Well everyone you will be so happy for me~ I went to the gym ( our local YMCA) swam with my kids and then rode the bike on uphill for 30 minutes, was sweating like a "PIG" and it felt so damn good. I was pleased with myself. We then came home 2 hours later and we had a blast!!!!
My girls and I went to the store and bought stuff to make Pasta and my boys stayed home to cook. My S16 has a friend over and they made "MY" whole wheat Pasta.. and all the kids ate it ! BRAVO they ate healthy like me. And we all sat down together and ate dinner as a FAMILY! Blessings, blessings and more blessings. Now this is the life. and as for my H he tried to bait me and I let it go... and he called later and I told him we were on our way to the Y~ and he said "ok talk to you later.." GREAT NITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .... *also Jen Jam maybe you were right about assuming stuff.
While he was on the phone ( his friends cell) with me after we left the Y ( his phone got wet and doesnt work!?!) someone was calling his friends cell and he said the number OUTLOUD it was the number of the girl who called his phone... and he asked me hey honey is 123-456-7865 my boss's number and I said " No I dunno who it belongs to..." I dont get it,, he is not so good at numbers ,like me, but he did not recognize it at all so she cant be important! RIGHT?
I took a deep breath and just let it go,, I dont care who she is or why she is calling that number too. Not going to start this over! I am better than that and I am getting my body in shape and more importantly my spirit so ....... anything is possible for me and I am on my way to being a very happy content Woman....For me all by myself ... and life is good. Very , very good. Thank you GOD. I am going to keep on like this and I know I will be ok, it is not for me to take on nor for me to absorb. Let go and let GOD... I know now that I am very strong I just let him take too much of me and my energy. I allow him to drain me and it wont happen overnite but I will get better at this. I just know it my heart tells me so~ I am also going to do my best to focus on my personal growth in my posts I need to get even better at loving me and taking time for me. Thanks for your post Nikki you are a sweetheart! Could use all the postive energy I can get ~ Thank you very Much! God bless...
I am feeling well today and I must admit that Iam feeling a little insecure. But I will be ok ,, I just wonder if this beautiful Man I love will ever really grow up all the way and live with integrity,,, and on and on and on....... when I asked this morning if the caller last nite was for him he said no it wasnt for me..... and in a smart ass tone he says "why you wanna call it?" How rude. I know , I know , I know..... Detach, detach and detach... I will do it it just hurts some........... Let it go.... I am supposed to be his Wife not his Mother so let it go and Maybe one day he wil be the Man he needs to be and until then I need to Gal for me. H can be so awesome and he is and then the ugliness that comes from left field. ( well I know where it comes from) and I will continue to work on me so it does not affect me! I will have a fabulous day today.... I promise you all... no obsessing ... so stress. I have come to far too let this JUNK drag me down..... I promised myself I wouldnt talk about it and so that is it and I dont want to worry about it anymore. I am going to get better at this and I will feel so much better when I do.... detach, detach and detach some more....
Thanks OT you are the best.... it like one of those Jigsaw puzzles ( BTW I hate JIGSAW puzzles) She calls MY H phone and now she is calling his so called friends phone. And why cant he just say" No it wasnt my boss dear it was so and so for so and so. " End of story. It was a simple question.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I said I wouldnt talk about it and really dont want to it just makes me sick! So I am going to stick to my boundaries.... to me getting me back at full throttle. He will either get better on his own or he will dig himself so deep that one day I will I may have to just say I have done everything I can and this is just enough.... I do not ever want it to come to that but how fair is it to continually deal with this type of BS? and I alone have allowed it. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday my MOM stayed over ( I have had a strained R with her over the years b/c of her rudeness and negativity towards me and my KIDS*)and this am I am up at 5:30 am,, Usually am..
