Well thank you guys...wow. Rob - no, I agree 100%. It is deliberate. I know that. But that also means that she is deliberately hurting me in some ways. And it's not like it's just been since the bomb. She hasn't been there for me for YEARS.
And Ian...you are right...she used to be there for me. She used to surprise me with nights away in the city. She'd show up and tell me to pack a back we're leaving. She used cook these big meals and I'd catch her watching me eat...and she'd tell me how she just loved to watch me eat. She used to tell me how great I was, etc. I don't know however...if she has ever really been there for me emotionally....when I've been going through a tough time. Maybe she just thinks I'm a guy and I don't need that?? Not sure. It's funny, most Ws tend to try and drag that stuff out of their men....not mine.
And I understand that the reason she stopped doing this stuff was because I was being a jerk. I get that. And I understand that I was being a jerk because (or at least partly) she stopped doing this stuff. Vicious cycle.
And Ian...I'd be more than happy to stand by and wait for her to come out of her cocoon...but she doesn't want me to. Instead she is kicking me away. I want her to emerge. I want her to understand the lesson of you get what you give. I really don't think she understands that. She's always so concerned with what she is getting...from everyone in her life...and how they let her down...her mother, her sister, me. But what does she do for us? Nothing. I don't see her being there for any of us. Maybe...just maybe...she doesn't get what she wants from the people in her life because she doesn't give them anything.
It's just sad because I have worked so hard to rediscover myself, change myself, better myself and I feel like I am such a different person than I was a year ago. Such a better person. But she can't trust that. She can't forgive me for the past and focus on the possibility of a new future. And i want to be MORE for her...but I can't until she lets me in. I can't force that. Love is a two way street. Again...you get what you give. I feel like she has sat on the sidelines and just observed me....how can anything grow from that? She'd have to do her part...but she is unwilling to because of fear, guilt, shame...whatever it is. And that is just a sad way to go through life. And you are right Ian...everyonen around her...especially her children will pay the price for this shortcoming of hers.
You get so much more out of life if you approach it with love, faith and trust. If you do that...I think anything is possible. She is approaching it with anger, doubt and fear. But it takes a very secure person to be able to do that...and she is not. And that sucks...and there is nothing I can do to change that.
