Why is this so hard for me to get? I read it over and over, I see it, but don't get it (or don't hold onto it). I understand the Listen part, but what about support? I guess I have seen support as help, do something, come up with solutions...
What do I do when he tells me over and over that his unhappiness is because of me? If I don't try to understand that, explain my actions, how can I address it? Better yet, I have acted/changed all of the things he pointed to that I did wrong, and upheld the changes. He is still unhappy; actually more unhappy than the bomb, even though he sees the changes, says this is the wife he always wanted. I asked him about that, and he couldn't answer why. I didn't even talk this one to death (I don't think), I just changed it. Wait...I might have tried to defend past actions, but I finally stopped that and just did something to fix it. That all happened probably within the first few weeks. But then he kept telling me how he resented how quickly I was able to make the changes--why didn't I do it years before? Again, tried to explain and defend. How else do you answer these questions?
I feel badly for him, for all that he has gone through, and regret that I didn' / couldn't do more before. I am also feeling like a victim, which I know is not very healthy, but the life that I dreamt of, imagined, is being ripped away from me and the kids, with no say or way to stop it. It has been very hard to accept. And I'm not sure if he will end up any happier in the long run, so I worry for him, too. I feel like I am worrying for everyone, and he is only concerned with himself (but would deny that). I am afraid that he doesn't see any of the negative consequences to what he is doing...and letting him find out means letting him rip the family apart. When I have brought stuff up about this, he asks if I don't believe that he has thought long and hard about this, taken the issue seriously...I guess he does see the negatives but his chance for a positive for him outweighs the negatives that all of us will have to go through.
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You are STILL trying to communicate your POV and convince him of its correctness through those other conversations, yes?
Quit trying to get him to see your POV. There is nothing to work out, nothing to convince him of, nothing to prove you were right about. If you reconcile, you will need to work through some things. Until then, act like he is a right-wing Republican and you are a Democrat and you have no vested interest in changing his mind.
Ugh. I do feel right about this. For me, my family, my children...and I have been fighting him on his needs. I finally let go Mon, and told him that I can't imagine the pain he must be experiencing to think that this is the only way to make it stop--it must be so hard for him. I won't stand in the way anymore. I have tried to give you hope that there are other options, asked you to trust me. But I really do want you to be happy, and now I have to trust you, that you are making the best decisions for you. I won't stand in your way anymore.
It's very scary to let go, when the decisions of another will affect my life and my kids lives so profoundly.
After he said the words I want a D, I got myself calm enough to run all of the numbers from the financials that I worked on. I got the Classifieds and estimated what rent/util would cost. With both of our current incomes and running an additional household, we would have about $200/month between BOTH of us for food, clothes, gas, entertainment, etc. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him. What does it look like, he asked? I told him that if we all lived on Raman noodles we could make it. I was angry, and I'm sure it came off snotty. That could be the other reason that he thought about it all day yesterday...
On the flip side of his unhappiness, when I have tried to explain my perspective, it comes off as defensive, rather than an explanation that there is more than one way to look at things... I think that is where we got stuck in our issues--he would complain (never came out with direct criticism until after the bomb), and I would get defensive. Instead of both of us seeing each other's viewpoint and coming to a compromise, he would back off and shut down. I read that as he agreed with my point of view and the issue was solved, while his silent resentment grew from not sticking up for himself.
Shut Up seems to address both of these problems. Can you tell that I don't like cheese, as I keep going down the tunnels that are cheeseless?
Didn't see H this morning for the first time...ever. I left him a note that S had BMX today, and if D got bored he could beep me and I would come get her early. Otherwise, I would see him around 9 to help put the kids to bed. Heard him, though, then rolled over and went back to sleep.
