Actually, he has said that this is his turn--he gave me 20 years of happiness, and now he deserves to be happy. The only future that he can see with me is based on the past, that I haven't changed. He will be miserable and have to "go back to sleep, back to pretending." I have asked him what about me makes him unhappy, is there something that I can still do to make him happy, what do you see happening when I am gone? Do you think that I will ever be completely out of your life, especially with kids? What do you want?
He doesn't know the answers to any of this. All he can say, is that he doesn't want this. And this is us in limbo, waiting for him to make up his mind. I am like this (sad) because we haven't even started the work after 8 months, and sad that he doesn't even think it is worth it to try.

He did say that him living in misery would be much worse for the kids than D. I agree! I have told him over and over that I don't WANT the old marriage, I don't want him to come back simply out of obligation--I want to work on the M and find the happiness and love that we had, build something new. I don't believe that being miserable is a forgone conclusion; we haven't tried working on the M yet. (Again, defensive? Controlling? Manipulative? Michele did say that manipulation is not necessarily a bad word--we are trying to influence people all of the time. When is it wrong, especially when the stakes are so high?) He believes that love is a feeling; it's either there or it's not. I have read anecdotes in so many books and articles of MCs seeing these feelings come back...and so many different ways to foster that. I am only asking him to consider the possibility, get him back to the table to try. I know that there are no guarentees, but I am willing to make that leap of faith. My own IC has said that he may not be strong enough...

I wish I could plop everything that I have read into his head; hence, leaving the marked books for him, if he so chooses (I need to feel like I tried everything possible to save this M and my family, in order to look my children in the face...)

But, in the end, I have to let all of this go. I have tried to push, lead, plead, reason, etc. There is nothing left but to let go, and leave my and my children's future in his hands...