All of this has been really hard for me, going against every thing I have ever done in relating to my H in over 20 years. Doesn't help that I never even dated anyone else, or learned how to play mind games...but here it goes:

1) Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.

Getting better. Made it over 2 weeks in Shut Up mode :0) And I've been hanging on for about 8 months since the bomb...

2) Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

I am very defensive. Just re-read Gottman's 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse thing again, and see how destructive that has been. I validate, then immediately negate that with my own perspective -- what probably got us here in the first place, when he tried to tell me that he was hurting and I "turned it all around" and never really heard him.
Again, I have to get back to the Shut Up.

3) Learn quickly that anger is your enemy.

I am not angry (at least I don't feel it most of the time), until I think of what this is doing to the kids...but I rarely if ever express this to H. He does not hold that back as much, recently.

4) Learn quickly to back off, shut up, and walk away when you want to speak out.

Like I said, did good for 2 weeks. Blew it last night. Back to it starting first thing in the morning.

5) Take care of yourself. exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

I am exercising, sleep (last two nights way TOO much), still have laughs with the kids...I have been very focused on them in recent weeks, and need to add back my friends. Very hard for me to concentrate on other things right now--I am off from work for the summer, grad classes are way behind, gave up all of my other volunteer positions that were not really priorities anyway...
the last week, it seems that nothing else is important to me other than H and my kids. I know that it's not the place to stay, but I let it go there for the last 2 weeks (since anniv weekend). Re-working my GAL starting tomorrow.

6) Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.

OK, got the softly down. The rest....work in progress.

7) Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent action will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

He notices it all, comments on it. Then says it is all too late.
Still keeping it up though, for me at this point.

8) Read as much as you can on this subject.
This I have done obsessively.

Mandatory DON'Ts

1) Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting.

Didn't get that down.

2) Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

Trying, but probably not very good at this, either. I try to talk about the family instead, and what H might face. I have to eliminate my defensiveness.

3) Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.

I have seen that.

4) Do not give up not matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

How do you show your WAS that you won't be an obstacle to their happiness if you don't give up? I have let go of him, but not of my love for him. Is that what this means?

5) Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

My changes have not had a backslide, but many of my DBing efforts have.



My cheeseless tunnels are the hardest things to break.