OT explains exactly what I was saying. When my h would come and apologize I would say those sorts of things. Like for instance he was stressed once when I went to see him and the kids kept calling and he said to me " If you could take a flight home right now that would be better... " He may as well have slapped me in the face... and the next day again he said something rude or he was "salty" can not remember exactly and then LATER WHEN THE TIME SEEMED RIGHT...
I SAID THIS ... "you know honey it is ok to get upset with me or say x, y and z or have feelings but taking it out on me or turning it around on me is NOT OK. You can criticize me w/o being mean. Or saying things you do not mean."
He agreed....
So OT is right it is all @ boundaries. And yes it is hard and takes time,, change does not happen overnite. But with consistency and keeping those boundaries enforced it will get better. Sad but true we teach people how to treat us.

With all the support you have here you will get better at this. But do not rush it , it will take time. When H and I first Reconciled there was no way to set boudaries for me he was still too .... Dunno the word for it. But little by little he has been more receptive.
I still am working at this.
All my best to you.... boundaries and not absorbing his negativity ( detach) will help you. For me it was like I want you back and this is not you. I want this to be better now. And then I would remember what a blessing this was and gave him space to grow on his own time. With patience and perseverance your R will get better.
The beauty of this is you are willing to accept the advice you receive and work on you and that you love your H so much.
You are doing well dont be so hard on yourself this is not easy. It sometimes sounds easy and for some it is and for others it takes more work ( LIKE ME ) and your H does just seem not receptive to you being sweet to him at times for some reason?
God bless...