be able to fix your Husband. This is something he has to do for himself.

The fact that he can run home to his Daddy whenever something goes wrong is a huge red flag.

Maybe I don't NEED him, but I WANT him.

Your behavior would suggest otherwise.

The man wants a Divorce.
He is moving out.
Why reward his bad behavior with sex and acting needy?

It is time to be strong and stand on your own two feet, he needs to see that he is not needed, and he needs to see what life will be like without you and his home.

As I posted to you before, this has been going on for the last couple of years, the back and forth BS.
Enough is enough.


((((((((hugs))))))))))

[HSSweetheart]

Thanks BND. I have started being quiet. Yesterday he asked me what was up, I said same old same old. He said something is wrong if I am not chewing his ear. When he called at lunch I was quiet on the phone. Again he asked how I was.

He slept downstairs last night for other issues. (Dog accidents)
He came upstairs in the morning to get clothes and asked me again how I was. I gave the same generic answer. Then get this--he hugged me!!!!!! Why now is being nice? I just stood there with my arms at my side.

I am trying not to act needy, thanks. I am just acting like he is now, emotionless and quiet.

I know I will be ok without him, I am a survivor. Why do you say I act like I need him?

[BethM]

HSS,

Maybe he's being nice to you because you've changed the dance and this is not the same pursuing behavior that he has come to expect!!!! Maybe you should try doing this a little more often. Maybe being detached will start to feel good to you. Once you stop the crazy making (and this is not all your fault it's a reaction to what he's doing) your life will become more calm and peaceful. Oneday you might wake up and realize that it's his loss as well and not all yours.

Listen Sweetie, I'm not trying to make you feel badly about how you've handled this. I could write the book on what NOT to do. I do know how this feels. BND knows how this feels and we know it's an awful place to be, but you have to start making some choices that will benefit you and your children. What kind of life is it for them to have a Mom that is a total wreck? You can't be giving them 100%. Again, I know this!

Look, if he's going to leave, he's going to leave. There is not a darn thing you can do about it. Start living for you and not worrying what this very unhappy, selfish man thinks or does. He doesn't even know what he's doing from day to day, so how can you know?

Take care of yourself and most of all, start believing in yourself and your worth...

Love,
Bethie

[HSSweetheart]

Thanks so much. It has felt a little better to be somewhat unconnected. Yesterday I was quiet again at the kids physicals and he came over in the exam room and started rubbing my shoulders.

I said very little to him all night unless I had to. He mentioned that he was going to sleep in our bed but I see he slept on the sofa again. Starting to not even bother me like it did.

Don't worry, I know you are being truthful and not unkind. I WANT to hear what you think. I'm not sure he's nice because I changed the dance. I think it is a combination of things. Guilt is powerful. And he deserves lots of it!

I know I cannot stop him as I tried that the first time to a great failure. Will never try again. He has to want to be home.

Funny how true your statements are when you don't even know us. Like she says in the book, its like she is in our homes! I just wish I could be in his brain. He hasn't said it but its like she says, I love you but I'm not in love with u. Says he has "nothing" left and that he doesn't care for me anymore. I have a hard time believing in that. He says it didn't happen overnight. Well then speak. Why can't men speak????? They just keep quiet until hell breaks loose and then wonder why we are miffed. Like we should know what they think. Anyway, going to Sesame place today possibly with D7 so I gotta get lotioned up! Trying to still be normal you know. Tough as it is!

[HSSweetheart]

H got out his classic car in the nice weather yesterday and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. We ended up at a local park. Kids got to go on the playground for a while. It was very nice. Then he went to put it back away for the night at his father's and didn't come home for 2 hrs - his father lives 10 minutes away. This made me angry but to my credit I did not call him or mention it when he came home. He was kind all day except for one comment when I complained about his remote control habits. To me such things are irrelevant but he sees them all as part of the big picture.

One of the members of my group is furious at me that I still let him stay here. I just cannot throw him out, not only for myself but for the kids. Things seem mostly normal. Is this wrong? I guess no one has all the answers.

