Cat--We most have cross-posted; I'll read it and respond in a bit...
Quote:
Great job taking care of yourself. You sound very good. Yeah, I know you don't feel that way, but you are really doing so well.
That move by H pisses me off so much. It smacks of using them to help make you feel better because he is uncomfortable with his own guilt. Not OK.
I am trying to take care of myself. I am so glad that my C was able to see me today. She helped me get through to the reality of this whole thing. The part of me that has been in disbelief for so long is getting smaller and smaller. I have to face it, now.
Last night, when I finally heard him, I was not in a good place. There was a lot of pleading my side(so much for dignity), and he said that the more I beg, the more his resentment grows: he won't be guilted into anything. I couldn't stop myself.
I also found that I am not completely over my codependency. I had a sudden, very strong fear about not having anyone to take care of, to take care of me. I was feeling a loss of everything in my world, including my sense of self. I have never had to be on my own, and told him I don't know how to do that--I always felt that my strength came from him, knowing that he was there (of course I realize that I most likely would have accomplised everything that I have in my life, even without him, but that is now in the light of day; not how I was feeling last night).
I told him that I had tried everything that I could think of, asked for help from everyone possible, including my deceased parents and God Himself. And I know it wasn't fair, but I asked him for his help, too--how was I going to be able to do this? How could you want to be alone, when it is this terrible? How deep is your pain that being alone is better than having me in your life? There was more gobbly-gook, much of which I am embarrassed about or can't remember at all. It was not my shining moment. I don't even think it is worth journaling anymore, since it was so cheeseless, and useless, and probably damaging.
I even gave him a hard copy of that letter and diatribe that I wrote, outlining wanting to work with his MC, all of the ways I have been hurt, etc. The only thing that came out of that was 1) He said that it still looks like I am trying to put this all into him wanting to get out and experience other women, another life--he insists it's not. Said that his heart will only be broken once, not ever again, by me or anyone else. And if that means being alone for the rest of his life, that is how it will be. 2) He said that he did not see a lawyer before April; doesn't know where his parents got that idea. 3) The jewelry was a necklace he bought for me for Christmas, and he never gave to me. 4) He felt like it was all a personal attack. I just said (damn, defensive again) that he wasn't the only one who got hurt in this mess--I was hurt, too, and often, and swallowed it, and would keep taking it if it meant that we could move forward...
The whole time I was crying afterwards, I thought: this is what the end / death of hope feels like. *** I was really surprised that he would send the kids down to me, too. He has been the one who has almost demanded that I not cry in front of them; he has said this to me on a few occassions. And here I was, an hysterical mess, having to short-circuit it, get it together in a nanosecond, and comfort them! I don't think he did it to try and comfort me--I don't believe he was thinking at all.
Anyway, everything else that happened tonight is above (sorry for the reverse order of things, but really couldn't type last night). D asked to sleep in my bed tonight, and S must have fallen asleep with H downstairs (oops, spoke too soon--he just came up.) Getting him off to bed...
