My wife had an affair with my best friend. The two people I trusted most in the world betrayed me. The pain is immeasurable. Who do you go to?
For the next 3 weeks.
1. Re-read divorce remedy. ;-) 2. Don't pursue. 3. Work on yourself, get a life. Have fun. I know this sounds impossible, but what would you rather do: slip into depression and panic? 4. Excercise regularly. 5. Allow him to greive the loss. It's a real process. It sucks, but be sympathetic. He may not be ready to work on the marriage. He's still on a bio-chemical endorphin high of a new, "forbidden" relationship. 6. Listen to him, don't judge, validate his feelings. 7. You can't both work the relationship until he is ready to. 8. When he wants to: you might want to go through one of two books: After the affair, Janis Springer or Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The first one might be easier to go through.
Let's talk about the situation in general.
1. They were busted. This means they don't think this was wrong. It didn't run it's course. Their break up added to the forbidden and romantic myth of their relatiobnship. Like Romeo and Juliet, exterior pressure against them may make the passion even stronger. 2. They were planning to leave their spouses. They may still be planning this. It may not be over. 3. Chasing him and forcing him to work on the marriage will not make him "get over" her. 4. Your husband is in a fog he's not rational right now 5. All you can do is attract him back. Don't push him out, don't try to pull him back in. Attract him. Yes I know that sucks. It seems unfair. Shouldn't he be crawling on his knees begging your forgiveness? That would be nice. My wife hasn't yet. Her only regret about the affair, she tells me, is that he didn't leave his wife and shack up with her. Yeah...that really hurts. My wife is still in love with him. She broke it off because he wouldn't leave his wife. 6. Be prepared that this EA is not really over. It's not that simple. They may be going dormant for while. I'm sorry to say this, but it may be the case. I think this may be the case with my wife and ex-best friend. 7. He's very negative about your marriage right now. So don't take to heart anything he says. And yes he doesn't have too many FEELINGS for you right now: he's flooded with FEELINGS for her. A heart (rather, brain chemistry) has a limited capacity for affection -- we, generally, can only be "in love" with one person at a time. Where are FEELINGS listed in your marriage vows. "I promise to stay with you only if I keep having sweaty palms". Give me a break. He can have FEELINGS for you again. 8. When he's serious about working on your marriage. He'll have to break off all contact with her permanently. If they work together that's pretty tricky. He might request a transfer. Ot he'll have to only talk about business -- but's that too tough of a temptation. Your friendship with her is also over.
I know your pain. It really sucks.
Funny thing. If we got together for lunch every day and shared about our grief over our spouses we would be sending certain messages to each other: I'm vulnerable, I'm available. And you know what? Boom -- the endoerphins would hit. Pretty soon we would both think we were "soul mates". We might even think we were lovers in a past life, or some such nonsense. It's that easy. No mystery.