[HSSweetheart]

Last night I was going out after I thought my H had left and found him in the driveway talking on his cell. Heard him talking business like, said something about July or Aug. Must be an apartment I figure. I curtly walked off to see my D7 at the neighbors. When I came back he came to the car window and wouldn't let me leave. Says he cannot live with his father, his original idea, so I guess that means the apt hunt is on. Turns out his sister who he just helped move is giving him some hand me down furniture..which means he's talked to them of course. Annoys me that I am the last to know. Story of my life. So I left and he said he would be there when I got home. I said I wanted to hear that forever..

So last night he came to be after me and wanted me. At this point I am hesitant. So I tried to kinda hint my way out of it as I didn't want to hear the next week about how wrong it was. So finally I caved. Of course at that point he started crying and saying how wrong it was. I was getting so angry and frustrated with him I left and he followed me. Said he was screwed up. I said I wasn't disagreeing. He said for me to go to bed that he would sleep downstairs, I didnt' have to. I really just wanted him to follow me so I told him not to bother, it was fine. SO we both went back to bed but I wasn't asleep still by 3 am. So he was all sweet all night and rubbing my back so I would go to sleep as I was taking D7 to Sesame Place today. I said it didn't matter, I would just take drugs. He didn't like that answer.

Now after returning from Sesame Place today he didn't even say hello let alone how was it. Really hurts. Went for his 6 mile walk. Hope to watch a movie together later.

[HSSweetheart]

He finally told me yesterday that he was renting a house with a friend. That means his independence is BS - now the friend will be taking care of him instead of me and instead of his Mom. So he will still learn nothing about being out on his own. I was extremely upset and went to my flying solo mtg in a bad state. They tried to help, told me it would be better when he's not living at home. My friend called me on the ride home so I sat in my car in a thunderstorm and talked to her for over an hour.

When I went to be he wanted to talk. Oh, now he wants to talk! Always wants to bring the subject up, I just want to forget it. Everything has to be done yesterday now. I keep telling him I will sign nothing, do what you have to do. Told me I would probably find someone before he did. The nerve!!!! I told him I have not the least bit of interest in it, besides I would feel like I was cheating anyway.

So excuse me if I have an attitude and am a little bitter. Have been trying to bite my tongue but he pushes. Today he told me on the phone that he could snipe and have an attitude too but as long as he is still home we have to get along. I just try not to say anything. I can no longer act "as if".

[HSSweetheart]

Yesterday was an ok day as he didn't push issues. Today was another story. Annoyed at his cell usage. Ongoing issue. He jumped for it today and as always ran outside to talk. So to annoy him I followed him. Heard business like talk again and him making an appt at 6. Then shortly thereafter he took a shower and actually answered the cell while inthe shower! Now to digress, this is his 3rd cell since Feb as the last two were water damaged for different reasons-a replacement cost us $120! So now he's wet showering on the phone? I flipped out. He said of all the things I have to worry about I pick that. I said this is an old topic and besides it is related. I said I was tired of it being on when he was home and of him always rushing to it and then talking outside like everything is a secret. He can NEVER talk on it in the house. Usually this is a sign of a big fight. It is usually a subject I cannot even bring up, but who cares now right? Funny thing is he didn't even argue. This is his new thing, lay back, etc. He argues about nothing. I told him he wasn't even him anymore and he didn't understand, but I do. I asked people in my group if I could put stipulations in our divorce, when and if, that he cannot be on his cell when he is spending time with the kids. He'll talk on one call for 70+ minutes at a time. That's nuts.

He said the 6pm was a woman cking his credit for his rental house. I said you mean "our" credit. Says he is trying for a 4 bedroom local house. He will pay 50% and have 2 bedrooms. One will be for D7 and the other for him and S11 when over. I said I didn't know if that was legal and he got annoyed, said if I wanted to go that route. I said what good would that do me? Really, what good?

One other thing, when he was confronting me again on Fri I asked if he had scheduled his medical procedure and he said no. That's another thing I want to be sure he does before summer is out. He said he was concentrating on things he felt he needed to do. I said oh, and you don't need this? Only been putting it off for like 2 yrs now. I told him I would not remove him from my medical insurance until it was done.

[HSSweetheart]

My H took the kids to the shore overnight. I guess this is just a scratch on the surface of the loneliness I will feel when he has the kids. I HATE IT. Stayed at work as long as I could. Told someone who told a big boss. She talked to me for about an hour. Nice to know someone cares, but never being married she cannot really relate.

Heard him say for the first time the phrase I have no money. Welcome to reality. Where I live.