I help with the crew my H has here and I needed to call the salesman and then call the crew leader then give him a "mapquest" to get there,, no biggie but this is what my mornings are like.... I asked my son for the home phone ( he was sleeping w/ it ) and b/c I spoke to my son. When I walked ,quietly mind you ,by her she shook her head and made a face of disgust.. are you kidding me sleeping beauty? This made me so angry,,, just like my H treats me I thought. I have asked her in the past to leave b/c of her behavior. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!???!! WOW , I am getting sidetracked and I am supposed to stay calm. I must say that I am very disillusioned by this. I know this is all on him ... I know I have reached my boiling point whether it means anything or not I really dont care and yeah I am going to seriously try to not walk on Eggshells ever again. Like Jen told me you are the prize not him...... No no try just not walk on 'em. and BTW even sadder I cannot talk to my MOM about any of this... she is negativity in a bottle all day long everyday..... no exaggeration. have taken her to 5 star restaurants and she will actually complain the whole time. She was even mad cause my charger was lost and my brother keeps his in the same place everyday. MY h is not really a complainer but I am so sick of others taking advantage of my good nature. She was better for a bit when I stopped talking to her for a bit and now she is back at it full throttle. She demanded we make her a separate breakfast, my son and his friend cooked again... cause she doesn’t like eggs and "chorizo" A MEXICAN SAUSAGE. she KNEW THEY WERE MAKING BREAKFAST and yet offered not to help at all and then was lecturing my kids that they need to help more...... WHEEEEEWH~ Next time she calls I will let it go to VM~ how sad really that my 56 year old MOM still acts like she is 3 years old. Last night at the Y she acted like a fool too. Wow , VM definitely VM next time. Then she demanded a ride b/c she is boycotting the Public Transit System.... I said " sorry I have to be here for when the crew calls in case they get lost." she told me 30 minutes before she had to leave like I am at her beck and call and sadly I have allowed her too to treat me like a doormat. And one last thing I am built like Jennifer Lopez and she always says Women who are built like that have Butts the size of Texas... NICE HUH????? AND when I walked in the pool yesterday after exercising she looked at me in a weird way.. It made me sad... like she was jealous of my body. I feel like crying now just like when I was a teenager. I have come to accept my body and all its curves,,, I have a lot of them and men always turn their heads when I walk in the room , no exaggeration and I am not trying to be conceited. It used to make me so uncomfortable and now I just smile. Yet I have been fighting seeing an ugly Woman in the mirror for years b/c of her. I was in therapy for three years when I was only 19... and my therapist told me to stay away from my own Mother....
It is ok .. I am strong and even thru my tears right now... not my Mother , nor MY H will rob me of this. He is always telling me he wants me to get stronger and yet I allow the idiotic things he does hurt me too, too much. Not anymore,, really I am already 36 and I want to enjoy the rest of the time that God has given me here. One day I will be gone and those who loved me best will not forget me or the beauty I made them feel by loving them all each and every one for them just who they are,, not to please be but just be who you are plain and simple and I will love you. Cause I have no right to judge only GOD HAS THAT RIGHT. But I have come to realize it is k to shut out certain people if their negativity is too much for me to bear. I live as much as I can like God would want me to and yet I need to realize he did not put me here to suffer at the abuse of people who have no love in their hearts period. Enough is enough. I am tired of crying and tired of turning my cheek. No I wont be something I am not but I have had it.. I deserve the same Happiness I wish upon others.... It is not to much to ask,, it is What God put me here for to rejoice in his blessings and enjoy my life and not at the expense of others..... Sorry this is probably a NOVEL,, but the thoughts just came out and I need to move on... I need to love me even more so I can move forward and ENJOY my life~
I will succeed ... I will get better at standing up for myself and I will expect to be treated like the AMAZING, STRONG, INTELLIGENT, CARING WOMAN I am. Not out of obligation but by carrying myself in that way w/o saying a word. Thanks Jen .... if you are reading this you reminded me who I am. Whenever I doubt my strength I will hear those words in my head. I got the sexual goddess thing down with COGS' help and much trial and error and now this... I need to get me back. ONE year of working and changing and now it is time for ALICIA to shine. I can do this... if I made it this far ,, I can do anything absolutely anything. Change is hard and at times uncomfortable and painful but I am up for the challenge if it means in the end I will be much Happier and more serene. Thank you GOD for helping me and alllowing me to have an open mind..... and never get Jaded~ God bless....
"I am so sick of others taking advantage of my good nature. "
You are sick of ALLOWING others to do things that you FEEL take advantage of you. Set boundaries with your mother. Quit teaching your kids not to set and enforce boundaries.
"Mom, wow, what was that look about? I don't allow guests in my house who look at me that way, so keep an eye on yourself in the future."
"Oh, you don't like Chorizo? We'll try to remember that for next time and you are of course more than welcome to make yourself something else. We have cereal, eggs...."
