Hello, all. I am moving over here from newcomers. It was time; we've been at this for about 8 months now. This is my prior thread.
Recap: Together since we were 15.5 & 16. No other Rs. We were the couple who everyone pointed to and said "that is what M is supposed to look like." I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in 4th grade; didn't have good experiences with the first two positions I had. Had two wonderful children in there, and was a dedicated, stay-at-home Mom. VERY supportive H. When youngest was 3, found a great PT teaching position, and threw myself into it. H reassured me that it was a busy time in our lives, and we would make it. My mother got cancer and I took care of her. Also started grad school at night about 16 months ago. H developed a close friendship (?) with a mom across the street. We have been friends of the family for 11 years, and hers is a troubled marriage. I grew increasingly uncomfortable, but kept trying to trust my H and not dictate who he should be friends with. Neighbors saw it and kept bringing it up to me as "strange." H grew increasingly defensive about the whole topic.
In Nov, H had to go out of state for business, and when I kissed him good-bye, I felt...nothing back. Went inside, cried for 3 hours, then started researching marriage education / communication classes.
I had no idea how long the issues had actually been there. I got the ILYBINILWU mid-Nov, and that he had been "miserable" for at least 3 years (now he says 5 years). I lived on no sleep and lost over 27 pounds in the months that followed. We have been exclusively together for 21 years.
I was thunderstruck. Started off with the pursuing / deperation / clingyness. Did that for months. I addressed every complaint that H mentioned, eliminating outside interests and becoming the next Donna Reed / Martha Stewart. He kept asking for space and I didn't know what he meant, or how to do it. Started IC in end-Nov. Read every book, article and journal about MC in print. Found this site and Solution-based in March. I fluctuate with how well I implement it (not usually great).
Feb--H separated (he moved from the bedroom to downstairs rec room). He has not slept in our bed / said ILY / ML since then. I hurt my neck and went on disability (which was a God-send).
March--I had spinal surgery on my neck; he was very doting about my physical self, but not about my emotional state.
Further deterioration and unmet expectations since then.
Mid-May, H exploded, threatening me if I "turned his kids against him." His mother had gotten very upset by his actions, and he saw that as my fault.
Went dim since our 15th wedding anniv end May. Had a R talk last night (kids didn't want to call him for Father's Day and he blamed me), when he finally uttered the words: "I want a divorce. I don't want to work on it. I won't survive like this. I understand that you may never accept the reality of that until you have the papers in front of you."
Last night, my kids picked up on it all right away, and know they know what is looming in the future. They are both trying to fix it.
I am trying to figure out how I am going to make it in the world alone. I know I will, but I have no basis for reference. I'm scared, sad and very tired.
