I have gotten to where I'm focusing on me and the kids, no more obsessing about my wife. The "neutral mode" was only in reference to my marriage, not myself. I've gotten to the point where I feel I can wait my wife out and see where she goes from here. I don't seem to have the need to push her to work on our marriage or push her to leave, I'm accepting the limbo in our relationship and making the best of my time in the meanwhile. I'm keeping the door open for my wife, but I'm not standing at it trying ot figure out what she is doing anymore. I don't want to go overboard and start shutting her out, but certainly no more heart on a platter for her to slice and dice until she is willing and able to invest some of herself in our marriage with me. I'll keep doing what is best for the kids and with my marriage in mind, I'm taking the pieces of myself that were hanging on the framework of my marriage before they collapsed into a pile on the floor and I'm putting them together on their own but not replacing my wife's piece in my heart and also not closing off that part permenantly either.
Lots of rambling, but I do feel great, had IC today, the IC thinks I'm doing great. She wants my mom to come to IC with me next week when she is here for a couple sessions, should be useful. The IC has told me a couple things that were kind of surprising. She saw how my wife is abusive to me in the 2 MC sessions we had and she also told me that just hearing about how my wife treated/treats me is painful for her to hear... I told her I'm done with that, no more double standards, I want equality for man and wife, I want to learn a better way to relate to my wife so I/we don't repeat the same broken behavoirs. I only want to look at the past enough to see what I did wrong so I can learn the right way or a better way to deal with things.
