Thanks OT, Nikki and JDK for checking in--I was afraid that I would have to start all over here again...
I took the kids out to McD's for dinner (again) tonight, and some shopping. I forgot to put the ringer back on the cell after my IC appt, and apparently H was trying to get me for over an hour.
Got home and he was in bed (8pm) downstairs. I told him that I know it is over. When we spoke this afternoon, I had asked him if he might be able to take a day or two off from work, and got a "What for?!" back from him. I knew in that one, short sentence how done he really is. So, I presented my idea for the schedule, and explained to him that although I want so much to be near him, I don't think I can...it only reminds me that I will never be able to hold him, kiss him, love him...I moved all of his bathroom stuff into the main bathroom so he wouldn't have to come into where I sleep in the morning, and told him I would leave the house each day for a few hours so he could have time with the kids after work(he would have to make dinner for all of them; I'd take care of myself) and I would be home to help get them to bed. For the summer, I would continue to take care of the house, shopping and laundry.
He told me last night that he can't go on like this, he can't go back to sleep and pretending to come back to the marriage--he wouldn't survive it. Am I that terrible, I asked? How deep is this hurt that being with me would kill you? I can hardly imagine...But I told him, if I am around him, knowing and seeing what I can never have again, I won't be able to survive it myself. When we are apart, I find that I can at least function. So, we seem to be in similar places for very different reasons right now.
I also said that I am accepting the reality of the situation, and his feelings. I cannot save a marriage by myself, and I can't make him want to try. Does he know now that I "get" where he is, finally? He said yes. I apologized for being so defensive for so long; I can see how it made him feel like I always turned things around and discounted what he was saying. I know that it made things worse. He pointed out that I did it even over the last 8 months, and I said I know; apologized again.
It would give him 2 months to figure out what to do when school started. I don't really care too much, as long as it is fair--I'd look at whatever he came up with. I also can't go through a mediator, because I can't get to that place--I can't help tear apart our lives: let the lawyers fight over splitting / tearing our lives up.
I asked if the schedule seemed like something he could do, or if he needed to think about it. He asked to think about it.
We got into it again about the kids, then. He said that it is not the death of a family (which is how I see it, and how adult children of divorce have described it), just a restructuring, and that the kids would feed off of me as to how to react. Keep telling yourself that, I said. He wants to know that he can "work with me." I said they had their own brains, already cried and panicked, and said that they don't want this and want to fix it--without any input from me. None of us want this, and we have no say. And no matter how they react, I know that he will blame me (I wanted to say, like Father's Day, but I held it in--he already heard that and discounted it). He is the only one who thinks this is a good idea. (I asked him once before if anyone else thought he was doing the right thing--he had said yes before--now he said that they think it is sad, but if he can't commit, it's better for all of us to D. Wish these same people, who ever they are, would tell him to get his head out of his a$$ and live up to his vows and promises and at least TRY!!--me venting, didn't say that out loud)
I said that restructuring a family is making a new committment to it. He said that he is committed to the family, not the M. He said that I just want him to fall in love with me again (duh!)--I said yes, the New Me--I have worked so hard to change, and will do anything / everything to keep up with those changes, because they are the person I want / need to be! I don't want to go back.
After all of that, he said that he thought about it all day and was ready to ask me if I thought he could stay in the house, committed to the family but not the M; but after what I said, he didn't think I could do that. His parents had asked him to stay.
I said that I regret so much, making the one person who I love most in the world, hurt so deeply for so long. I can't go back and fix that. I wanted to build something new. There was so much good stuff in our R, and it only makes sense that he sees everything as tainted and negative after living through what he did. But that the good is still there, buried; there could be something to build on. I marked up all of the books I have that talk about finding the feelings of love again, the feelings he keeps saying can never come back. I know that he probably won't look at them (and I said as much), but that I would leave them there for him, anyway. But I accept where he is, and will go from there. I only wish that he could find some hope in his heart.
I did tell him that he has done what I have asked him, including going to an IC, and I was very grateful for that. I did note that I was apprehensive about if we chose the right one; that we never did get to work together on the M like I had hoped.
I said that we are not in a crisis right now; there is nothing we need to do tomorrow, no urgency. He shook his head in agreement. Let's try the schedule for the week, give each other a rest. We can come back to it afterwards. He just shook his head yes, and asked me to send the kids down to say good-night (aka, discussion over).
As I went up the stairs, the kids were sitting there, waiting. Are you ok, Mom? In a light voice, yeah, go give Daddy big hugs and snuggles goodnight, tell him you love him.
And now I am here. Not really sure where here is, yet.