.. you really do have a good take on life. I always enjoy reading your posts... I have done this with her and it works but the scary part is she just keeps going and going and going like THE ENERGIZER BUNNY. and I get tired of it , I have 5 kids of my own and she "acts up " more than they do ( well she has been like this since I can remember and for me it has been easier in the past just to stay away... ) SHE IS LIKE THE KID WHO LOOKS AT YOU AND KNOWS HE IS DOING WRONG AND REVELS IN DOING IT ANYWAY. So thanks for the post... I needed that.
BOUNDARIES , BOUNDARIES...... AND YOU KNOW WHAT THANKS FOR REMINDING WHAT I AM DOING TO MY KIDS BY ALLOWING THIS. That is scary,, I never honestly thought about it like that. God bless....
"I have done this with her and it works but the scary part is she just keeps going and going and going like THE ENERGIZER BUNNY. and I get tired of it , I have 5 kids of my own and she "acts up " more than they do"
"Mom, I love you, but I can only handle so much, to be specific, five signs of judgment or disrespect a day. And, I get to count them. We don't argue about whether I am right or not. I am the umpire in my own life. And, just FYI, you've already done two today, that leaves you three."
OT~ You are awesome and I am going to have to write that down... ya think it would work on h too?
I did tell him if he was going to be mean or cruel to wait an hour and then call,, I am working on it... and I should have done this a loooooong time ago. And he has done pretty good so far. He is still trying to bait me but I am not biting anymore and I have felt so much better. A work on progress but better .
NOT TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF IT OT,,,, but it for some reason makes me laugh cause I can see the look on my MOMS face if and when I say those things ,,, she acts like "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY,, I CAN BE RUDE ALL DAY LONG BUT HEAVEN FORBID YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME ON MY BAD BEHAVIOR."
I actually started to realize I allowed practically everyone to "walk " all over me after my "severe" Panic Attack early this year. It was a doozy!
I decided to gently let go of a lot of people I considered close to me and BINGO !!! THE ~ Anxiety seemed to magically Disappear~ No more meds! :
Kept an elite few who actually treat me with respect. Thanks.. Ali.
Well I am proud of me.. and no I am not tying to change him I just needed ( apparently, cause I did not start talking to him with this in mind*) to get this of my chest ,, last nite I was so uptight and for some reason this Morning when he called I let it all out. I VERY calmly said to him,, H: I feel better I did not want to get up. ME: Did you drink yesterday? H: No, WHY? ME: Well maybe that is why your body is happy you did not drink and it is trying to rest. H: yeah, but I would like to have a drink.... we said a few other things to one another and then I stated... "Honey I have not wanted to say anything and yet I have to say that this past few weeks/ month especially on the weekends have not been good , you have been acting like you are 18. It is not good. H: yeah I know, I havent done this in a long time. ME: well it needs to stop, it is just not right it just seems so degrading and gross what you have been up to, and then you tell me there are "women " there too and that isnt right it makes me sick , it is not ok ,it is just wrong Plain and simple. You have been acting so LOW and I do not like it and I think it is wrong. It is just gross and there is no reason you need to be acting like this , do you understand? H: I know honey you are right.... ( and he wasnt even being rude, sarcastic or condescending, he agreed whole heartedly. I said a little more but cant remember it. He then said "ok honey well have a pen ready I am going to call you later w/ all the Invoice info.
? I feel like the elephant sitting on my chest went back home. Awesome and he did not argue or get defensive. I got to state how I feel and wasnt even looking for validation, he always has a "reason" why what he does is OK, and not today. ? ~wow~ I feel better,, I will most likely never know who this &*^^( was but I hvae taken the High Road and I am going to keep Getting a LIFE and I will be ok. No better than ok, I will be strong and loving and free once and for all of the shackles I alone put on and wore daily of him. I can love him doesnt mean I have to love evrything else.... mood swings, etc, etc, etc. thanks you all for your advice ,,,, LOVE, Ali GOD BLESS...
Thanks OT you are the best.... it like one of those Jigsaw puzzles ( BTW I hate JIGSAW puzzles) She calls MY H phone and now she is calling his so called friends phone. And why cant he just say" No it wasnt my boss dear it was so and so for so and so. " End of story. It was a simple question.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
) and b/c I spoke to my son.
she KNEW THEY WERE MAKING BREAKFAST and yet offered not to help at all and then was lecturing my kids that they need to help more......
AND when I walked in the pool yesterday after exercising she looked at me in a weird way.. It made me sad... like she was jealous of my body.
